Sir, – It’s not an easy decision to admit to yourself that you need to see a suicide bereavement counsellor.
It is, after all, a stranger with whom you will discuss a pain so deep that you cannot fathom it or talk about it to your closest family. It is terrifying.
That’s how I felt when I walked through the doors of Console for the first time. Terrified, vulnerable and in pain. Pain so deep that I thought I might never be able to breathe again if I spoke about it. I believed I might actually suffocate with the incomprehensible weight of it all. My therapist stood on the other side of the door; pleasant, appropriately so, and professional. I so desperately wanted to chat about anything other than what we both knew I was there to do – to bare my soul.
I’m not going to lie; that first session was particularly horrendous. It was draining.
But it was also liberating. The “wave” of grief and pain, as my therapist accurately described it, was going to hit anyway. This way, there was someone who would listen and control the flow. Because it can become too much sometimes. Someone needs to tell you to breathe, to take a moment, to take several.
My therapist understood it all; the disbelief, the shock, the incessant “what ifs”, the recounting of your last conversation or meeting with your loved one, the search for signs, the anger that someone might have known he or she was in trouble and did not divulge it. She got it. She got it all.
Because these people are not just fully qualified and experienced suicide bereavement counsellors. I really believe they are special human beings.
People who give themselves and work around schedules to accommodate you, to accommodate the anniversaries, the coroner’s inquest, the first birthday, the first Christmas.
And she got the need to maintain composure and put the wall back up in order to function in the real world.
She had a policy for women too. She would not let me leave with eyeliner smeared all over my face. She got that too.
I want to say to anyone who will listen, that whatever comes from the numerous investigations into revelations that have been brought into the public forum, it needs to be a wake-up call once and for all. Because light regulation and misappropriation of well-intentioned donations make the people on the ground cynical and bitter.
It makes those who need this service deeply sad and angry that Console, the place that has helped to keep families functioning and contributing to our society amid unimaginable torment, has been dragged through the mud.
It makes those who try to counsel those bereaved in this most awful of ways feel betrayed and humiliated to be associated with any form of misconduct. Not to mention the uncertainty.
The last thing a person who is going through this awful plight needs to face is more uncertainty and the worry of whether help is still available. Help needs to be available.
So I would say to anyone in my family’s shoes who is going through this hell, seek support.
Sod the culprits in this shambolic situation. We do not have the energy for this fight. Our plight is trying to move on from the loss of our loved ones. Let those responsible for failing to prevent this mess now clean it up.– Yours, etc,
LYNDA KENNEDY,
Dublin 15.
Sir, – It has been suggested that charities should publish research to prove the value of their work.
Superficially this is an attractive idea but research is meaningless unless properly designed and carried out. This is both difficult and expensive. Charities are service providers and do not have the necessary expertise or funding for quality research; that is what universities are for.
Some 20 years ago all charities were asked by Government to value their services according to particular guidelines and it turned out that the value to cost ratio was around 15 to one, due to the high input of volunteer hours.
The issue is not whether charities provide value for money but how to prevent greedy or dishonest people getting in control of charitable funds.
A simple way of doing this would be to require auditors to take on a forensic responsibility and report to the charity regulator any questionable activity, such as lack of co-operation. – Yours, etc,
Dr PATRICK DAVEY,
Shankill,
Dublin 18.