'Recovering actress' McLynn gives the sacred cows a roasting

It was MC Pauline McLynn's night, and soon there wasn't a sacred cow (or bull) left unscathed. Describing herself as "a recovering actress", she said the cry "the director made me do it" was just a step away from "I was only following orders".

She thanked the Luas for its unexpected contributions to Abbey Theatre productions following its arrival in mid-2004. It now gives "a whole new physical dimension" to Abbey plays, she observed.

Ms McLynn instanced such examples as "... for I've lost him surely..." (ding, ding) "...the only playboy of the western world".

Referring to an earlier production last year of The Shaughraun, still running at the Abbey, Ms McLynn said the dog that took one of the leading parts in the play had gone for a walk with one of the male cast one day and "like many a poor bitch before her, was found slumped in the Flowing Tide [the pub across the road from the Abbey]". And like many a similar actress, she had lost the job, said Ms McLynn.

She suggested the GPO as a likely location for the new Abbey, if only because through selling stamps there it might be possible to raise enough money to afford a haircut for new Abbey director-designate Mr Fiach Mac Conghail - "the two million dollar baby!", as she described him.

Proving her fairness, she also had a go at the Abbey's outgoing artistic director, Mr Ben Barnes, who she commented was going to Canada "where it's so square even the transvestites are women".

And there was the Gate Theatre - "the little Republic of Michael [Colgan]", where last year they had staged a production she described as Dancing at Lughnasa - The Dark Side. Ms McLynn recalled Michael Colgan describing himself in a newspaper article recently as "a Schubertian", as he left a concert. "Well, that's one word for it," she commented.

Referring to recent Arts Council help for both Garry Hynes' Druid Theatre Company in Galway and her brother Jerome Hynes' Wexford Opera Festival, she concluded that this clearly meant that "Hynez meanz beanz".

When it came to the awards proper, she advised nominees on "the rules of engagement". There was to be "no feck-acting around. Be nice!" Thereafter, she practised what she preached, excepting one glitch when she referred to the Best Actress Award as "the traditional kettle of bitch".

At the end, Ms McLynn concluded that the event had been a case of "the national theatre of the East meeting the national theatre of the West", with a sotto voce reference to wicked witches. She ended with a well-received appeal to the Arts Council to spend more on funding productions and far less on bureaucracy.