Newton's Optic:Foiled again! Newton Emerson'sdiary of a Belfast jihadi's dastardly disasters.
January 5th
There has been a change of plan. I was supposed to use my aeronautical engineering degree from Queen's to get a job with Airbus.
Once there, I would rewire a plane to explode when three volunteer martyrs in seats B5, D7 and F9 pressed their "Summon Stewardess" buttons simultaneously. But we overlooked one small detail. Nobody with a Queen's engineering degree ever gets a job.
January 6th
The failure of our initial plan has upset me quite badly. Why did I waste three years in this infidel backwater? It doesn't even have an Ikea. Tonight I walked through town to restore my faith in the cause. No man can see the hen parties in Shaftsbury Square without realising that Western civilisation is doomed.
February 12th
The Base has arranged a new plan. I will work with my jihadi brothers in England to construct two highly sophisticated bombs using patio gas cylinders, mobile phones and double-sided sticky tape. Death by patio gas cylinder will truly symbolise the foolish decadence of the West. Also, they are on special offer at B&Q. Operation Garden Centre of Paradise is a go!
February 18th
Another setback. My PhD thesis, "Ignition of Patio Gas Cylinders by Mobile Phones (An Equality Impact Assessment)", has been turned down. But this merely strengthens my commitment to martyrdom. No man can live with a shame of having only a master's from Queen's.
March 5th
Some good news at last. I have been offered a post as a research assistant in the department of aeronautical engineering, where I can continue my work in secret by examining the impact of exploding patio gas cylinders on a small number of wingnuts.
April 23rd
The research is not going well. I have informed The Base that it is impossible to detonate a patio gas cylinder with a mobile phone but they will not listen.
"Of course you will have no trouble making explosions," they said. "Are you not from Bangalore?"
May 15th
I have been selected for the back-up plan. The Base wants me to ram a car into Glasgow airport, causing an enormous explosion. I explained that cars don't explode after minor collisions but they refused to believe me. Osama has clearly been watching Hollywood DVDs in the cave again. Will this western cultural imperialism never end?
June 29th
Something has gone wrong with the patio gas cylinder bombs. Why is Islam cursed by fossil fuels? The back-up plan has now been activated. I leave for Glasgow tomorrow disguised as an ordinary bagpipe player on the Ulster-Scots Agency's "100 Per Cent Burns" bus tour. It is so hard to say goodbye to your friends and all the people that you love when you don't have any friends and you hate everyone.
July 1st
Inshallah, this will be my final entry. I am onboard a Scottish ferry which has been named after a woman, although it is allowed out onto the open sea without an accompanying ferry named after a male relative. Even the western ferries are whores! But my faith is not tested, for all around me are Celtic supporters. Who can see such people and deny that our cause is just?