At least we'll have nothing riding on The Escalater in Rome
However dismayed, frustrated or peculiar we may feel about the outcome last weekend in Scotland, it’s the man at the helm, the head coach, who plans, picks and prepares the team who takes the rap for all our nation’s ills. This week anyway. But, just imagine who was on his missed call list on Monday morning . . .
“Declan, it’s Eddie O’Sullivan here, it’s been a while, but I just thought I’d let you know you have my full support after the disaster on Sunday. I’ve been on the receiving end a couple of times, well obviously not as bad as THAT, but . . . actually I don’t think I’ve ever had as bad a result as that, come to think of it, but you know, you can’t make an omelette in a cheese-grater.
“What I mean by that is you can’t make a toasted sandwich in a trouser-press, you know? But if I was in your shoes, (and maybe I should be) I’d just batten down the hatches, stand back and let the man see the rabbit, ’cause otherwise you won’t be able to see the woods from the trees.”
DK: “Holy God, what’s he on?”
Skips to next message.
“Diccie, it’s your buddy Mattie Williams here, mayte. I mean I know we’ve barely mit, but you’re still one of moy bist maytes, mayte.
“Look, I knouuw hauw difficult it mast be for ya at the mowment, but Diccie, mayte, buddy, let me tell you this, mayte: when I took auver as Scottish cauch in 2003, I instilled an ithic of discipline in defince that I belieuve contributed to them beating you last Sunday, mayte.
“Look, I daun’t wanna blow moy aun trumpet here, mayte, but since then Diccie, it is widely acknowledged I am one of the most respected coaches in . . . well if not the world, certainly Scotland. My point is, mayte, that even in the darkest tunnels there is light at the end of the eh . . . tunnel.”
DK: “Jesus how did he get my number?!”
Things were bad enough in Murrayfield at the end of the most depressing match involving Ireland, possibly since the loss to Argentina in the ’07 World Cup, or hang on, maybe the 60-0 in Hamilton was worse, although the defeat to England last year was a bit of a shambles, no wait, Wales in the 2011 World Cup took the biscuit . . . hmm, there have been a few come to think of it, but when, in his post-match summation Jamie Heaslip nuttered (that’s not a typo) the immortal words “Ireland are in a good place” well, I might have chuckled, if I’d been able to pick myself up off the floor.
The general post-match reaction makes our economic “situation” feel like a mild slump, though possibly easier to fix.