Ciarán Murphy: My guide for Dublin fans going to Kilkenny

Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that ticket sales have so far been sluggish ahead of Dublin’s game against Laois in the Leinster quarter-final in Nowlan Park, Kilkenny on Saturday. For Dubs fans this is a rare treat indeed – a game in a venue that isn’t serviced by Dublin Bus (no, Nowlan Park is NOT where the 11 finishes, that’s Wadelai Park).

The old trope that ‘the Dubs love an auld road trip now and again’ appears only to extend to that same small group of Dublin supporters who have actually been going to away league games for the last 20 years . . . but maybe all those fans prevaricating over this trip into the unknown need is a nudge. That’s where I come in.

By Car –

Since your last championship game away from Croke Park, there have been some changes, so pay attention. There are now basically two roads that will get you to most of the places you need to get to when you’re really going ‘down the country’ (the M1, M2, M3, or M11 just take you to where your brothers have had to move out to, poor sods). One goes west or northwest (that’s the M4); you have to take the other one. To strengthen your resolve ahead of leaving your beloved city, it might make sense to journey down the Long Mile Road, without doubt Ireland’s ugliest stretch of tarmac. If that doesn’t convince you that a change of scenery can sometimes be for the best, nothing will.

You’ll see that basically all of the bogger place-names you remember from school appear to be on the same road; Cork, Limerick, Kilkenny, Waterford – what sorcery is this? The mastermind who designed this probably moved them all into a straight line, one after another, so we wouldn’t get confused . . . must have been a Dub.

Once you pass the Poitín Stil, you can consider yourself well and truly in enemy territory. Things become murkier as you progress into Kildare. The M7 becomes the M9, and you must be on your guard to avoid ending up in Thurles, a place enshrined in GAA lore forever of course . . . as ‘that place you got stuck in a traffic jam coming into in 2001’. You should look on this time in your car as a thrilling chance to reacquaint yourself with the rich tapestry of mini-cultures that this fine nation cherishes. Kildare = horse-racing. Laois = Electric Picnic. Carlow = proximity to Kilkenny.

The motorway helpfully deposits you a couple of miles due east of Kilkenny City, whereupon you will be surprised to notice that the stadium to which you are headed does not dominate the skyline for miles around. In fact, there appears not be a skyline of any kind. You’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

By Train –

As we all know, the train is an elegant, relaxed and understated way to travel. That, and you can drink on the way down to the game. So the advantages are clear. If you’re wondering why it is ball-breakingly expensive, often over-crowded and despite being, ya know, A TRAIN, it still manages to be slower than traveling by car, then you’re asking yourself too many questions.

The only possible downside is that in every train carriage there appears to be a sizeable group of men drinking cans, talking loudly and being a general nuisance. Well Dublin fans, you might get lucky! On the other hand, I am put in mind of that old saying about how every group of friends has one person who is tight with their money. And if you don’t . . . well, you’re the tight one. Again, best not to quiz yourself too deeply on this.

By bicycle –

Google Maps suggests that Dublin to Kilkenny can be cycled in six hours, so this is a real option, and for all the men currently in their mid-life crisis who couldn’t afford that red convertible, this could be the choice for you. Feel free to wear one of those figure-hugging lycra outfits that so ensorcell and beguile us as you bundle into the office each morning after your cycle commute.

However also be advised that if two or more of you travel in your cycling kit and enter Kilkenny simultaneously, the locals WILL presume the Rás is back in town. But even if they are fooled by your Froome-like physiques, don’t worry – Kilkenny people would ignore the unexpected arrival of the Rás at their doorstep as thoroughly as they will ignore this football match.

By helicopter –

Strafing unsuspecting cattle on the plains of Kildare while you blast 'Ride of the Valkyries' from the speakers might be some people's idea of fun, but it is frowned upon by the local constabulary. Also, Jim Gavin might give the go-ahead for some of his colleagues in the Air Corps to engage and neutralise this threat to 'the team environment'. Best avoided.