Any old Portuguese in a storm for Limerick

LOCKER ROOM:It's more culture clash than clash of the ash, and definitely a step-over too far for lovers of hurling, writes Tom Humphries

SCENES FROM Cristiano Ronaldo's Munster hurling debut for Limerick, Semple Stadium, June 22nd, 2008.

3pm:Arrives at Semple Stadium by chopper with JP McManus. Repeats "just good friends" line to waiting media. McManus restates intention to bring the bling to Limerick hurling.

3.15pm:Emerges from physio room after thorough oil and rub-down of hair. Shocks dressingroom by claiming Tipperary have made him a late offer. Boyhood dream to play for the Prem, etc, etc. Long discussions in Portuguese between Gary Kirby and Ronaldo. Furious gesticulating from both men. Ronaldo sulks for a while then Limerick's considered position ("G'wan the feck so") is texted to his agent.

3.25pm: Alarm in Limerick dressingroom. Ronaldo falls to ground theatrically clutching heart. Appears to be weeping and howling in distress. Refuses to let physio or team doctor touch him.

Stephen Lucey finally steps forward. "Okay, you have the last blue Powerade then." Much to relief of all present, Ronaldo recovers.

3:50pm: Parade: Does well. No waving. White suit with black silk shirt is deemed inappropriate but a rookie error. Responds poorly also to encouraging slap on backside from Mark Foley as parade breaks. Falls on ground clutching ankle. Grimacing. Makes "substitute me" sign to Richie Bennis, who is daydreaming at time. Several women faint during Ronaldo's lascivious stretching routine. Is it for this good men died? Redser O'Grady spotted heading home busting out some Ronaldo moves, "for the laydeees".

4pm: Throw-in and first sign of frustration as lightning touchline run is ignored by Donal O'Grady in midfield. Turns to crowd with hands out beseeching them to urge reason upon O'Grady. Still. Early doors.

4.02pm:Goes down clutching head some distance from action. Looks distressed and shellshocked. Limerick physio sends for Armani helmet. Limerick fans take it as sign of their new corner forward's passion for the county that Ronaldo is willing to sacrifice his hair for Limerick hurling. Ciarán Carey has often done the same.

Choir of angels and blinding light evident as he affixes the emergency helmet to his world-class barnet. Responds to warm applause by running to Killinan end kissing the Limerick crest on his jersey. Much to irritation of Clare people gathered there en masse.

4.13pm:First sign of what just might be as Ronaldo performs three of his patented step-overs through a tangle of bodies in the Clare square. Beautifully judged if irritating for those urging him to pull hard on the breaking ball he has left behind. Still. Boy done well.

4.17pm:Play held up as Ronaldo seeks explanation and then apology from Gary Kirby for the latter's encouraging roar from sideline: "Pull hard, Ron, he's no relation."

4.19pm:The player's habit of winking at all around him every time a Clare player gets booked is misunderstood and play is held up while medics attempt to remove rogue item from Ronaldo's eye. No objection from Ronaldo.

4.25pm:Limerick point from Ollie Moran. Philip Brennan in Clare goal is surprised during his puck-out action to see Ronaldo sprint past, arms outstretched like airplane wings and jersey pulled up over his face as he heads to absorb the adulation of the terraces. Play resumes after ugly collision with the stouter of the two umpires.

4.29pm:Ronaldo runs interference for Niall Moran, performing somersault following the latter's fine catch. Moran's quick hand-pass to Ronaldo is somewhat lost in translation but again flashes of potential. Unfortunate interlude as Ronaldo explores the indiscernible grain of truth behind the cliché that Johnny Clareman doesn't like it up him.

4.35pm:Mistimes catch on water bottle thrown in from sideline. Falls to ground, writhing, gyrating and spasming. Refuses to stop until referee agrees to book water bottle. Gets up and spends interval to half-time winking to team-mates.

4.5pm:Gerry O'Grady, the Clare corner back, is surprised when a courier firm delivers a mahogany sideboard, and several hundred scaffolding planks to the right-corner-back spot before second half resumes. Serious misunderstanding of the instruction to give O'Grady timber or sign of things to come. This hurling championship has been crying out for something different.

4.57pm: Clare pulling away. Ronaldo looking conspicuously uninterested. Leaving foot in on challenges made on linesman. Runs into space becoming fewer and fewer.

5.03pm: Ollie Moran goal. Classic route-one, especially from Ronaldo, who sprints from left corner and just as puck-out is being taken leaps and straddles Moran, fondly running hands through the Ahane man's hair and then placing hands on both cheeks before kissing Moran, who maintains statuesque rigidity throughout the entire ordeal.

5.05pm: Moran, still feigning injury, asks to be taken off in case he scores again.

5.16pm:Heroic intervention by Ronaldo. Jonathon Clancy's wristy ground stroke is blocked by the Portuguese corner forward as he does a Jürgen Klinsmann across his own goalmouth while still celebrating Moran's goal. Ball is cleared as Ronaldo lies on back performing a Michael Jackson routine while facing the sky.

5.22pm:Realising that Limerick are losing, Ronaldo literally lets his head drop and gets pulled on several times in waist-high challenges. Asks to be withdrawn after brief sideline consultation with agent.

5.27pm:Summons journalists to media mixed zone under old stand. Waits impatiently for Tipp FM to join small scrum. Announces enigmatically that he has found it difficult to settle in Kilmallock and is looking at houses in Holy Cross. Reading from prompt cards serenely denounces match referee as a melted hoor.

5.30pm:Confusion as Ronaldo sportingly tries to swap jersey with that good-looking interviewer from The Sunday Game.

Finally the worst of times turned into the best of times in Portlaoise yesterday. Congratulations to all out around Twelfth Lock on Lucan's brilliant Féile win. For a team who were put through the wringer this week the style and conviction of yesterday's win in Portlaoise was a joy to behold.

Great week's work to pull together mightily and then do the business on the pitch.

Maybe the most extraordinary Féile win of recent years. Well done to Martina McGilloway, Grasshopper and the gang. Great day for Dublin camogie.