Stormont goes green for 10 minutes in midsummer pantomime

After 77 years of unionist rule and direct rule, nationalists finally had their day

After 77 years of unionist rule and direct rule, nationalists finally had their day. A Sinn Fein-SDLP executive was set up and there wasn't a unionist minister in sight.

But Stormont wasn't green for long. The new ministers never got to open a school, close a hospital, or plan a budget. In fact, they had only 10 minutes to smell power before they were stood down by the British government because there were no unionists in their ranks.

It was midsummer madness yesterday. The Assembly resembled a pantomime more than a parliament. The presiding officer, Lord Alderdice, sat at the top of the chamber with his bowls of mints, bottles of mineral water and a hefty tome entitled Parliamentary Practice.

He called on David Trimble to nominate someone from his party to the new executive. The pro-agreement parties looked around anxiously. Mr Trimble wasn't there. He was in Glengall Street and the word was he wasn't coming to Stormont. "He has gone away you know," quipped the DUP's Sammy Wilson.

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The DUP and the UK Unionists refused to nominate ministers as did Alliance whose members "weren't prepared to be patsies". So it fell to the SDLP and Sinn Fein to fill all the positions.

Mark Durkan was appointed finance minister. Bairbre de Brun, secured enterprise, trade and investment. "Next patsy please", shouted the DUP. Sean Farren got regional development. Brid Rodgers got higher and further education, training and employment.

Martin McGuinness became agriculture minister - there were roars of DUP laughter at that. The nominees all read a pledge of office and received applause, cheers and handshakes from colleagues. Knowing the executive's imminent fate, the DUP was almost rolling in the aisles.

"Cheerio! Cheerio! Cheerio!", "Your P45 is on its way" and "No ministerial merc today!" was shouted after each appointment. David Ervine had his head in his hands. Monica McWilliams seemed ready to cry.

Eddie McGrady was nominated by John Hume as health minister. He declined to accept. The SDLP benches looked as if they had been hit by a cruise missile.

If the UUP had attended, the SDLP would have been restricted to three ministers and, according to informed sources, Eddie wouldn't have been one of them.

So he wasn't willing to join in the charade. "Eddie's no patsy," shouted the DUP. A shellshocked Mr Hume then nominated Dr Joe Hendron. "Do you want it Joe, now you're second best?" asked the DUP. Dr Hendron accepted.

After the Sinn Fein-SDLP executive was appointed, it was promptly dissolved. A highly emotional Seamus Mallon then announced his resignation as deputy first minister. Paying tribute to him, Monica McWilliams said that in recent times his face had grown as white as his hair.

David Ervine said British government ministers would now have even less hair than himself. They would have pulled it all out in exasperation at Northern Ireland.

Sinn Fein and the DUP disputed who would speak first. With a hint of mischief in his eye, Gerry Adams offered to "give way" to the Rev Ian Paisley. But the DUP wouldn't speak on "the grace and favour" of Sinn Fein.

Mr Adams, in his best patronising voice, said he was certain that as a husband, father and grandfather, Dr Paisley was "charming, affectionate and funny". But as a political leader he was "a disgrace". Dr Paisley thought Mr Adams vain and duplicitous.

He portrayed him looking in the mirror after he had washed his beard every morning, trying to decide whether he was representing Sinn Fein or the Provisional IRA that day.

Unionists shouted at Sinn Fein about Enniskillen, La Mon and the Shankill. Sinn Fein responded with Bloody Sunday. United Unionist Frazer Agnew said he wouldn't share power with "psychiatric serial killers".

Alliance's Sean Neeson said the children of anti-agreement politicians would lose out, as would all children, if the deal fell. "I can speak for my children," said the DUP's the Rev Willie McCrea. "And they will be delighted. They all voted No."

David Ervine worried about future generations. UK Unionist Bob McCartney said he would take no lessons from someone who "strings a collection of soundbites together with the perfection of a trained marionette".

After three hours of farce and fighting, Lord Alderdice announced the suspension of the Assembly. It was undoubtedly a DUP victory and Dr Paisley made the most of it.

"This is a good day for Northern Ireland," he thundered. "Democracy is not dead. It's alive and kicking. There are no IRA men in government. Long live Ulster!" The DUP marched out in triumph and Stormont basked comfortably in its familiar shade of orange.