Miriam Lord: Fianna Fáil serves up awkward doughnuts at Mullingar think-in

Fair dues to the Taoiseach for picking up his host for the afternoon in Mullingar and giving him a lift to his own event.

Although one supposes Tesla-driving Robert Troy, local TD in the town selected for this year’s Fianna Fáil Tink-In, would have been more than capable of making it to the Mullingar Park Hotel under his own lithium steam.

Except Micheál Martin and the man who was his minister of State until three weeks ago when mounting questions over his property interests forced him to resign had other business to conclude before they could get down to the actual thinking bit, which would take place over a whole two half-days. The duo nipped across town first to attend the opening of 44 new homes built by Tuath Housing in partnership with Westmeath County Council.

An ebullient Darragh O’Brien, the Minister for Housing, was also present but he travelled on to the hotel in his own ministerial car and wisely, sorry, modestly kept out of shot when Martin and Troy pitched up at the front door for a wonderfully awkward press briefing to mark the important deliberations to come. When the Taoiseach made his way to the microphones he was followed by a small number of politicians who tiptoed silently around him until the traditional doughnut formation was complete.

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Awkward Doughnuts may not be on the menu in Krispy Kreme, but Fianna Fáil served up a delicious one on Monday, the like of which has not been sampled since a former RTÉ political correspondent was famously surrounded by a silent confection of zombie grassroots in the middle of a live broadcast from a Fianna Fáil ardfheis.

Given the property-related travails of the exceedingly apologetic Troy, a housing-related event was, perhaps, not the best gig for the Taoiseach and his erstwhile minister to find themselves at while arriving together in the same car might not have been the best call for Micheál to make.

However, as he was on Robert’s constituency patch, he couldn’t leave his Westmeath host and hometown boy out of the frame when the cameras began to roll. Joe Flaherty is the other Fianna Fáil TD in the constituency, but he represents the Longford end of it. Although one backbencher noted as the afternoon wore on that a smiling Joe was “walking around the place all day with his chest puffed out”.

The Taoiseach was very keen to focus on the issues, which he did for a few minutes while Robert’s pale and pinched little face throbbed like an anxiety beacon behind him. Two female politicians dressed in very bright colours were positioned on either side of Micheál — Deputy Mary Butler (deep purple) looked like she was about to be shot at dawn and Senator Lisa Chambers (pink and fire-engine red) looked like she had just been told she had to pull the trigger. The only senior Minister in the doughnut was Stephen Donnelly, but as he was in the back row this could only be divined by the glint off the top of his head.

It didn’t take long for the questions to pivot to the former minister of State for trade regulation, who looked petrified.

“Can I ask you, Robert Troy, given that we’re in your backyard here…” shouted one of the journalists.

What? His backyard? He owns a hotel as well?

At the mention of the recent unpleasantness, Mary and Lisa stood stock still, staring straight ahead. Micheál slowly drew back.

“Just to say: you’re all very welcome to Mullingar,” said the constituency TD, placing particular emphasis on all his party colleagues who had travelled to Westmeath for the occasion, as opposed to the media hounds whose relentless pressure had forced him out. As for the mix-ups over his 11 properties and not declaring all of them in his paperwork, he had already addressed those “unintentional errors” made “a fulsome apology” and was making another one now.

“Will you run in the next election?”

“Oh, certainly,” he shot back at impressive speed.

The effectiveness of Brian Cody’s motivational skills may become apparent when the Dáil resumes on Wednesday

And still, the Taoiseach tried to focus on issues, including childcare costs, inheritance taxes, the Northern Ireland protocol, the cost of living, the imminent budget and Barry Cowen.

Actually he didn’t mention the TD for Laois-Offaly who he sacked as minister for agriculture over a drink-driving controversy, but was asked to comment on weekend reports that the Garda Síochána Ombudsman Commission, following an investigation, has found that deputy Cowen did not seek to avoid a Garda checkpoint in 2016. There was much talk in the Mullingar Park about him getting the nod for the senior team again when the Government reshuffles in November and it seems Barry is celebrating by growing a new beard.

So has the Taoiseach spoken to deputy Cowen since the good news from Gsoc?

“I had a brief discussion with Barry last week at the wind farm,” replied Micheál.

Last week? Nobody told us the Dáil was back in business then.

So might there be a way back for Barry? (Robert Troy looked like he was going to burst into tears.)

“Every member of the Fianna Fáil parliamentary party will always have an opportunity in the fullness of time…” spluttered the boss.

Did that include Robert, asked somebody else, compounding Troy’s misery over his public political poonami. Mary and Lisa looked stricken and Robert pursed his lips so tightly he began to resemble the straining baby from the Pampers advert.

Attendance at the various policy sessions was fair to middling. Some politicians sneaked off to have a swim in the pool.

To round off proceedings on their opening afternoon, Fianna Fáil drafted in KK to give the squad a motivational talk. Brian Cody, the former Kilkenny hurling manager who coached the Cats to 11 All-Ireland senior hurling titles, was the headline act of the day with a 75-minute evening slot at the end of hours of dry discussion. That’s the equivalent of a championship game plus five minutes’ injury time.

The effectiveness of Cody’s motivational skills may become apparent when the Dáil resumes on Wednesday. There should be blood on the chamber carpet and when the parliamentary party meets to have the row it very carefully avoided at its Tink-In, some of the huffers and puffers of recent months might finally challenge their leader to leave the dressingroom for good — not through the door, not through the windows but through the effin’ wall!

Although faced with a Fianna Fáil squad of uncertain calibre in Mullingar, the best thing the doughty Cody could have done was played a video of that famous d’Unbelievables sketch of a barnstorming team pep talk on county final day to the Belgooly U-13s.

After their battering from no-nonsense Brian, the Fianna Fáilers and their media guests repaired for dinner, passing what looked like a team-building message on the way inside. “Your success starts here.”

On closer inspection, it read “Your slimming success starts here.”

Maybe tomorrow.