Moonwalking Jacksonmen wanna be startin' somethin'

NEWTON'S OPTIC:THOUSANDS OF men in Northern Ireland will pay tribute to Michael Jackson next week by donning white gloves and moonwalking.

Although it has only been in existence since last Thursday, the Michael Jackson Memorial Order already has a number of traditions which qualify as “historic” under section 75 of the Fairness Act.

Members must be technically male, have a good sense of rhythm but declining cross-over appeal, and see things in black and white while reserving the right to change black into white. Mostly, however, they must like teenage boys.

Historically, since last Thursday, the issue of teenage boys has been problematic for those broadly supportive of the Jackson tradition.

Jacksonmen do hang around with chimps and other sub-humans, but teenage boys are clearly their preferred company. No Jackson Order moonwalk is complete without numerous youths in colourful toy-soldier uniforms marching along behind in pied-piper fashion. Jacksonmen also rely heavily on teenage boys when they wanna be startin’ somethin’.

Dr Grant Hunt of Belfast University is an expert on the Jackson Order.

“This preference for teenage boys is usually blamed on violence in the Jacksonmen’s past. They never had a chance to grow up normally, so now they are

trying to reclaim their lost adolescence.

“It’s complete nonsense, of course,” he added. “They’re obviously just a bunch of perverts.”

Dr Hunt has since been detained under section 75 of the Fairness Act.

The Order and its adolescent friends will honour Michael Jackson with a variety of events, each celebrating a different aspect of his life, but all ending with copious drug

consumption.

Anyone still capable of moonwalking the next day will proceed to Scarva for the annual Sham Marriage.

Despite causing much public unease and hilarity, some of these activities do qualify as “cultural” under section 4 of the Draft Bill of Rights (“The cultural right of everyone to cavort with teenage boys shall be respected.”)

Recognised activities include moustache growing, baton twirling, flute playing and toasting various queens.

A review of shirtless drinking is currently in committee.

Insp Bill Mason is the PSNI’s community liaison support awareness officer for Jackson Order affairs.

“The aim of community liaison support awareness with the Jacksonmen is to transform their public image from pathetic and disgusting to inclusive and family-friendly, perhaps even leading to a ‘Jacksonfest’ event that everyone can enjoy.

“It’s complete nonsense, of course,” he added. “They’re obviously just a bunch of perverts.”

Insp Mason has since been detained under section 4 of the Draft Bill of Rights.

Jacksonmen themselves are increasingly frustrated by what they see as the intolerance of others.

Billy-Jean Notmylover is the Jackson Order’s Grand Wizard of Oz.

“We’re hardly the first people around here to use teenage boys for our own ends,” he said.

“I suspect that a lot of this criticism is because we’re black, or white, yeah yeah yeah. We just want to get into bed with impressionable youths without admitting guilt or accepting responsibility.”

It is possible that this could be justified under Standing Order 12 of the Equality Commission (“Everything everyone does is equally valid.”)

But it’s complete nonsense, of course. They’re all just a bunch of . . .

Newton Emerson has been detained under Standing Order 12 of the Equality Commission