Flower of optimism wilts as Scots endure darkest hour

TV ViewD'you know, when Christian Panucci's header looped over Craig Gordon, the delay between the ball leaving his forehead and nestling in the back of the net distressingly interminable, we decided a meaningless, nothing-at-stake, end-of-campaign, caretaker-manager-in-charge knock-about at the Millennium Stadium was no bad thing at all.

True, it wasn't nice when Jason Koumas stuck away that last-minute penalty for Wales, but the Flower of Ireland didn't wilt at that precise moment; the petals had already dropped off in Nicosia 13 months ago. We were, then, immune to pain, nothing could ever top that torment.

Scotland, though? When will we see their like again? They fought and died for their wee bit of hill and glen against the world champions, intent on sending proud Roberto Donadoni's army homeward tae think again. But then Panucci fecked up everything and the hills are bare now and autumn leaves lie thick and still, o'er Euro 2008 qualifying hopes that are lost now, which Hampden Park so dearly held.

"What would you give to play in this game?" our Sky Sports presenter had asked his panel, made up of Andy Gray, Gary McAllister and Charlie Nicholas, while Hampden was almost coming off its hinges in the background, singing along to a Proclaimers tune.

Andy: "Anything!"

Gary: "Everything I've got!"

Charlie: Couldn't find the words, but the tear-stained cheeks and heart-bursting-through-designer-shirt and flaring nostrils and clenched fists told us he might well have been up for it.

And then a man with a silver beard sang Flower of Scotland and, honest to God, proud Edward's army would have been begging for mercy by the time we were done with them. That tune transforms us from your average Irish Josephine Soap to a Highland Terrier. It never fails.

The match opened promisingly for Scotland, apart from Luca Toni's goal after one minute and 10 seconds, but then Scotland flowered with an equaliser, before Panucci invited queries from us about his parenthood.

Inconsolable. Until David Healy's 976th, or thereabouts, goal for Northern Ireland gave them that win over Denmark at a Windsor Park so rained-upon it had a look of downtown Venice.

That was the highlight, though Jackie Fullerton's co-commentator John O'Neill's habit of breaking into hysterical laughter any time something wacky happened in the game - eg, when Dennis Rommedahl's free-kick bounced off the crossbar in the 90th minute and, 30 seconds later, Sammy Clingan's hand cleared another Danish effort off the line - was worth the BBC licence fee too. If we paid one. Perhaps, after all, there is only one team in Ireland.

Israel v Russia? It's hard to talk about, to be honest. "Golan it is who hits the heights," said the Sky man when Israel scored the winner, at which point we deposited our hammer and sickle in the bin. Golan, then, might well prove to be England's Jewell in the Crown in this campaign, which takes us seamlessly to Johnny Giles.

Paul Jewell, that is. "I had no mandate to offer him the job," Gilesie told Billo Herlihy of his chat with Jewell, which led us to ask, "Why the hell not?"

Cards on table here: if Gilesie offered the job to Engelbert Humperdinck, Willie O'Dea, Dot Cotton or Danny La Rue we'd trust his judgement, implicitly.

Although if Dot responded to a Tony O'Donoghue question following a heavy defeat to Andorra with "Luke, Chapter 4, Verse 23: Physician heal thyself" we might begin to doubt Gilesie's expertise.

"There's been a sea change in Irish soccer; this time they're trying to get all the best candidates and instead of looking at the unemployed, the unemployable and the insane they're actually headhunting the best," said Eamon Dunphy, defending Gilesie after Billo Herlihy raised the "conflict of interests" issue.

The unemployed, the unemployable and the insane? Who could he mean? Possibly ***** *******, ***** ******** or ****** *******, although surely lawyers for O'Leary, Venables and Souness would be eager to defend their clients?

"If it came to a stage where I or my employers thought there was a conflict of interest in doing this job I would withdraw from the panel," said Gilesie.

"And if he withdraws from the panel I'll withdraw," said Dunphy.

Billo and Liamo Brady showed no such "one out, all out" solidarity, so prepare yourselves for two empty panel seats next time, with a Bacardi and Coke sitting in one and Roy Keane's autobiography in the other, lest we forget.