An Irishman's Diary

WHAT with the impending revolution and all, the decision by the Office of Public Works (see Motors, yesterday) to outsource the overflow parking operation at Leinster House seems very sensible. Even aside from cost issues, the earlier plan to build a two-storey underground car park for use by civil servants suddenly looks reckless.

I’m a former civil servant myself, having resigned many years ago when the guilt over how much I was costing hard-pressed taxpayers became crippling. But I can still put myself in my former colleagues’ position; and I know the mood among them now must be ugly.

That’s why, to me, the prospect of adding underground access to the houses of parliament anytime soon suggests two words: “Guy” and “Fawkes”. For the same reason, I think it’s wise that – ostensibly on cost grounds – the Minister responsible for the OPW is also refusing to carry out necessary strengthening work on the top floor of Leinster House, which has been empty of late “for safety reasons”.

Right enough, I trod those creaky old floorboards – the top storey is where the pol corrs’ room used to be – many times while reporting the Dáil, and I never knew the moment when I might go crashing through a weak spot in the ceiling below, and perhaps accidentally assassinate a cabal of backbench TDs plotting in the corridors.

Traditionally, security at Leinster House has concentrated on the horizontal plane: ie, the front and back gates. But given how high tensions are running over the pension levy, it may now be advisable to create a cordon sanitaire above and under the working floors of the house. You could call them “buffer zones”, if you like (although, God knows, there would still be no shortage of buffers in between).

As for the overflow parking, I suggest the OPW should look at the low-cost option of putting the cars outside city centre Garda stations.

Another row of vehicles would hardly be noticed. And the chances of any of them being clamped would be sporting at worst.

Either way, we can at last look forward to the liberation of Leinster Lawn – Dublin 2’s “fourth green field” – from its long period of occupation by the forces of motoring. And assuming the tarmac is lifted by 2011, which is a generous timetable, I have a modest suggestion.

That year will mark the centenary of the great Brian O’Nolan, a long-time civil servant (in the “Department of Yokel Government”, as he called it) who, in his parallel career in journalism, enjoyed nothing better than making fun of his political masters.

By erecting a statue of O’Nolan’s most famous creation – Myles na Gopaleen – in the middle of Leinster Lawn, the Government would prove it can take a joke. Better still, as the grass around Myles bloomed again, they could rename it in honour of his famous column: “Cruiskeen Lawn”. It’s so neat, it has to happen.

FAR BE it from me to quibble about front-page newspaper ads. In these difficult times for journalism, when none of us knows where our next meal will come from, they’re a source of great comfort. Even so, I can’t help worrying that the one in the bottom corner of Page 1 yesterday – featuring a picture of Ronan O’Gara, accompanied by the slogan “kick tired skin into touch” and urging men to use L’Oréal moisturiser – is an example of where this country went wrong.

As a man, I accept the ad’s basic premise: “You’re worth it”. No arguments there. And neither am I one of those types who allow themselves to be held prisoner by outmoded notions of masculinity. I keep in regular touch with my feminine side (through the solicitors). I do Pilates twice a week.

But really: in a country where even summers are wet, never mind winters, do men need moisturiser? Consider yesterday’s conditions alone: widespread flooding due to overnight rain and snow; rescue workers having to use skis to reach trapped vehicles in the Wicklow mountains; yet another “band of precipitation” about to sweep the country. Is it not a product to demoisturise that Irish men need?

The other disturbing thing about the ad is the involvement of our rugby team. It seems to me that for Irish players to be fretting about whether their skin is tired or sensitive is not the best frame of mind to be carrying into a Six Nations opener. Especially against the French, a team including the “caveman”, Sebastian Chabal, whose solution to every potential skin problem is to grow hair on it.

None of this should be construed as a criticism of our sponsors. On the contrary: I urge people to buy the advertised product, whether they need it or not. Yours are not the only skins on the line here, readers.

In fact, on reflection, my biggest concern about the ad is its implication that Ronan O’Gara uses “non-greasy” moisturiser. Given his importance to the team, and the tendency of opponents to target him for rough treatment, this is surely giving the French an undue advantage.

Maybe “non-greasy” is the only version L’Oréal does. But it can’t be beyond its laboratory to devise an “ultra-greasy” version between now and Saturday, and have the whole team dipped in it just before the game.