Monty proves he's normal Tiger proves he's human

TV VIEW/Mary Hannigan He "looks like a bulldog licking the pee from a nettle", David Feherty once famously, if a little unkindly, said of Colin Montgomerie's face on a bad day. Having never seen the expression on the mug of a pug slurping urine from a weed, it was always difficult to conjure up this image.

Finally, though, on Saturday afternoon, it was there. Monty misfired an 84 at the British Open, following rounds of 74 and 64. "Sounds like his vital statistics," said Gary Lineker on the BBC later that night, although it's worth noting that he said this to camera, and not to Monty's face. Proof, if it were needed, that centre-forwards are yellow-bellied.

(We should add, however, that this house has become enthusiastic members of LAP - the Lineker Appreciation Posse - since the World Cup. And, it is our firm belief, that anyone who hasn't warmed to the youngster has failed to do so because he didn't serve in the second World War or begin his BBC service when King George VI was still on the throne, as most of the BBC golfing crew did. It's ageism, the other way 'round.)

But yes, finally, as one examined Monty's expression as he trudged off the course - shoulders dipped, head bowed, putter in hand ready to stab in to the midriff of anyone who dared ask "how do you feel?" - the picture painted by Feherty became lucidly clear.

"Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear," Peter Alliss had said at one point during Monty's round, when his moods were evidently swinging a whole lot more effectively than his clubs. After his 74 on Thursday he had been down enough, telling the BBC's Dougie Donnelly that "the good ones are very good, but the bad ones seem to be worse than they used to be."

Dougie sympathised.

"It must be age, Dougie, it's catching us all up," said Monty.

"Tell me about it," Dougie creaked, melancholically, before the pair launched in to a rousing rendition of George Burns' I Wish I was 18 Again. Very nearly.

After his 74 Monty was steaming, and vented his feelings at a hapless BBC Radio Five Live reporter who approached him as he left the course.

"****ing great," he said, "after a 74 I don't need this."

After his 84 he complained that the media didn't want to speak to him. "I would have spoken but Tiger Woods was here and you were more interested in him. No one wanted to speak to me. I'm really hurt," he said, as surgery to remove the four-iron from the BBC Radio Five Live reporter's nether regions continued.

But still, Monty didn't understand why no one was valiant enough to approach him after that 84. Ah yes, Monty.

"You expect the great British press to give you stick if it doesn't go well. Thank goodness I don't read the newspapers any more, I gave that up 10 years ago," he told Dougie, though he didn't explain how he knew that the great British press had given him stick after round one, despite not reading the great British press for a decade.

That's why we adore him. Cranky and surly on a bad day, exuberant and jovial on a good one - he's kind of normal.

Which is what Tiger Woods proved himself to be on Saturday after his 81, the worst round of his career.

"He's not Robinson Crusoe," said Wayne Grady, but Man, Friday's 68 was tasty.

"Tomorrow's going to be a lot of fun," Tiger told Steve Rider, excitedly, after that 68, but, as it turned out, tomorrow proved to be anything but amusing. Even the viewers donned oil-skins, it was that kind of day.

Not that we cared too much, too busy being distraught over Paw-dray Harrington's failure to prevail on Sunday evening, although mightily relieved that he didn't finish second - how many bridesmaids' slots can a man take?

Relief, too, that at a time in our history when it looked like we'd never see football on terrestrial television again, up pops the 2002 Hong Kong Football Club Philips Lighting International Soccer Sevens on Channel Four.

"Wasn't that exciting," the presenter asked after Aston Villa beat Shanghai Shenhua in the semi-finals.

His enthusiasm was such that his late-night audience hadn't the heart to say "hmmm . . . nope", although she was tempted.

The climax of the tournament was so exciting that the audience drifted into a deep sleep before the final, which was actually played in May, concluded in the early hours of Saturday morning.

The result? We'll never know. It was nice, though, to see football on free telly. Is it, though, we ask fretfully, only a matter of time before Sky Sports snaps it up - or will the governor of Hong Kong add it to his listed events?

Hey, less of your sniggering. The way things are shaping up the Hong Kong Football Club Philips Lighting International Soccer Sevens might be as good as it gets.