An Irishwomans Diary

Now that the rainy season has returned, it's time to examine the protocol regarding umbrella use. Being in possession of an umbrella in a public place carries onerous responsibilities, but you would never think so when you see the cavalier behaviour of some folk.

The etiquette regarding umbrella use has always been unspoken. Most people choose to gently incline their umbrellas to the opposite side when meeting another pedestrian on a narrow footpath. Others opt to raise them above head height. This, of course, works only if you are tall. Otherwise, you could need surgical assistance to remove your umbrella-tip from the lip of an unfortunate passer-by.

"Corporate umbrella"

Sadly, the introduction of the "corporate umbrella" has made both methods completely unfeasible. These vast canopies - which could easily house a small wedding party - are taking over narrow footpaths all over Ireland.

On seeing one of these monstrosities bearing down on you, you may decide to risk life and limb by side-stepping into the path of traffic. The other option is to stand your ground and risk having your eye poked out by a mobile advertisement. A most undignified way to go, I'm sure you'll agree.

My completely unscientific survey has found that men are the greatest culprits when it comes to corporate umbrellas. They appear to believe that umbrella size is directly linked to manliness. Hence the gigantic canvases that could double as a tent for Duffy's Circus. And this is why you never see a man proudly carrying a neat pink polka-dot dome-shaped umbrella down Grafton Street.

Apart from the sheer awkwardness of corporate umbrellas, the logic behind them is fatally flawed. The advertising logo is visible only when the umbrella is open. But when the rain and wind are beating you down the street, surely you are at your least susceptible to the lure of advertising. Have you ever spotted a logo on an umbrella in front of you and said, for instance, "Yes, I must wander around the shops in search of that sparkling beverage, instead of rushing home to my cosy armchair"? I thought not.

The introduction of the corporate umbrella is forcing us to turn our polite, unspoken etiquette into written rules regarding umbrella usage in congested areas. As a founding member of Citizens Against Corporate Umbrella-Using Pedestrians (CACUUP), I propose these draft regulations.

Firstly, corporate monstrosities should be banned in cities, towns and built-up areas. Random spot-checks by gardai at town boundaries would ensure that this law was being observed. Anyone caught with a corporate umbrella should have it confiscated and be forced to wear one of those plastic see-through raincoats for a month of rainy days.

Test of skill

Secondly, umbrella users should have to pass a brief test of skill before using their brollies in public. The test should be carried out on a mock narrow city street where the learner would encounter the following: a big man with a small dog; a woman carrying a monstrous bunch of flowers; a group of teenagers who don't understand the concept of walking in single file; and a woman pushing a double buggy, with three crying children in tow. In a marvellous spinoff, these mini-dramas would provide cameo roles for resting actors. Already, I can see Brendan Gleeson auditioning for the role of the big man with the small Pekinese.

Successfully negotiating these obstacles would win a licence for the happy learner. The licence, of course, would have to be updated annually, just in case a successor to the corporate umbrella managed sneakily to gain a foothold in the market.

Novices panic

Such a thorough test should reduce the number of accidents caused by inexperienced umbrella users. These novices often panic when they see a pedestrian approaching and drop the umbrella to one side. This risks the disembowelment of an innocent passerby, courtesy of the umbrella handle.

Finally, only people over 5 feet 9 inches tall should be licensed to lift their umbrellas when meeting other pedestrians. All others should adopt the "gentle incline to one side" method. If our gardai spent less time aimlessly chasing criminals and more time enforcing these sensible laws, our footpaths would truly be safer places.