Shining example of legalese fails to do the trick

EMMA is now talking about becoming a lawyer and she doesn't want to hear any strained jokes about the profession.

Just one light bulb joke, I plead. Okay, just but provided I can outdo her in light bulb jokes before I mention lawyers. She goes first.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Okay, how many? "Two. One change it and another to change it back again."

No, that is only Fine Gael politicians, I replied. Because it takes four Labour politicians to change a light bulb one to change it and three to deny it. And it takes 100 Fianna Fail politicians one to change it and 99 to revive the economy so that we need light bulbs again. And it takes no Progressive Democrats to change a light bulb because the changing of light bulbs has been privatised.

How about, Emma said, it takes no politicians to change a light bulb for they can all see the light at the end of the tunnel. And no, I still can't tell the one about the lawyers.

How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco? Both of them. Her turn.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? How do you know anything about lesbians? Oh Dad! How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Twenty. One to change the tight bulb and 19 to talk about how much better it is than with a man ...

SHE tries a diversionary tactic to relieve the shock. How many Einsteins does it take to screw in a light bulb? Dunno. That depends on the changer and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa. Or it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

Wha?

My turn.

How many St Andrews (school) girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just hold the bulb and wait for the world to revolve around them.

She acknowledges this isn't bad it fits some of her friends exactly.

How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb? What do you mean change it? We have had that bulb for a 1,000 years and there's no need to change it.

How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb. Nine thousand, and its their bulb.

How may Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb. None. They don't need light bulbs they glow in the dark.

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb. It doesn't matter. They don't have electricity any more.

How many civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up. (That was mine.)

How many RTE employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fourteen. One to notice that the bulb has blown. A supervisor to authorise a requisition for a new one. A requisition typist. Four clerks to process the requisition forms. A courier to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department. A purchasing agent to order the bulb. A clerk to forward the purchasing order. Three to resolve industrial relations disputes about demarcations. Oh, and one to screw in the bulb.

That was Emma's. Honest.

HOW many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I've heard it before, she insists it's how many can you afford. No. Let's start again. No no, she interrupts again, you've told it before. It is. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb but if you want a lawyer to screw a light bulb ..

No, I'd forgotten that one. But let me try once more on my own. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I, a lawyer, aged 18 years and upwards, make oath and say as follows

1. I make this affidavit from my own knowledge, save where otherwise appears and where so appears I believe same to be true.

2. I beg to refer to the agreement concluded between the party of the first part, myself and the party of the second part, the light bulb, which marked with the letter "A" I have signed my `signature prior to the swearing hereof.

3. I beg to refer to such agreement which states. "Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter known as `Lawyer' and the party of the second part, hereinafter known as `Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party to the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the hallway, terminating at an area immediately inside the primary living area, demarcated by the `beginning of the carpet, any slip over illuminated being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but shall not be limited to, the following steps.

A. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, table, ladder or accumulation of crushed clients or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate that party of the second part in a clockwise direction.

B. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes separated from the party of the third part, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with the by laws of the City of Dublin.

C. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the third part (new light bulb). This procedure shall be undertaken in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedure described in clause one herein, save that the exercise of rotation shall be anti clockwise in this second operation.

D. The above described procedures may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all persons authorised by the party of the first part, provided that such substitution shall maximise the fees chargeable by the party of the first part.

AND I PRAY THIS HONOURABLE COURT FOR AN ORDER

(i) restraining the party of the third part from the lighting, elucidation and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the hallway, terminating at an area immediately inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet until the party of the second part arrange for the discharge of the fees

(ii)Further or other order.

(iii) The costs of the proceedings.

Hasn't worked, she said. I still want to be a lawyer. And, by the way, Dad, you forgot the jurat.