Planet Football

Compiled by Mary Hannigan.

Away from home

It's going from bad to worse for the six Irish players who make up the bulk of Carlisle's team these days. They've now lost 13 of the 16 league games they've played this season and are 10 points adrift of second-from-bottom Kidderminster in the third division - in other words, non-league football beckons.

Having learnt that one of the six, Peter Murphy, will be out until Christmas with a knee injury, manager Paul Simpson, Roddy Collins's successor, could also be without Richie Foran after the forward was sent off for the second time in five games on Saturday, both times for 'off-the-field' incidents.

Foran and Huddersfield defender Steve Yates were red-carded after a 'disagreement' in the tunnel at half-time, one that left Yates with a broken tooth and Foran with a cut forehead. All that talk of Portsmouth's interest in signing Foran in January is, at this rate, in serious danger of coming to nothing.

Things, though, are going from good to even better for Andy Reid at Nottingham Forest. "He's capable of anything at the moment," said his manager, Paul Hart, on Saturday after Reid's injury-time winner against Bradford, three days after his gem of a goal against West Ham. Forest fans have been busy penning tunes worthy of Figo Reid, as they've taken to calling him. The latest offering: "Cheer up Andy Reid, oh, what can it mean, to be better than Giggsie, in a great football team."

Taking the p***

It was very nearly the perfect crime, until someone went and opened their big mouth. In August of last year four members of a Pittsburgh high school soccer team put urine into a team-mate's drink container, sat back and giggled uproariously as they watched him glug it down.

Fourteen months later they still hadn't been caught, but then two of them listed the incident as their 'most memorable moment' in their school biographies, compiled for 'Senior Night'. All hell then broke loose. The superintendent of Greater Latrobe High School - where the motto is "we believe in practising integrity, honesty, and respect for others" - suspended the quartet, saying the "exchange of bodily fluids is no laughing matter".

Perhaps, though, the most alarming aspect of the sorry tale is that the victim never actually noticed that he was drinking urine.

Quotes of the week

"Our midfield has about one goal between them in the last year. Did you see David Prutton's effort at Everton last week? We needed air traffic clearance."

- Gordon Strachan on his off-target midfield - they shoot, they knock nests out of trees.

"If we lose it will be Mike Phelan's fault!"

- Alex Ferguson, whose assistant took charge as he was consigned to the stands on Saturday, jesting about the possibility of losing to Fulham at Old Trafford. As if.

"At the moment I am having very difficult moments. I don't play and my coach at Aston Villa has not said 'good morning' to me since the start of the season."

- Moustapha Hadji, whom David O'Leary thinks is the groundsman at Villa Park.

"I can categorically assure you that Rangers defender Henning Berg did not name his son Rio after Manchester United's forgetful star, Mr Ferdinand. 'No, it was for another reason entirely,' explained his other son, Hungry Like The Wolf."

- Tam Cowan, in the Scottish Daily Record.

"The Waterford player's shot was on target, which is an important aspect of a player's shot."

- TV3's football pundit Damien Richardson, as heard by Dangerhere.com.

Hamburger fried

There was a bit of a to-do in Germany last week over the treatment dished out by SV Hamburg to coach Kurt Jara, who was sacked immediately after the club gave him a vote of confidence, replacing him with former Bayer Leverkusen coach Klaus Toppmoller.

Jara got plenty of sympathy from his peers, although we thought the response of Eintracht Frankfurt manager Willi Reimann was a touch theatrical: "it was premeditated murder".

Transport of delight?

Did you see the clip on telly last week? An old lady, laden with shopping bags, arrives at her bus stop and sits down for a much needed rest on the bench, at which point Graeme Souness starts howling at her that she should be in Ewood Park supporting Blackburn Rovers - at which point said old lady, scouring the skies for the source of the voice, gets the fright of her life. Yes, the club is using bus shelters in Blackburn for promotional purposes, with would-be passengers triggering motion sensors inside the shelters when they arrive, which then play Souness's message.

Souness is no stranger to heart problems himself and could well be responsible for creating a few more.

More quotes of the week

"The man we want has to fit a certain profile. Would he represent Spurs well to the media? Is he a top coach? Would the players respect him? Is he a nutcase?"

- David Pleat on Spurs' hunt for a new manager.

"Who's to say that one day I won't end up back at Spurs? Who knows? Football's such a weird game, isn't it?"

- Glenn Hoddle (see above).

"Yes, it is still my dream to play for Barcelona. I'm sure it's going to happen one day. But to pull on the Real Madrid shirt would be extraordinary too."

- Adrian Mutu, hardly a wet week at Chelsea, already has wanderlust.

"When I built my team I wanted some Italian experience, some Spanish experience and some big English fighting spirit - those two are my prototypes."

- Claudio Ranieri loses count.

"There have been more sightings of the Loch Ness monster."

- Gordon Strachan on his striker Agustin Delgado, who has made four starts for the club since signing three years ago and is more often than not back home in Ecuador.

"My hands are tied behind me, I'm wearing a blindfold and people are trying to kick my feet from under me. There is always someone worse off than you, but I'd be interested to meet that person."

- Stuart Murdoch, having fun managing Wimbledon.

Blame is the Spur

Blooper of the week? Take a bow, David Pleat. During his war of words with the recently sacked Glenn Hoddle Pleat noted that Hoddle "'did' our money on Sergei Rebrov . . . we paid £11 million for him and it didn't work out". It was with considerable pleasure that Hoddle politely pointed out that he didn't arrive at Spurs until 11 months after Rebrov was signed, by George Graham.

Bear-faced cheek

Still no word on a permanent replacement for Paisley Panda, the St Mirren mascot who was recently forced to resign after pretending to use a Falkirk shirt to wipe his bottom - directly in front of Falkirk supporters.

It was the latest in a string of infringements by the Panda (aka Chris Kelso), the most controversial of which occurred last season when he simulated a lewd act with an inflatable sheep in front of Queen of the South fans. Then there was the time he placed a giant air freshener in front of visiting Morton supporters, used a hot water bottle as a tongue for his impression of Henrik Larsson's goal celebrations (as Larsson was warming up on the pitch for a pre-season friendly), not to mention all the occasions he disrupted visiting teams' pre-match warm-ups by joining in. If you think you're cut out for the job contact Love Street, Paisley. Not sure of the salary, probably a year's supply of bamboo shoots.