Welcome, detainees, to your rather familiar new home

NEWTON'S OPTIC:FÁILTE GO hÉirinn and welcome to Ireland. This Department of Justice advice leaflet ( So You've Just Been Released from Guantánamo Bay, Stationery Office, €4.99) contains all the information you will need to settle into your new home.

Ireland is a small island nation with an enemy prison camp in one corner. Inmates of the camp wear orange suits and pray six times a day.

The rest of the island is a bankrupt one-party state. This should all be reassuringly familiar.

On arrival, your first priority will be finding a place to live. You will probably want something small, with not quite enough room to lie down or stand up, plus constant noise and a view into several identical properties just inches away. Ireland has a ready supply of this type of accommodation and almost all of it is currently available.

When negotiating the rent it is normal to ask for a 30 per cent discount, known as a “haircut”. Do not accept an actual haircut instead as this is not worth the same, or least not yet. Also, when meeting landlords, do not be alarmed if they mention “the water board”. This does not refer to a form of torture, or at least not until the next budget.

Your second priority will be getting a job. After years of sitting around doing absolutely nothing until you started to fear that you were losing your mind, you are ideally qualified to work in the public sector. Any encounters you may have had with the Taliban should be useful experience for dealing with your union. When joining a public sector union, do not be alarmed if they mention “benchmarking”. Although this does refer to a form of torture, it will be over soon.

Your familiarity with forced standing, stress positions and alternating exposure to heat and cold will be excellent preparation for commuting by Dublin Bus.

If you cannot find a job you may wish to undertake work-related training or study. Unfortunately, in Ireland the authorities are only able to arrange this at times of full employment.

All other essential needs, such as food, clothing, limousines and yacht repair, can be claimed on expenses. Write an approximate figure on a blank piece of paper and hand it to any passing taxpayer. You will find that they are always happy to oblige.

Culture shock is common when moving to Ireland. Most immigrants are shocked that Irish culture is so common. Under no circumstances should you tell people that in prison you were denied access to books. Reading books carries a terrible social stigma. As a Muslim, you may politely excuse yourself from round-the-clock consumption of pork and alcohol. Take particularly care before laughing at any jokes by Tommy Tiernan.

Finally, you will notice that the whole country has been festooned with posters reading Yes or No. This is due to the famous Irish love of rhetorical debate. If someone approaches you and asks “Yes?” or “No?” you may join in the national pastime by replying “Yes!” or “No!”, or “No!” or “Yes!” as appropriate. It is all quite harmless and will help you to integrate with the host community, as long as you get the answer right eventually.