Clive builds up England for fall that never came

SOCCER: Madam, - Clive Tyldesley put the mockers on England - again! - but they still managed to win. Is this a record? - Yours, etc., SVEN-GORAN ERIKSSON, Portugal.TV View

"Is there a single name on the right of the screen that Sven or any of you would want in the England team?" Clive had, after all, asked before kick-off, as he scanned through the Swiss line-up.

At this point we foresaw the whole of England, at full-time, replying: "Eh, yeah, how about Alexander Frei?"

"It now looks like Greece, rather than Spain or Portugal, will be our quarter-final opponents, without tempting fate," he said four minutes before half-time. That was with 49 minutes plus added time - and you know what can happen England in added time? - still to play.

Clive, then, attempted to do it again, to the point where the typically serene Mr Eriksson might have been tempted to leave his dug-out, climb up to the commentators' nest in the sky, wag his finger and say: "A plague on your microphone, Mr Tyldesley."

At that stage the only, only consolation for Eriksson would have been that Clive is off duty next Monday for the Croatia game, when the BBC will be on live England duty for the first time in Euro 2004. (Watch out for a cautious John Motson declaring: "Who would swap Shakhtar Donetsk's Stipe Pletikosa for Manchester City's David James?" Okay, bad example. "Who would swap Hajduk Split's Mato Neretljak for Real Madrid's David Beckham?").

In fairness to our Clive he wasn't alone. Des Lynam attempted to be cautious - "If they don't win tonight: air tickets, whoosh, they're gone"- but not the others.

"I can't make a case for the Swiss team," said Andy Townsend, back on ITV, "who might get in to the England team? Not one of them, not one of them." Trevor Steven, meanwhile, was confident the Swiss were "nothing to worry about". At this point we had a chilly feeling in our bones the Swiss would be heaps to worry about. All concerned were asking for it. Again.

"I have a good gut reaction, Desmond," Sir Robert Robson told Lynam before kick-off. "There's nothing in the Swiss side that would frighten me, to be honest - they haven't any outlandish pace in the wide berths." Indeed.

Then Bobby analysed England's defensive line-up. "I think Terry's going to play with . . . eh . . . tell me again . . . with . . . eh . . . Sol Campbell, yes," he said.

"With John Terry, as opposed to Ledley King, Bobby," said Des. "Yes," said Bobby.

Over to Switzerland where ITV's Ned Boulting was testing the mood of the natives. "One guy I like is the Rowney," said the obligatory taxi driver, "he like the bull, yes?"

Back on RTÉ Bill O'Herlihy was insisting that if England couldn't surmount this obstacle they should just pour their efforts into netball. "If you're not good enough to beat Switzerland you shouldn't be there," he said, to which Mick McCarthy/Brian Kerr replied: "but we're not Bill, we're bloody not there".

Kick-off. Ten minutes in and, according to Bobby, "the Swedes have made the better start".

"If anyone out there was under-estimating Switzerland prior to kick-off the opening minutes have reminded us that this is a team that won its qualifying group," said Clive, and he didn't seem to be jesting. He actually said: "if anyone out there ".

But then Rowney the Bull - who could earn himself a Huggies advertising contract after this - scored. "Cometh the hour, cometh the boy," as Clive put it.

Half-time. RTÉ dissected the English goal. "This is where Beckham was superb," said Eamon Dunphy, and with that those of us who turned down odds of 1,000,000-1 on Dunphy using the words "Beckham" and "superb" in the same sentence in the course of Euro 2004 were, well, inconsolable.

Time for the second half. "Back to our commentary team of Ray Houghton and . . . Ray Houghton," said Bill, who reckons RTÉ's co-commentator is so good they named him twice.

Rowney the Bull, at it again. Goal. And then Steven "Stevie" "Stevo" Gerrard - 3-0. Liam Brady reached for the Prozac, while Dunphy did the talking. "I can see England getting to the final, Bill," he said, "we'll see a lot of England, maybe a lot more that we'd like to see. England in the semis, the balloon will be up again."

A balloon the Swiss couldn't burst, however, despite Clive's best efforts.