From most ridiculous hissy fit to non-announcement of the season: Miriam Lord’s end-of-term Dáil awards

The first half is over. The teams are in the dressing-room.

Time for Oireachtas end-of-term ratings.

Most Ridiculous Hissy Fit

Michael Collins of the Rural Independents for losing his head and the plot when Minister of State Pippa Hackett referred to him as an “organic farmer” – a noble calling which Collins – until quite recently – pursued with such enthusiasm that he is on the Dáil record as declaring: “I am proud to be organic!”

The TD for Cork South-West, whose son now runs the farm, also outrageously claimed that the only way she could have known this “private information” was through her husband, who inspected her farm.

Simon Harris hares around the Dáil like the Duracell bunny - but then the battery goes flat

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Miriam Lord: Simon Harris acknowledges wrong done to Stardust families. Now he must do right by them

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Miriam Lord: Mary Lou – yes, Mary Lou – accuses Taoiseach of ‘playing to the gallery’

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“You are using that private information from the Organic Trust to point the finger at me,” he roared at the astonished Minister of State, who reminded him he had never kept his farming method a secret.

Meanwhile, the Organic Trust had to email its members assuring them that their details are never shared with others.

How Long Have I Got Left Award for services to annoying the Government

President Michael D Higgins for taking a very dim view of Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin’s Consultative Forum on International Security Policy and “inadvertently” insulting the chair of the forum, Prof Louise Richardson, with his “throwaway”, very pointed observation that she is “a very large DBE – Dame of the British Empire”.

Get the popcorn in – he’ll only get worse.

Come On Ye Girls in Green (and Red) Award for most unlikely job description

Labour leader Ivana Bacik, TD for Dublin Bay South, who was described in a recent tweet from party headquarters as “our gaffer”.

She even has her FAI coaching badges, apparently. Labour’s recent Private Members’ motion calling for more State investment in the League of Ireland and grassroots football got Government and cross-party support.

But the gaffer? Can’t see it catching on.

Leo Quote of the Season

An early one, from January: “Because as we all know from past experience, some people who are billionaires on paper or appear to be billionaires are actually fur coat and no knickers.”

Non-Announcement of the Season

In February, Fianna Fáil confirmed that Bertie Ahern had been readmitted to the party earlier on Wednesday. A spokeswoman said: “We received a membership application and it was accepted by the party.”

We hear Micheál Martin was absolutely thrilled.

“The Irish Times understands Mr Ahern has paid the €20 annual fee to be a member,” we reported at the time.

And it was all his own money too.

People Before Prophets of Doom Award

People Before Profit for its pamphlet warning that Ireland’s wealthy right-wing elite, cheered on by its media puppets, will stage a coup if the left ever get into power in Ireland.

Best Dáil Comeback

PBP’s Bríd Smith after Leo Varadkar’s condescending conclusion that PBP members are passionate and interesting and worth listening to in the Dáil “but are you sure you’re not a bit bonkers?”

Bríd, who announced recently that she is retiring from national politics at the next election, shot back: “I’d rather be bonkers than a Tory like you!”

Most Optimistic Leader Award

Labour gaffer Ivana Bacik for promising to build a million new houses over the next 10 years should Labour get into power.

Least Impressed by the Gaffer Award

Kerry Independent TD Danny Healy-Rae upon hearing her prediction: “So Ivana says she’s going to build a millun houses. I wouldn’t trusht Labour to build a hin-house. And if they did cobble something together the fox would clean it in one night.”

Gold Medal for Outstanding Display of Team Spirit and Coalition Collegiality

The runaway winners are Fine Gael’s ambitious trio of junior Ministers Jennifer Carroll MacNeill, Martin Heydon and Peter Burke for their article in the Irish Independent calling for a €1,000 tax cut for middle-income earners. Their Fianna Fáil Coalition partners were fuming over this solo run and incandescent when they realised the three Ministers acted with Leo Varadkar’s approval.

They dismissed the uncosted proposal as a populist move, with one TD calling it “nuts”.

If Fianna Fáil Minister for Finance Michael McGrath was angry at being caught unawares by supposed colleagues, he didn’t show it. “An unusual approach,” he shrugged.

Earache Award for Triggering Tinnitus

This is always a crowded field with a dependable cohort of shouters regularly vying for the prize.

As always, the likes of Richard Boyd Barrett (PBP), Pearse Doherty (SF), Richard O’Donoghue (Rural Independents), pocket-rocket Mairéad Farrell (SF) are to the forefront but a new talent has emerged from the Sinn Féin ranks in the form of Cork North Central’s Thomas Gould, who not only bellows but does so in a fine Cork accent.

