Front men Dunphy, Giles and Brady steal the show

TV View: Oh boy. He said it again. "I wanted us not to get a result today," uttered Eamon 'take no prisoners' Dunphy, the quickest draw in punditry.

They say if you want to take a man out quietly, then a sniper is what you need. In comes Dunphy and opens up with machine guns and cluster grenades.

The exacting man was driven to distraction by Ireland's performance against Wales in their Euro qualification match on RTÉ. Still, his frustration was not isolated but heartily and vociferously shared in an afternoon laden with portent and gloom as soon as the cast of characters were known. Yes, Ireland won the sun-kissed match and gifted Croke Park with an historic soccer victory but the panel were all furrowed eyebrows and pouting lips, entirely bereft of the joys of spring. Shock, horror.

Ireland win and experts are distraught! Saturday afternoon was a number of things. The Steve Staunton Irish selection was, surmised Dunphy, Johnny Giles and Liam Brady, "crazy", "ridiculous", "astonishing" and "puzzling". This stillborn team selection, as it happened, formed the theme for the afternoon. Suitably fitting the acronym CRAP, the boys, with Dunphy leading of course, emptied both barrels in an orgy of blood letting.

Not alone but setting the standard, Dunphy reached into his biggest bag of outrage lines and pulled out his all-time favourite. In the firmament of famous quotations and now probably up there with "NASA we can hear you loud and clear" "I had a dream" and "We will fight them on the beaches . . . " Dunphy rehashed his "It was a shambles" before launching into his revered theme album. Up there with Dark Side of the Moon, we felt a shiver go down our spines.

When soccer historians are looking back and want to put the Irish performance in the pool stages of their Euro 2007 qualification match against a Welsh team shorn of four of their top players into context, they will just need to see "It was a shambles" and say to themselves 'what sort of renaissance man was this?' "Every time the players come into this (team environment), it is hurting them. That's what I feel. This is a step towards nothing," added the former Man U player.

Giles was also on the theme of outer limits. Dunphy's "step towards nothing" was matched by the very un-Gilesian "once Douglas was in (the team), you're going into the unknown". Cue X-Filesmusic.

Even Liam Brady, often critical but always in control, had to shoot high in order to keep pace with the increasing hyperbole from the rest of the crew.

"This was a performance full of fear," chirped 'Chippy.' "It's easy to say Robbie Keane had a poor performance or Damien Duff had a bad day but there's no one who can pass the ball to them . . . We'd a lot of aimless play." It was one of those days when the pundits were actually more interesting than the match itself. Strange that. But if the definition of value for money when watching television is originality, good execution, scene-stealing lines, blood and guts everywhere at the end and ruggedly handsome male leads, then the panel won hands down.

But Staunton's unerring ability to speak about things that people easily get excited about in a narcoleptic tone, riddled in equal measure with clichés and unnecessary caution, could never match the panache and vitriol of the panel of gunslingers.

Stephen Ireland, a skilful and bright young Manchester City player with a good future, said he was "over the moon".

Spurs striker Keane believed Ireland played well in the first half but "you know, got the result". Yes the panel were all doom and gloom and the players, as ever, pleased as punch to win. But from the first utterance to the last Staunton, and by association FAI secretary John "World Class Manager" Delaney, got a pasting like never before. Dunphy claimed that Bobby Robson picked the team, which either put the coach in the clear or nailed him to the wall as an invertebrate when it comes to selection.

Giles, a paragon of common sense couldn't see the "common sense" in the starting team.

"Douglas is a digger. Carsley is a digger," said the great Leeds player, clearly befuddled and full of Crazy, Ridiculous and Astonished Puzzlement.

So a great day at Croke Park spoiled by the very people everyone came to watch made us come to one positive conclusion. The 1,500 tickets that came back from the Welsh FA because they couldn't sell them, indicates that Wales are actually worse than we are.

Dunphy's wish was truer than he thought. One nil? Not really a result.