Donal expelled by Big Brother

At last! Donal is to be asked to leave the Big Brother house. The unique experiment, under which all lived under the same roof, under the same conditions, participating in certain tests and contributing to the well-being of the house has been a massive summer hit, but in recent weeks viewers were becoming increasingly disturbed by the antics of Donal, the feisty northerner in the group.

Internet fans of the fly-on-the-wall, larger-than-life series were shocked in recent weeks when Donal began approaching certain members of the house and slipping them notes. It became apparent that Donal was attempting to influence the outcome of the experiment.

Big Brother administrators had long suspected Donal was playing one element of the house against the other but felt powerless to intervene unless members of the house reacted first. Ironically, the participants were the last to realise that the entire experiment was under threat.

Alerting them proved surprisingly difficult. Those members of the house from deeply unfashionable counties or from mere clubs couldn't recall ever having met Donal who is the founding father of the Special Gaelic Players Association (SGPA).

Those members with higher profiles and more medals remembered sitting beside him on their first day at school and sharing up to 20 per cent of their milk with him.

Psychologists attached to the programme noted that the techniques deployed by Donal to influence the group were classic. "He made others feel special and under-rewarded. He tried to find out where people were coming from and then built on that. Especially if they were coming from a big market segment. Donal has a wonderful ability to reminisce with total strangers."

In recent weeks viewers had watched with rising alarm as Donal formed alliances with several players from high-profile counties and, oddly, with anyone he met who bore the christian name Brian.

The classic chat-up lines used by Donal as he worked his way through the house went down in Big Brother lore and would become the seductive catchphrases of a generation:

"What's a pretty red helmet like you doing in a dump like this?

"Someday Ja, I'm going to take you away from all this."

"If I said you had a representative body, would you hold it against me?"

"I beg your pardon, but the SGPA promises you a rose garden."

"Anyone on for a bit of nude body-painting after tea?"

In recent weeks the pressure was stepped up and the "game within a game" came to include handwritten blandishments passed secretively to players.

One note, described by a source as "typical of the genre", read: Which of the following statements do you agree with:

1. The foundation of the SGPA in 2000 caused Big Brother to relax its rules on amateurism in 1997.

2. The foundation of the SGPA caused Big Brother to begin a study of its insurance scheme in 1998.

3. The foundation of the SGPA in 2000 caused man to walk on the moon in 1969.

If you agree with all of the above there could be a place for you in the SPGA.

Another note found in the freezer and handed in by one baffled house member appears more cryptic.

Are you a player?

If Yes, proceed to next question.

Are you really famous?

If Yes, proceed to next question.

Would you like some money?

If Yes, proceed to next question.

Just for being famous?

If Yes, proceed to next question.

Do you renounce "pay for play"?

If Yes, of course, then wink at Donal when you pass him. You will be contacted. Please eat this note.

Experts last night insisted that the tenor of the notes was consistent with other absurdist principles put forward by the SGPA: There's no such thing as a weaker county, just a dead market. Not washing after games saves time. Promiscuity promotes virtue. A happy amateur is a paid amateur.

The SPGA claims to have 450 members who operate on the general principle of never standing up to be counted. Members are instructed to start running around very quickly if attempts are made to count them.

Donal became the leading spirit of the SGPA after he had "been to the mountain top" and after he "had a dream" after he "saw a niche". These essentially spiritual experiences he describes in his CV as simply having "worked for Mark McCormack". Donal's charisma was such that he soon had an audience with Pat Kenny.

The slogan, "Weeeeee're Grrrrreat, We're Sssssspecial!" was adopted early in the SGPA's history after several more traditional alternatives ("An Injury to One is An Injury to All", "Workers of the World Unite!", "Vorsprung Durch Technic") made the membership uneasy.

The proud but largely anonymous membership which is rumoured to operate on the basis of secret handshakes (after which members count their fingers) was boosted recently when eight of its number were invested as Marlborough Men in a mass ceremony. The ceremony involved the gifting of 20 per cent of everything to the SGPA, a development which gave rise to speculation that the `A' in SGPA stood for Agent and not Association as previously thought. Members also later denied that involvement in the ceremony meant that all eight were now married to each other.

Upon learning that he was to be asked to leave the house, a tearful Donal explained to Big Brother administrators and housemates alike last night that he was from the north and couldn't help but be competitive and grumpy.

Remaining house members are to be asked to fill out a form which includes questions along the lines of, "Do you recant Donal and all his deeds?" Those who have been identified most closely with Donal will be asked to appear before the House Committee for UnBig Brother Activities.