Hibernian captain Gary Caldwell spoke to the Scottish Daily Record last week about his belief in and use of Thai therapy, claiming that it had helped him return from two broken ribs and a punctured lung almost a month ahead of schedule. "It involves a lot of stretching and massage, which can be quite painful, but it certainly loosens you up and keeps your body in tune," he explained, adding that as part of the therapy he now uses a magnetic mattress.
Magnetic attraction
Fair play, we reckoned, because usually footballers who reveal they're into anything that's a little bit different get dog's abuse.
Two days later in the same newspaper? Columnist Tam Cowan, commenting on Caldwell's use of a magnetic mattress, suggested that this might be the only way the player could "lure women in to bed". "Well, the ones with braces on their teeth," he added.
See what we mean? Poor lad.
Quotes of the Week
"I know we've been poor defensively, but let's not just focus on the five at the back please. If we do, they'll shit themselves with fear."
- Athletic Bilbao's new coach Javier Clemente, reluctant to talk about his nervy rearguard.
"I know what it is like to make bad signings. I bought keeper Paddy Roche and I am not afraid to say he was useless. The nicest bloke you could hope to meet, but a terrible buy."
- Former Manchester United supremo Tommy Docherty.
"We'll be a force to be reckoned with. When that will be, I'm not 100 per cent sure."
- Leicester City manager Craig Levein refusing to give us specifics.
"They would be as well having Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear for manager because Romanov just wants a puppet he can work."
- Former Hearts defender Allan Preston on the fun and games at the club these days.
"I said to Mourinho: 'Mister, I know you are a great coach. But the truth is you are nothing but a piece of shit.' I told him so to his face in the tunnel. However, Mourinho could still end up becoming my manager one day."
- Barcelona's, eh, Chelsea-bound Samuel Eto'o.
Mixed feelings over Clemente
By all accounts there are mixed feelings in Spain about the return of former national coach Javier Clemente to club football, now that he's been given the job at Athletic Bilbao. Well, mixed feelings for football hacks who've had run-ins with him before and are still in therapy recovering. The latest run-in? According to the Guardian one reporter insisted that when it came to football he knew what he was talking about because "he'd seen a lot of football". Clemente's response? "The cows at Lezama (the club's rural training ground) watch football every day and they haven't got a ****ing clue." Class.
Tributes of the Week
"Ruud is a cheat and a coward who is sneaky in the way he fouls players. Everyone thinks he's a nice guy but he's a son of a bitch."
- Patrick Vieira, pining for van Nistelrooy since moving to Italy.
"The two managers I really dislike are Stan Ternent and Gary Megson. I've got personal reasons for disliking them and they go back a long way. The old saying that I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire applies."
- It could only be: Sheffield United manager Neil Warnock.
"Wayne's weak point is his brain. Pressure gets to him. Maybe we can work on that next time we play United so he'll get sent off."
- Arsenal's Pascal Cygan gives a sneak preview of how he intends dealing with young Rooney next time around.
"Athletically they are as good as they come. In their starting 11, Nakata is maybe their only player who couldn't be a bouncer."
- Charlton's Danny Murphy on Bolton's big lads.
"Rio has not been that bad, but neither was he ever that good before."
- Chelsea's William Gallas stands up for Ferdinand, insisting his form hasn't changed at all.
No sympathy for 'ginger whinger'
Eighteen months ago we told you about Reading's red-headed striker Dave Kitson objecting to the club having a "Ginger Day" in his honour, when fans were asked to turn up at a game wearing ginger wigs. "I have spent all of my career getting harassed about the colour of my hair to the point where you want to fight back," he said at the time, "so the last thing I need is 15,000 people, all in ginger wigs, drawing attention to it. I have a bit of a complex about the way I look." We had hoped that Dave had come to terms with his gingerness - not so, judging by his recent interview with BBC Radio, in which he said the abuse he receives is akin to racism. "I am a sensitive guy, maybe over sensitive, but abuse doesn't just roll off my back." Alas, Kitson's plea that something be done about opposition supporters taunting him didn't receive a huge amount of sympathy from players' union boss Gordon Taylor who called him a "ginger whinger". And Alan Ball, he of the famed ginger locks, didn't show much compassion either: "I can't believe it. It's laughable. Be proud of your hair and stop whinging." Would somebody just buy the fella some hair dye and let's be done with it.
Now, now children
"Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness . . . I don't know what is happening to him but I think he is in love with Chelsea. He loves us." - Jose
"I find it out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful. I will see if there is any action to be taken, I don't know yet but this is a door that I leave open." - Arsene.
"We have a file of quotes from Mr Wenger about Chelsea Football Club in the last 12 months. It is not a file of five pages, it's a file of 120 pages . . . he should be concerned about the fact we are at game number 11 and they are 14 points behind us. And the fact they cannot win without Thierry Henry." - Jose.
"When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent." - Arsene.
"Now it's time to stop. But if he doesn't, it's time to fight." - Jose.
"I will take action if I want to take action. I have not decided yet. But I will still give my opinion about Chelsea if I want to. Nothing will stop me. We are not in a dictatorship." - Arsene.
"Children! Enough!" - The rest of us.
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