Name recognition

PLANET FOOTBALL:Mary Hannigan's sideways look at the world of soccer; that was the season that was, part two:

THE Blackpool Gazettehad a sad tale about "a distressed 11-year-old child" who ended up getting lost after being dropped off in the wrong spot by a school bus. "I was so angry," said his mother, "he was upset because he didn't know where he was." The lad was lucky he didn't end up in the blue half of Manchester. His name? Keane Cantona Murray.

Dodgy maths

“That’s three world-class saves I’ve seen today – two from Cech, one from Green and one from Myhill.”

– The BBC’s Garth Crooks.

“There are 46 games in the season and we’ve played just eight of them so far. There are still 30 left, so we are not worried.”

– Tranmere defender Shaleum Logan.

Mon dieu

“In the case of Thierry Henry’s handling of the ball . . . an entire nation has taken on the role of unjustly oppressed victim – something the Irish do well, having had several centuries of practice.”

– Dominic Lawson in the Sunday Times.

Phone home

“Messi is the God of football. Stratospheric. Magical. Divine. Generous. Extraordinary. ET was born in Rosario and plays in Barcelona.”

– Spanish newspaper Sporton Lionel Messi’s extraterrestrial performance against Real Zaragoza.

SIMPLY THE BEST

“Are we good enough to reach Wembley? Can I grow a wig and dance in high heels? Of course we are.”

– Blackpool manager Ian “Tina Turner” Holloway confident his team could make the final of the play-offs. They did too.

Letters to the editor

“Madam, – Regarding the calls for a replay of Ireland vs France, should such an event come to pass, can anyone imagine how long Manchester United’s season would be if unhappiness with the referee resulted in replays? – Yours, etc.”

Weak defence

A Rapid Vienna supporter was banned by the club for three years after he was spotted by cameras making a Nazi salute during a Europa League game against Hapoel Tel Aviv. When questioned by the police he insisted that he had “merely been pointing out a rare Peregrine Falcon to a friend”. Inexplicably, they didn’t believe him.

CHICKEN COUNTING: RED FACES ALL AROUND

EMAIL sent by Liverpool to season ticket holders two hours before their FA Cup third round replay against Reading:

“As a valued member of the Auto Cup Scheme, we’d like to confirm details for the following FA Cup match: Liverpool v Burnley (fourth round), Saturday, 23rd January 2010. Kick-off: 12.45pm. The Ticket Office will begin taking payments for the above game from Thursday, 14th January.”

Yep, they lost to Reading.

Fuming fan

HIGHLIGHTS from the open letter written to the players of Grimsby, as they slid ever closer to relegation, by a somewhat aggrieved supporter: He had, he said, derived more “pleasure and entertainment” from passing kidney stones than watching them attempt to play football; they were a “pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrates” who had “consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrotum”. “I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-through in the near future. Yours sincerely, a very disillusioned Mariner.”

World class.

Surly sub

“You cannot even imagine how tired I am of sitting on the bench. Do you want to hear a joke in London? It goes: Harry Redknapp put Roman Pavlyuchenko into the starting line-up.”

– Funnily enough, Pavlyuchenko finally made the first 11 . . . only to be dropped again.