Allan, the Thierry Henry of rugby

RUGBY:Will preventing England from winning the Grand Slam genuinely make the season worth while? Oooh yea! OOOH YEA!

WELL WE’VE seen it all now; a slow, quick lineout that was so illegal it might as well have been thrown in by the ball boy, resulting in seven crucial points to the gyrating leek-men singing hymns and arias; Warren Gatland laughing, if you don’t mind, and Father Deccie finally caving into the pressure by telling Hugh Cahill of RTÉ to eff off. Well he didn’t actually use the words eff off, but when Deccie shifted his weight and gave him the Cork eye-balls and said “I think you need to check your facts”, that’s pretty much the same thing in Kidney-speak.

It’s virtually impossible to look back on another one that got away without grasping desperately at ifs and buts; eg IF only the touch judge Peter Allan had decided to remove his head from his posterior he might have actually been following the match; BUT how can you be that adamant you’re right and simultaneously be that wrong? Presumably neither of these questions/observations will be answered, but (that word again) shouldn’t somebody pay for this? Wayne Barnes, maybe? I know he had nothing to do with Saturday’s match, but still I just thought I’d put the idea out there.

We’ve heard a lot about game-plans, Plan A, Plan B, imposing your game-plan and preventing the opposition from developing their game-plan, but with officials like these who needs game-plans? Or opponents?

You’d have to wonder if the throw-in was actually taken by the ball boy, would Allan have noticed it? Maybe as the lineout was to Wales and the ball boy was Welsh, Kaplan would’ve allowed it anyway? Should that be the new rule? It might spark the IRB into introducing yet another rule. Paddy O’Brien at the next referees briefing? “As long as it’s thrown in by the same ball boy that caught it, it’s perfectly fine.” Aghhhh!

Everyone seems agreed Ireland made the perfect start, although it’s doubtful whether Eoin Reddan would go along with that. Having nearly had his head blown off by Lee Byrne’s clearance kick after just 50 seconds he looked like he didn’t know where he was. Mind you I don’t think Paddy Wallace received any blow to the head and he looked like he didn’t know where he was either, or perhaps more to the point, where Keith Earls was, but that’s another story.

As Ireland approach the last game of the campaign the championship seems over before it began. Have Ireland really been particularly bad or have they just been very unlucky? Have the officials been especially awful in this tournament? Or are there simply just too many bloody rules? Perhaps all, some or none of the above, but there has to be some correlation between referees creating all the headlines and the fact that this has, without a shadow of a doubt, been the worst Six Nations of the professional era.

Apart from Italy beating a shocking French team last weekend, the most exciting aspect this year has been trying to predict what mad team or what mad remark Marc Lievremont will come up with next. Shifting one of the best players in the world, Imanol Harinordoquy, from number eight against Ireland, to flanker against England, to the bench against Italy doesn’t point to a very stable state of mind. He may well end up at outhalf at the World Cup! As I always say when France perform so poorly, why don’t they ever play that way against Ireland?

But this is the week of St Patrick and St Cheltenham where all around the world people are claiming ancestry of our little island. Some are welcome, like Scarlett Johansson, others like Jermaine Pennant, less so, but if Ireland beat England on Saturday a large slice of America will be giving it the “Be- japers and begorrah I’m Irish all the way, ye eejit”.

Martin Johnson is about as English as Marmite and must be just delighted and a tad surprised a mediocre England come looking for another Grand Slam. Not that you’d know it from looking at him. In fact, having observed him for the last six weeks (not easy I know), he seems capable of only two types of expression; confusion or rage. Emotions we Irish can certainly relate to, especially whenever Jonathan Kaplan is around.

Of course we beat England now on such a regular basis, it’s hard to keep up the resentment of 800 years. We don’t need to open the history books or delve into the memories of humiliating hammerings in order to roll up the sleeves and get the pulse racing as if we were playing ourselves. We’re beyond all that now aren’t we? We beat them in cricket for goodness sake!

However, occasionally it’s nice to get a reminder of how we’re still perceived across the water, especially when our economic you-know-what is the centre of attention. Nowadays in England, we’re usually represented by chat show hosts or in “special” TV reports about “THE CRISIS” delivered in the carefully modulated, patronising tones of a Sky News presenter who sums us up thus – “Even though Great Britain is bailing out its destitute neighbour Éire, the plucky Irish still have their pride, they still have their passion and most importantly of all (said over pictures of Paddies lashing back pints) they still have their Guinness.” Gee thanks! In fairness, this week of all weeks, we can hardly dispute that depiction.

But nothing quite focuses the mind for Ireland players like the tanks in white arriving into Dublin like they own the shop. One look at the names on the teamsheet is enough to get the blood pressure rising; Toby, Ben, Jonny, Nick and Dan. Where else would they be from?

Doubtless in his team talk, Deccie won’t stoop so low as to bring up the last time England won a Grand Slam here,when a certain M Johnson did the standing on the wrong side of the carpet thing and made our President walk on the grass. Let it go! Let it go! No Deccie would have no need to draw on that, he might, however, ask them gently how much they want to win this game? Is there really enough at stake for Ireland? Will preventing England from winning the Slam genuinely make the season worth while? Oooh yeah! OOOOH YEAH!

Finally just in case you’re reading this, Mr Allan (although even if you are you’re probably looking at something else), you need not fear, nobody in Ireland likes to see an individual picked out and persecuted unjustly. And just remember, you are in an elite and exclusive club which will be forever etched into the psyche of the Irish people. You’re right up the there with Thierry Henry. Take a bow!