Perhaps it is time to step back and look at the positive aspects of the arrival of Mother Bernadette Mary in our midst. There are certain grounds for the Catholic Church to rejoice, to be sure: her ordination at a stroke just about doubled the number of priests entering the ministry this year - and who knows, perhaps she will be the last priest to be ordained in Ireland in this millennium. It's more than possible that in time she might go all the way and emulate her namesake and become a saint. Judging from the Treasury of Women Saints, by Ronda De Sola Chervin, the canonised and beatified of the Catholic Church tend to be drawn from the ranks of the sinners-saved rather than the already-virtuous.
Deranged behaviour
Take Blessed Eustochium of Padua, the daughter of a nun who found the vow of celibacy a pubic ridge too far. She was baptised Lucrezia and was raised in the convent. Her moods varied from the enchanting to the diabolical; she became violent and abusive and frequently hurt herself, during which times she would be tied to a pillar. Her behaviour was so deranged that people thought she was a witch and decided to burn her. Sinead is probably acquainted with the sensation. But Lucrezia was saved by a bishop and then devoted her life to good works. When she died at the age of 26, the name Jesus was found imprinted on her breast. Her grave emitted a beautiful fragrance. Not surprisingly, the assistance of Blessed Eustochium is recruited in times of mental illness.
But of course, the mentally ill are not the only ones who have a minder. St Lydwine of Schiedam broke a rib while skating. This caused an incurable abscess that was so painful she could not sit, lie or stand without enormous pain. Soon she could only crawl. Then she was unable to leave her bed at all, as her condition worsened to include gangrene, ulcers, neuritis, pounding noises in the head, toothache and blindness. Instead of letting her die, we are told, God hit on the interesting idea of turning her into a victim-soul, and so she lived in this condition for 38 years, during the last of which she neither ate nor slept. But she did smell sweet, and despite her numerous infirmities, mastered the difficult arts of bilocationism. She is, of course, the patron saint of skating.
Many lady saints were blessed with sweet smells. Not poor St Rita of Cascia, whose arrival in this world was greeted with the presence of a large stingless bee with a strange hum, which reappears annually on her feast day. Rita was so worried about her sons' desire for vengeance for their father's murder that she prayed for their early death. This pious wish was granted. Then God gave her a stigma in the shape of a thorn through her head, which caused her to stench abominably and resulted in an infestation of worms, obliging her to remain forever in her cell until her death. She is the patron saint of impossible and desperate cases, which I well believe, though not of motherhood. Quite.
Troublesome sons
It does seem to be a common cross of women saints to have troublesome sons. Take Clotilda, widow of Clovis, King of the Franks. Her sons took to bumping off her grandchildren, whom she then had to bury. Her daughter married an Arian heretic who proceeded to batter the girl to death. Poor Clotilda. She is the patron saint of violent children.
The non-violent ones may look to Agnes as their common or garden protector. Agnes was thrown into a brothel because she refused to renounce her Christianity - not yet in favour in third-century Rome - where she was stripped naked by lusty young men, but her long hair miraculously covered her nudity. A suitor tried to approach her to gaze at her nakedness and was struck blind. When pagan Romans tried to burn her as a witch, the fire reached for them instead. So they killed her with a sword instead.
Agnes was a solitary saint and martyr. Gorgonia came from a veritable dynasty of saints. Her ma was St Nonna and her da was St Gregory Nazianzus. Her brother was St Gregory Nazienzen, and the other brother was St Caesarius. Talk about high-flying families - what else could the poor girl do but become a saint? She largely became a saint in much the way a Kennedy became a Kennedy - she was born into the right family. She didn't do anything in particular, but it would have been hard on the girl not to have canonised her when her entire family was being sanctified.
Mother Bernadette Mary is, we hear, contemplating three years' celibacy. Hmmm. That doesn't sound like celibacy so much as temporary abstinence. No matter. She might try to call on Blessed Angela of Foligno, who, though isolated in her cell, was given to uttering loud cries of joy. These were attributed to her religious devotion. St Mary of Egypt had a spectacular career before being saved. "When I was twelve, I renounced my parents and destroyed my virginity . . . I gave myself up to lust."
After 17 years of chasing men, she saw the light and went off to the desert to do penance. That's the good news. The bad news is that for the first 17 years, she lusted after meat and fish, for water and for wine, and, oh dear me, sex. Seventeen years. A long time.
Spiritual aridity
Does St Mary Magdalen of Pazzi hold out much hope? Nope. The same old stuff of raptures followed by spiritual aridity. "This emptiness was accompanied by violent temptations of gluttony and sensuality," observed her biographer sadly. Towards the end of her life she was tormented by headaches and paralysis.
Listen, I think we'll skip any more references to the consequences of celibacy. It's a bit soon to be putting the poor thing off. However, Blessed Isabella of France does show us the consolations of departing this life. She died at the age of 45, on her deathbed repeatedly experiencing what are called "ecstasies" at the thought of her approaching heavenly reward. Game girl.
Still, these are early days to be talking about canonisation. We just shouldn't be ruling it out, that's all. You never can tell . . .