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Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Jockey Hughes hits a bum note over whip ban

THE CONTROVERSY over the British Horseracing Authority's introduction of curbs on the use of the whip, and subsequent complaints from jockeys that the penalties introduced are too harsh, prompted an Anthony Walsh of Dublin to offer this suggestion as a possible fix for the impasse in The Irish Times'letters page on Tuesday.

“As a solution to the question of how often a jockey should use a whip, why not have a self-regulating regime whereby the jockey receives the same number of strokes after the race as the horse did during it?”

It’s an excellent idea, and one, by the sounds of it, Richard Hughes, the jockey who quit the sport in protest at the new rules, before winning his first race back yesterday after the rules were relaxed. might agree with.

Adam Boulton ( Sky News): "Do you think it's cruel to hit a horse?" Hughes: "It's causing no harm to the horse whatsoever. We have a new stick that's an air-cushioned whip, it doesn't hurt and I've said in public that I'll stand in any parade ring in England and bare my backside and let someone beat me with the whip."

It’s not often Boulton is lost for words, but on this occasion he didn’t know quite what to say.

His co-presenter, Sarah Hewson, stepped in, asking Hughes if he expected “other jockeys to support you in this?”

She was probably referring to his general objections to the rules, rather than just his offer to unleash his backside in England’s parade rings, but Hughes said he wasn’t looking for any support at all, bare-bottomed or not, he was just doing his own thing.

“Phew,” said Boulton’s face, although the prospect of whip-wielding horses dishing out some payback to jockeys in parade rings sounds, well, really quite magnificent.

Mexican duo shoot themselves in the foot

FITTING NEATLY in to the “highly unfortunate goal celebrations of this or any other time” category is Marco Fabian’s response to his hat-trick for Guadalajara Chivas against Estudiantes Tecos in a Mexican Primera Division game last weekend.

Keep in mind Mexico’s drug war which has, by some estimates, cost 50,000 lives over the past five years, with executions a regular feature of the brutal business.

Yes, Fabian celebrated his hat-trick by holding his finger to the forehead of team-mate Alberto Medina, and pretending to execute him, Medina dropping to the ground like, well, he’d been shot.

There was, naturally enough, uproar, Chivas issuing a statement “regretting” the celebration and promising to reprimand the pair “because they are an example for the children and young people of our country”.

Fabian also apologised, but seemed at a loss to understand what the fuss was all about. “It didn’t cross our mind what people would have ended up thinking,” he said. “The truth is Alberto and I made a bet that the first to put in a goal would celebrate that way.”

Next time, Marco, just wave your arms in the air and kiss your badge, okay?

‘New York Post’ finds A Rod to beat Rodriguez with in Gadafy’s death

BASEBALL PLAYER Alex Rodriguez (or A-Rod, as he’s better known) isn’t having the happiest of seasons with the New York Yankees, injuries and mixed form leaving him well short of his best.

Considering he signed a 10-year €200 million contract in 2007, the richest deal in baseball history, Yankees fans expect a little more from the fella, and the New York Postis never slow to remind them of A-Rod's failings.

Yesterday, though, they took it, well, a step further. Under a photo of the deceased Muammar Gadafy (or Khadafy, as they spell the name) and a boy holding (supposedly) Gadafy's gun and wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap, the headline read: " Khadafy Killed By Yankee Fan – Gunman Had More Hits Than A-Rod."

Two words: ‘good’ and ‘grief.

The New York Posthas displayed their fair-share of controversial photos over the years–but this may be one of their most controversial. Even if it is someone like Gadafy, this is still a man's life we're talking about here and to take a shot at Rodriguez this way seems like a new low.

You can’t count on footballers when it comes to maths

FOX SPORTScommentator Tim McCarver got a bit excited during game one of the World Series on Wednesday night, when St Louis beat Texas 3-2, declaring: "It's a five letter word! S-T-R-I-K-E!"

All of which called to mind some previous mathematically-challenged declarations from the football world:

“That’s three world-class saves I’ve seen today – two from Cech, one from Green and one from Myhill.”

