Lie back and think of England, Clive

Mary Hannigan TV ViewIt was critical, insisted Dr Glenn Wilson, that England didn't look for scapegoats after Sunday night. David Beckham, Steven Gerrard, David James and Emile Heskey, if they'd been watching Sky News at their Portuguese base, would have nodded furiously, but not half as furiously as Clive Tyldesley.

"The England fans will be talking about their 1-0 win over France in Lisbon for many years to come," the ITV commentator had, after all, declared, with a quivering voice, mere seconds before Zinedine Zidane had made it 1-1. And mere moments after predicting that Spurs' new supremo, French coach Jacques Santini, would be taunted with cries of "1-0 to the Ingurland" at every Premiership ground next season.

Tyldesley's folly, then, joins Kevin Keegan's 1998 howler (Owen equalises against Romania in the 84th minute . . . "When a game goes like this, Brian, there's only one team that'll win it and that's England" . . . Petrescu scores the winner for Romania) in the "uh oh" commentating hall of fame.

The important thing, though, said Dr Wilson, was that all concerned - he was thinking of England, we were thinking of Clive - went through "some very rapid grieving" and then put Sunday out of their minds so that they could "rebuild some positive thoughts".

Dr Wilson, by the way, is a psychiatrist who Sky News hired yesterday to reveal how the English team could possibly ever face getting on to a football pitch again. The gist of his theory was that they needed sex.

"Any positive activities that rebuild a new view of the world, including, perhaps, a degree of sexual contact, would be all to the good," he said.

"Interestingly," he continued, with a straight face, "sexual activity raises testosterone levels, which is probably exactly what they need between now and Thursday. So it would be nice if they were given a bit of contact with their wives and girlfriends, who would be very supportive in this endeavour."

And with that David Beckham rang Victoria and texted Rebecca. Well, Dr Wilson did say wives and girlfriends.

Denmark v Italy. "Trapattoni says Totti is the new Pele," Bill O'Herlihy told Liam Brady.

"He is in my . . .," said Brady, braking just in time. He'd already expressed this view on Saturday when he revealed that "I don't go for Totti all that much".

If only Beckham were as self-disciplined.

Anyway, Brady had a feeling Denmark would cause a surprise and get a draw. Denmark caused a surprise and got a draw.

Bulgaria v Sweden. When Johnny Giles gets irritated nothing can pacify him. Last night Bulgaria's defending had him climbing the walls, the "worst in the European Championships, hopeless, as bad as I've ever seen".

But still, Sweden were only a goal up after 56 minutes. Bulgaria were coming back in to it. We could sense a comeback.

But Johnny couldn't. "The way this game is going, George," he said, "Sweden have been out of it completely, but they could get the ball, have one attack and make it 2-0 from nothing."

And 3.5 seconds later Sweden got the ball, attacked and made it 2-0 from nothing. Henrik Larsson's sixth goal in six games against Bulgaria.

"He loves them, he loves Bulgarians," said Johnny, seconds before Larsson got his seventh goal in six games against Bulgaria. "God, he really loves Bulgarians," he chuckled.

More dodgy defending. "Look at this, look at this, look at this, oh my . . . God," Johnny nigh on wept. 4-0. Then 5-0.

"Stop the fight George, stop the fight," he said, packing his bags and heading for the exit. Soon to be followed, we suspect, by Bulgaria.