Services to the English Language

Tipperary’s Mattie McGrath, capping a masterly opening Dáil season with an exceptional tour-de-farce performance at the RTÉcommittee hearings. The standout was his coruscating exchange with acting deputy DG Adrian Lynch when the Montrose executive couldn’t make out what he was saying.

Mattie repeatedly and rapidly asked the baffled witness: “Who are yah lyal teh? Who are yah lyal teh?”

It sounded like “Who are yah lyin’ teh?” to many listeners, including the Southsoide-accented Lynch.

Eventually, the penny dropped.

“Oh, loy-al. Loyyle-loyyle-loyyle!”

After the committee, Mattie’s question instantly became a new form of greeting in Leinster House as people started hailing each other with those five little words.

“Who are yah lyal teh?”

If You’ve Got Nothing to Say, Say Nothing Award

A veteran broadcaster had two attacks of the Fanning Flutters as the political season wound down. RTÉ’s Dave Fanning caused upset when he spoke some harsh words about Christy Dignam in a radio interview just after the Aslan frontman’s death. He quickly and graciously apologised unreservedly.

And then he tweeted that the appearance of Ryan Tubridy and his agent Noel Kelly before two Dáil committees was a “nonsensical Oireachtas Nuremberg trial”. Fanning is another one of the agent’s clients – a fact not lost on Labour’s Alan Kelly, who asked new DG Kevin Bakhurst: “How is that appropriate?”

Backbencher of the Year

Fianna Fáil TD James O’Connor, who is the youngest member of the Dáil and not averse to throwing his toys out of the pram on a regular basis, usually at his long-suffering leader and fellow Corkman Micheál Martin.

His latest beef seems to be that his “expectations are not being met” over the resolution of issues in Youghal, while he was highly put out last week after the boss branded him “a Jekyll and Hyde character” at the weekly parliamentary party meeting.

James has since had a “clear the air” meeting with Micheál. It was “constructive”.

Gold Star for Best Performance in the Upper House

Independent Senator Tom Clonan, whose powers of persuasion convinced Coalition colleagues to ignore a Government proposal to delay his Disability Rights Bill, thus winning a crucial Seanad vote to keep the legislation alive.

Best New Leader

Holly Cairns, who succeeded Róisín Shortall and Catherine Murphy at the helm of the Social Democrats in March. An interesting feature of her low-key Dáil appearances is her ability to get under the skin of the Taoiseach, who has been noticeably caustic with many of his replies.

After her election, she firmly rejected the possibility of a merger with the Labour Party.

“Among the many differences between us and the Social Democrats is that the Labour Party was founded by James Connolly. The Social Democrats were founded by Stephen Donnelly,” was Labour’s sniffy response.

Holly came back strongly. “I’d rather be in a party that has abandoned Stephen Donnelly than one which has abandoned the principles of James Connolly.”

Minister of the Season (in a game of two halves)

Fine Gael buddies Heather Humphreys and Simon Harris share the runners-up podium. Heather for shutting up sniggering Sinn Féin TDs when, during exchanges on the rising cost of living, she agreed that prices had gone up.

“And even the price of nappy wipes, they’ve gone up as well.”

The Sinn Féin lads scoffed when she said some supermarkets had cut the prices of items such as bread and butter following the intervention of Minister of State Neale Richmond.

“What about the nappy wipes?” sneered Mark Ward and his giggling comrades.

“Ye might laugh. Ye might laugh but if you’re a woman or if you’re a grandmother like me you know why you’re buyin’ nappy wipes. You need them if you have a small child and I think the woman who is getting the extra €100 next month in their child benefit payment, they might appreciate it.”

The lads shut up.

“So don’t be laughin’ at that!”

Minister for Higher Education Harris introduced 21 new college courses where students can get degrees without having to worry about their Leaving Cert points. Nursing, engineering and business are some of the courses and there is some hope that the move might mark the beginning of the end of the infernal points race which causes so much angst for parents and students.

But our top end-of-term minister is Fianna Fáil’s Captain Sensible, Michael “Steady as She Goes” McGrath.

The Minister for Finance may not be the most exciting politician at the Cabinet table, but he remains unmoved by the brazen kite-flying antics of some of his Coalition colleagues anxious to unlock his billions of budget surplus and splash the cash in advance of the election.

They aren’t getting much change out of him.

He exudes a quiet confidence as he plays his cards close to his chest.

But the real test comes when pre-election pressure on the purse strings intensifies after the summer break.