– The BBC’s Garth Crooks.

“There are 46 games in the season and we’ve played just eight of them so far. There are still 30 left, so we are not worried.”

– Tranmere’s Shaleum Logan.

“He crossed nine balls during the game, which was double anyone else on the park.”

– Ex-England manager Steve McClaren.

“The 2,000 away fans will be unhappy, in fact half of them have gone – theres only 500 left.

– Chris Waddle on BBC Radio 5.

“We had 10 times as many shots on target as Bolton and they had none at all.”

– The late Bobby Robson, then manager of Newcastle.

“Fourth spot is what we are aiming for – we don’t want to be second best.”

– Evertons Phil Neville.

For Celtic, scoring three goals is like scoring twice as many as two in Europe.”

– Former Celtic man Davie Provan on Radio Clyde.

“There’s only one club in Europe that you can leave Manchester United for – Real Madrid or Barcelona.”

– John “Aldo” Aldridge.

You know, some things just never seem to add up.

Now golfers are buying their Fairway to Heaven

SUNSET HILLS Memorial Park in Washington state is, boasts its press release, “a proud member of the Dignity Memorial network”.

Now, we can all define dignity any way we want, but you can’t really sway too far from its true definition without losing its meaning entirely.

So – that press release:

“Golfers understand the simple joys that accompany a day on the course: the smell of a freshly cut green, the sound of a well-hit drive and the satisfaction of watching a long putt fall into the hole.

“It is with these joys in mind that Sunset Hills Memorial Park and Funeral Home dedicates its new Memorial Golf Park, a complete golf course which allows committed fans of the game to be buried or placed in a permanent golf setting, the nation’s first golf-themed memorial park.”

A golf course that is, in fact, a cemetery? Okay.

The Park “can accommodate more than 1,281 golf enthusiasts, between full-casket plots and cremation placements. It also features an ossuary located under the green, accessible through the actual golf hole.”

(This isn’t made up, honest.)

It’s all the brainchild of Arne Swanson, market director for Dignity Memorial’s Seattle region. He spotted a group of golfers spreading the ashes of a pal – presumably a deceased one – on a course one day and, ding, “my thought was that there were likely other golfers who would like to be memorialised amid the surroundings of a verdant, peaceful golf course,” he said.

Sunset Hills, said Swanson, is designed by a professional golf course designer and includes “a tee-box, 820-square-foot green, fairway and sand trap.

“The green features a custom-made bronze cup, which will be used as a passageway to the ossuary.”

The Seattle Weekly was particularly taken by the access to the ossuary, where cremated remains will be stored. “One will have to use the actual golf hole? Wait, what?”

“There’s a vault installed below the green,” Swanson told them. “A passageway leads up to the top of the green and the hole.”

“Wait, what?,” they asked again.

A “Fairway to Heaven”, NBC described it. “Ever dream that your final resting place would be the place where you regularly cursed, drank beer and threw your clubs?

“Now that dream can come true . . . at a cemetery exclusively for golfers.”

“For golfers who spend a lot of time in the bunker – they’re free to spend eternity in the bunker at Sunset Hills,” said a proud Swanson, who, by now, was getting more media attention than Michael Jackson’s doctor.

He also “hinted that there could be other sporting activities incorporated into future cemetery plans”, so the mind is boggling here.

He wouldn’t, though, be the first to offer funeral-related services to sports fans; several English companies, for example, offer football-themed coffins (like the one pictured left).

Coffincompany.co.uk even photographed their offering for Geordies on the quays in Newcastle, which must have drawn a befuddled second-look or three from passers-by, although they were careful to balance things up by advertising their Sunderland special too.

Over at Natural Endings they’ve teamed up with Manchester City to offer funeral services at the City of Manchester Stadium’s Memorial Garden.

After the service they’ll transport the departed City die-hard, so to speak, to wherever he or she is being buried, and even have a range of City-themed coffins up for sale, including one in the shape of a football boot.

“City ’til I die” the club’s supporters sing. And after their demise too, it seems.

Died and gone to heaven?

Hopefully.