Planet Football

Ballack from BognorHe might have (temporarily) left us, but Jose Mourinho, in his modestly titled tome A Born Winner, is still sharing his thoughts with us, and for that we're grateful.

Proving that he's decided to let bygones be bygones in his battle with Arsene Wenger, he wrote of his time at Chelsea:

"Unlike Arsenal, we tried to build success through a concept of using English players. We wanted to project a positive image of Chelsea without running the risk of filling the club with lots of foreign players."

And who could argue with him? Just look at his squad: Drogba from Dagenham, Cech from Cleethorpes, Makelele from Macclesfield, Essien from East Grinstead, Shevchenko from Skegness, Ballack from Bognor Regis, Kalou from Kidderminster, Carvalho from Clacton-on-Sea, Ferreira from Felixstowe, etc.

Little wonder they had such a bulldog spirit during Jose's reign.

Quotes of the week

"You pay for the meal after the coffee, not after the main course or after the soup. And we've still got a cup of coffee on Saturday and some cheese and biscuits hopefully on Wednesday before we pay for the meal."

- John Toshack, eh, insisting he can't analyse Wales' overall performance in their qualifying group until the campaign is at an end. The cup of coffee, incidentally, was their game against us.

"Man United's defensive record is second to none. Apart from Liverpool's, that is."

- Sky pundit extraordinaire Warren Barton.

"Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked."

- Is there any wonder we so love David Pleat?

"Yes, it was a tough time. It was so cold, with storms all the time. On top of that, I didn't have a TV in my hotel room and it was driving me crazy. I said to my agent, 'I can't stand this. You have to get me away'. At the end of the trial they wanted me to play for the reserves in a practice match. I didn't want to. I just wanted to go because I'd had enough of the wind and rain."

- Congo's Christopher Samba and his fond memories of his arrival in balmy Blackburn.

"I know Rafa well and he will break his own head to find a solution to get the title for Liverpool."

- Liverpool goalkeeper Pepe Reina on the lengths Rafa "headbanger" Benitez will go to to end the club's title drought.

"Robbie Savage was put on his arse by our midfielder James Harper and Robbie shouted: 'Hey you, I've been earning £40,000 a week in the Premiership for a decade, what have you earned?' James had no reply and took three weeks to get over it."

- Reading captain Graham Murty on his cash-strapped team-mate's run-in with the ever lovely Savage.

"Without doubt there is more quality in Spain. If I am watching a West Ham-Bolton game, it almost sends me to sleep."

- Cesc Fabregas gushes about the overall quality of the Premier League.

Getting caught out

It's usually players who find themselves caught out telling "my dog ate my homework" type fibs to cover up assorted misdemeanours, but this time around it was a manager, Real Sociedad's Chris Coleman, who was snared.

The Welshman was 90 minutes late for a press conference at the club and, when he finally turned up, claimed his washing machine had flooded his apartment.

Alas, a tabloid revealed that he had, in fact, been out partying in a nightclub, until five in the morning, at which point Coleman apologised to the washing machine, his employers and the club's supporters. "I was out until late in a place where I should not have been. The other day I gave you an excuse, above all to take the pressure off the club. I have to ask for forgiveness from the fans and everybody connected with the club because there are no excuses," he said.

This tale led to a rash of "greatest ever excuses offered by sporting people" features on sundry websites last week. Two of our favourites are Kenny Dalglish's excuse for why Newcastle only drew with Stevenage in the 1998 FA Cup ("the ball was too bouncy") and party animal Maurice Johnston's explanation for why he turned up for Everton duty with a very large bruise around his eye: he fell downstairs at home and crashed in to his daughter's rocking horse.

It was, though, a yarn from the Observer from a few year's back that we loved most. True, this isn't Planet Tennis, but let all footballers and managers out there learn from the quality of the excuse offered by Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl after his defeat to rival Musumba Bwayla: "Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player. He has a huge nose and is cross-eyed. Girls hate him. He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts, and that made me lose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia."

Sublime.

20,000 pick team

Remember Liam Daish? No? Well, granted, his Republic of Ireland career yielded just the five caps, his debut coming in 1992 when Jack Charlton played him alongside David O'Leary in the centre of defence against Wales at the RDS - and the team promptly suffered its first home defeat in six years. Daish, of course, was in the news last week as manager of the first professional club, Ebbsfleet United, to be taken over by the public - 20,000 members of MyFootballClub.com each paid £35 to buy a 51 per cent controlling stake in the non-league side.

The members will now be able to vote on player selection, transfers and all other major decisions, meaning Daish, whose title changes to "head coach", is pretty much obliged to play the team the members pick, even if their preferred right-back has two left feet.

"It's complete madness," said Plymouth manager Ian Holloway, "they've got to vote every time they pick their team? An absolute load of old poppycock, that is."

We also chuckled at the response of a former manager, none other than the very man who gave Daish his international debut. "I've never heard anything like it in my life, it sounds completely daft," said Jack, who wouldn't have one soul tell him who to pick, never mind 20,000. Still, if it proves a success maybe John Delaney should take note?