Murphy to blame but it's not Eddie's fault

Risteárd Cooper Column:The Irish rugby team hotel. E O'Sullivan breaks the bad news to G Murphy once again.

5.14am: EOS knocks on G Murphy's door

EOS: Geordan, are you up? Open the door!

GM (groan from within): Ah, Jeez what time is . . . Hold on a sec! (door opens) Sorry about that. Everything okay?

EOS: You having a bit of a lie-in are you?

GM: What time is it?

EOS: It's 5.15 in the morning.

GM: Right!

EOS: I wanted to have a word about the team for Saturday. You know me, Geordan, I'd give a berry to a badger, but sometimes you gotta move the ladder and change the light bulb, you understand me?

GM: Think so, yeah. Think it means you're blaming me for everything that went wrong in France, you're giving Tommy my place, dropping me from the squad and you're never going to pick me again?

EOS: There's no need for melodrama, Geordan. You can't stuff a marsh mallow into a parking meter.

GM: Ok, sorry I don't get that one.

EOS: You're a confidence player, Geordan. Everything that you do on a rugby field emanates from that. It's a brittle confidence and it needs to be nurtured sensitively and managed skilfully. What you need is someone you can go to when the chips are down, who you can talk to openly and honestly, who you rely on and trust. So will you ever go and f***ing find someone and give me a buzz when you come back.

Eddie closes door on G Murphy.

It's been a strange week. Just when you thought the Geordan Murphy saga would take over the airwaves, you realise that in Ireland we have a different agenda where sport might have its place, but it can never compete with whether Dustin should represent us in the Eurovision ding-dong.

Neither is it easy to "talk to Joe" about rugby at grass roots level, but they'd be falling over themselves to get you on if you had deep feelings about how difficult it is to tear open milk-cartons bare-handed and without spillage. For all that Ireland has changed over the years we still seem to place a premium on the eccentric and manage to do something every now and again that whisks us right back to the days when almost everything was broken.

A little glimpse of it was apparent last weekend at the Iftas, or the Irish Forget The Actress (in a supporing role) awards. There's definitely something askew with an evening that places Mel Gibson at the same event as Julian Simmons (the camp chap who announces Coronation Street on UTV with the personality of a burst sausage). However, isn't it all about ratings?

This weekend's three Six Nations fixtures on a bumper Saturday are certainly all about that, even if most people going to Croke Park will only be able to glimpse France v England through the post-match haze of a city centre pub. Of course at that stage we'll all be spontaneously hugging kilted Scots on the way to the bar, trying to convince ourselves they're just like us and that they're not all Rangers fans. Unless Ireland lose, but that won't happen, will it?

Eddie O gave his usual warning of "No easy games at this level", but you do have to ask the question, what level is he actually talking about? There are definitely no easy games if you just about beat Namibia, Georgia and Italy. Scotland look error-prone and lack belief, but unfortunately Ireland look about as confident as a hung-over trapeze artist with vertigo.

Delighted though Tommy Bowe must be, he must also be a tad confused that he plays brilliantly all season on the wing for Ulster and doesn't get a sniff, then last Saturday he plays in the centre for Ulster and Eddie O picks him on the wing. And then there's Simon Easterby on the bench again. Confused?

Here's some probable Eddie logic: "I'd like to have another look at Simon you know, it's great to have him on the bench, his experience at sitting on his arse is invaluable and a real example to the younger players, 'cause that's exactly what they'll be doing for the next few years."

It's almost impossible to fathom that Eddie O could be just one "You might stop a draught with a draught excluder, but you won't stop a gale with a windmill" away from the chop.

Given the recent initiative in finding potential managers in this country, maybe D O'B has already got someone in mind. It's a disturbing thought that one day you might find yourself at work and big Denny boy comes in waving a fat cheque for your employers to hire somebody else. By the way, when he insisted there were "No strings attached" to whom was he referring? I suppose you'd have to forgive him for thinking he was dealing with muppets, but this time the FAI are maximising all available kudos for managing not to fill the vacant manager's position with a vacant manager.

Keep the faith, Geordan, this is probably all you are missing:

BO'D in team room gives talk to chosen ones

BOD: Okay this is a really important game that we so wanna, like win badly. It's so important that we keep our concentration for 80 minutes and keep - sorry is everyone listening?

PLAYERS (removing iPods): Yea, yes go ahead, sorry.

BOD: What was I saying?

ROG: Concentration stuff.

BOD (a bit miffed): Yeah, exactly, so just remember that okay! Or else eh, you know the shit's gonna really hit the eh -

ROG: - fan -

BOD: - fan, yeah. Has everyone got that?

PLAYERS (muttering and putting iPods back on): Fan, yeah, that's grand.

BOD: Cool!