There have recently been churlish and begrudging remarks about certain cheques. Let me be frank (you can be bing). This is a matter easy of explanation. Firstly, the sum of £20,000 which the Hibernian Temporary Building Society made out in the name of the Mother Theresa Orphanage for Leprous and Palsied Infants in the late 1980s and which found its way into a bank account in my name in the Seychelles.
Let me state quite clearly. I have long taken a vigorous interest in the Mother Theresa Orphanage for Leprous & Palsied Infants, and personally organised several cash collections for it outside churches in my constituency, the proceeds of which I handled with the utmost probity. I am proud to say that it was Mother Theresa's express wish that I should regard these monies as contributions from the orphanage towards my political costs. The orphans themselves were most eager this should be so. Even in faraway Calcutta, the interests of this great political party of ours are close to their dear and dusky little hearts.
Coin-box call
The late Mother Theresa, RIP, told me this personally. It is true that this was in the course of a telephone conversation to which there is no other witness. It is also true that I made the phone-call from a coin-box in the centre of Dublin, which of course explains why there is no record of it either in Dail Eireann or from my own home. I used a coinbox because my conscience forbade me from making such a call at public expense. I am aware that Telecom insists that there is no record of any call from any kiosk in Dublin to Calcutta during the year in question, 1984. This is because, at Mother Theresa's insistence, I simply reversed the charges. She was most anxious I should not incur further expenses in my extensive voluntary work for her orphanage. The orphans agreed, the little brown mites.
"You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours," was the way she put it. A rather neat expression, don't you think? In my position of influence, I was able to assist her orphanage in many subtle ways, and she was happy to defray some of my numerous political costs.
When I - at her specific request - opened up a general fund for Mother Theresa in Ireland, donors such as the Hibernian Temporary Building Society would naturally lodge contributions through me.
I was merely a conduit to India; and as you may observe from a map, the Seychelles are halfway to India. The allegation that I personally have been benefiting from the account for the 15 years of its existence is simply preposterous. I have merely defrayed my personal expenses while in the Seychelles supervising the account itself. How could I discharge such duties from Ireland? Did I not have to check personally on how the account was faring? Would you have me be the equivalent of the absentee landlord who brought so much misery to Ireland? Is this what the revisionist school has reduced us to? Not merely kow-towing yet again to the Brits, but praising absentee landlords too! What next? The oath of allegiance? Rejoining the Commonwealth? Never! Erin go Bragh! Up the Republic!
Countersigned cheques
Now, having cleared that little matter up to everyone's satisfaction, let me consider the Tots of Chernobyl Fund, which I myself founded. It has been alleged that cheques made out to that fund were countersigned by me and then placed in the aviation company owned by family members. So what? Are we to deny the tiny tots of the Ukraine access to helicopters? Is this what our Brit-loving moral zealots want, that these poor, scalded unfortunates are not to enjoy the miracles of modern technology? Would you have them crawl to hospital on their hands and knees? Does not remind you of those cruel British landlords during the Famine? Remember the Black and Tans! How can we think of those wretched children without remembering the men of 1916, and the cruel fate they suffered?
It is true that Hibernian Helicopters has not yet been able to assist in the Ukraine. This is due to operational reasons, which we regret. But we take the long-term view in such matters. Is there something wrong with taking the long-term view? Is short-termism not one of our besetting vices which I have striven throughout my career to overcome?
Namby-pamby criticism
Here I am, preparing for the future by ensuring that Hibernian Helicopters is a lean, keen fit aviation outfit, ready to rush to the aid to the wee babes of Chernobyl or even Calcutta at the drop of a donation to my election expenses, and all I get is namby-pamby criticism. What next? The RIC back? Evictions? Aye, and followed by pitch-cappings! You won't be happy until the Penal Laws are revived, and our beloved holy priests are hunted from Mass rock to Mass rock!
Was it for this that died the sons of Oisin? Was it for this that. . .
What? What happened to the gold dagger and diamond necklace given me by Crown Prince Abdullah Aswas Andstillis? A simple matter. It forms part of the Mother Theresa Chernobyl Hibernian Helicopter Bursary, of which I am treasurer and chief executive. But enough of these trifling matters. Let us get to serious stuff! What about MI5's plot to discredit the most honourable man in Irish life? And most of all: What about Maggie Thatcher's teapot?