Decline and fall by civilisation

TV View: Perhaps not the final we expected, nor maybe even wanted, but you have to admit, The Nation of Explorers vs The Founders of Civilization, as the BBC billed it, had a rather splendid ring about it, writes Mary Hannigan.

If it had been, say, Switzerland v Latvia, ITV - in an attempt to keep it snappy and catchy, while not meaning to cause offence but doing it anyway - would have tagged it as The Nation That Gave Us Cuckoo Clocks And Yodelling vs The Nation That Won The 2002 Eurovision Song Contest. Not quite as tingle-inducing.

The finalists' star men - Magellan, de Gama, Socrates, Plato and Aristotle - all, naturally, featured heavily in the BBC's build-up, with Plato's observation that "you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation" quoted to sum up Figo's contribution to Euro 2004 thus far.

Nope, we didn't see the relevance either, but not everything in football has to make sense, as Jimmy "England now have three fresh men, with three fresh legs" Hill has so often proved.

Incidentally, shouldn't that fancy BBC Euro 2004 promo, the one they used again last night, have been binned a week or two ago? Ballack, Raul, Buffon and Beckham . . . were they really the tournament's leading 'artists'?

Moving on. Over on ITV Des Lynam introduced his final game for the channel with the question: "Will it be the greatest away fixture for Greece since that tough fixture in Troy?"

Greek puns of that nature proved to Lynam's Achilles' heel all night.

Tel Venables had already suggested he was in two minds about Greece's prospects, noting that they "have never been favourites so far, so I don't think you can back them for this game . . . but I don't think you can back against them either". It's expert tipping of that nature that leaves bookies impoverished.

Bobby Robson wasn't convinced about Greece either but predicted that they would leave Portugal short of breath. "After all," he said, "they suffocated Czechoslovakia in the semi-finals." (By the time you read this Bobby will be in Constantinople on his holidays.)

Over on RTÉ, after viewing highlights of Greece and Portugal's progress to the final, an excited Bill O'Herlihy declared: "It makes the juices flow, doesn't it?" There was a stony silence from Gilesie, Liamo and Eamo, but Gilesie's face screamed: "Jaysus, Bill, too much information."

Meanwhile, back on the Beeb, Ian Wright suggested that "Greece have been lucky, Portugal have been lucky, England had no luck - and it WAS a goal against Portugal," so we pressed the mute button until the teams appeared in the tunnel.

The same tunnel, according to Motty, "where defending champions France expected to be, where Italy and Spain thought they might be, where England so badly wanted to be, where the Czech Republic thought they would be, where . . . " Motty? Just live with it: it's Portugal v Greece.

First half. Grim. "But here's a thought," said George Hamilton, "of the 14 teams who wore white . . . (silence) most have gone . . . (silence) to leave Greece playing in their second strip of white . . . (silence) . . . a bad omen perhaps. Who knows?" A frightened Ray Houghton called stadium security.

"It's been a good and entertaining half," beamed Peter Schmeichel on the Beeb. You what?

"It is disappointing, to say the least," frowned Billo back on RTÉ. The panel nodded. So did we.

"John, if you were Portuguese would you be worried?" asked Billo.

"I would, Bill," said Jorge Gilesio, "I think the Greeks are more likely to score." Hmm.

Second half. "I'm looking at the subs bench more than the game," said Houghton, unlike ourselves, busy studying the ceiling with rolling eyes.

Back to the game. Angelos Charisteas. Goal. The Greek Prime Minister erupts. Almost falls out of the VIP box. Then he sits down. Has a think. Buries his face in his hands. Full-time. He's crying. We understand his concern. The chances of his construction workers turning up for Olympic-venue-building duty before August 2009 are, well, slim.

But hats off to The Founders of Civilization. Enjoy the party. "The biggest thing to come out of Greece since Demis Roussos," as Gary Lineker concluded. And as Gilesio put it, "we should celebrate Greece getting to the final and not blame them, none of this is their fault". True. But, sorry, good riddance to Euro 2004, positively dire.