Recession-proof relationships

The number of people seeking counselling for stress and anxiety is fast increasing, as financial pressure and a sense of helplessness takes its toll on relationships and mental health, writes EDEL MORGAN

THERE ARE people all around us giving Oscar-worthy performances every day, at work, at the school gates, in front of the neighbours. They are pretending everything is fine but behind the scenes life has become a pressure cooker due to money worries, and it is affecting their relationships and mental health.

“Unfortunately a lot of it is hidden,” says counsellor Tony Moore of Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MRCS). “If you see them walking down the street, everything seems fine.” The number of people seeking counselling with MRCS for problems associated with the current economic situation has risen by more than 30 per cent in the past 18 months, says Moore, who gives two-hour counselling sessions at a minimal charge called Minding your Relationships in the Recession.

The uncertainty of life in a recession has left many people feeling powerless and looking for someone to blame – in some cases their spouse or family member. “They are in such a blind panic they can’t see a way out,” says Moore. “This is not helped by the fact it’s Christmas and Ireland has just been bailed out and the Budget things even tougher. The bills are pouring in, which puts them under pressure and can lead to anger and depression. Many haven’t experienced this before and can feel great shame, like they’ve failed.”

Despite the vast numbers affected by wage cuts and job losses, there’s still an atmosphere of secrecy, shame and paranoia surrounding debt in this country. One woman told us how her brother lost his job some months ago but didn’t tell his wife or children “in case they think he’s a loser”. During the day when his family think he’s at work he often wanders the Hill of Howth, occasionally dropping in on her to pass the time. He is managing to cover his tracks for the time being by taking bills from the post box before his wife gets them and paying them out of his social welfare payment.

Entrepreneur Margaret O’Toole from Dublin has had “a nightmare year” which has seen both her parents die and her financial situation become so desperate she had to borrow money from her brother to buy food for her family. When her bank withdrew the overdraft facility for her once-thriving management consultancy business, she had to let three staff go. “The knock-on effect was I lost clients.”

Describing herself as a strong character, she nevertheless felt under siege by the banks to meet hefty minimum repayments on credit card and store card bills and on a car loan. They refused to negotiate with her or lower repayments on any of her unsecured loans. She admits she made some bad decisions along the way, stopping payments on her mortgage for four months to pay off other creditors. She has had two judgment mortgages issued against her house by creditors

In the beginning she hid the extent of her debt from her husband. When she came clean, “he said that it’s my fault that the business got to this”. She hired a debt-management agency to negotiate with the banks on her behalf and says she now realises it’s important not to panic. “I may have judgment mortgages against my house but they don’t mean anything unless I sell it. What’s important is your health and that you can put food on the table.”

Eugene McDarby of debt-management company Money Village Limited says people should prioritise their debts and not cave in to pressure from credit card companies or be too traumatised by solicitors’ letters.

“We come across people who are in serious debt who are worried but can cope and people in relatively minor debt who are suicidal,” says McDarby. “How they perceive debt is the issue. Often the first thing people do is panic, rob Peter to pay Paul, or use their credit card to make repayments.”

Psychotherapist Declan Tarpey says psychiatric hospitals are full of people driven to desperation by debt. “In some cases the core issue is how much of a person’s identity is attached to finance and material things. How a person handles debt and a drop in lifestyle can depend on their expectations. You might have to take your kids out of private school and send them to public school or downgrade your car to a Toyota Corolla, which would be a fine car for some families but for others it’s as if their lives have ended.”

Emma Murphy, a psychotherapist at Sandyford Wellness Centre which also offers low-cost counselling, says her advice to people is to “tell the truth”.

“It might be stating the obvious but maybe the credit card bills haven’t been discussed with their partner or the wage cut,” she says. “There’s a huge unspoken dynamic between couples, and I would say if you are carrying a secret, come clean. You are not helping by not talking. If a man sees himself as the provider and can’t provide, it can be very emasculating and can bring fear and self-doubt and impact on his self esteem.”

She says people are “freaked out” by the constant stream of bad news about the economy and the stratospheric figures being quoted for bail-outs and budget deficits.

“It’s pervasive, it’s hard to avoid, and my advice would be if you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t buy a paper and don’t watch the Nine O’Clock news,” says Murphy. “Go to Mabs or sit down with someone who is good with money in the family. Face the problem, take control. People sometimes put off doing something because they think they will get another job or win the Lotto. They think it’s somehow magically going to go back to the way it was but it won’t. Forget about keeping up appearances; you’ve got to be honest with everyone. Christmas shouldn’t be another burden.”

She says rather than turn on each other, it’s more constructive that couples pull together and vow to take on the world, but for some it’s too late. She knows a couple who are stuck in their own private hell because their home is in negative equity leaving them no prospect of splitting up. “There’s no physical violence but screaming, roaring and shouting. His work dried up, she works in the civil service and has had pay cuts. There’s tension and hatred in the house; it’s dreadful for the children.”

Murphy recently ran a free information evening about anxiety, depression and panic attacks and 35 people showed up “on a filthy Thursday night. We never had that number before. It’s an indication that these problems are off the scale.”

Michael Groves, from Bray, Co Wicklow, who helps run a support group for people suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, says it is full of people who have been let go from their job. He has been a carpenter since his teens and says 18 months ago the phone stopped ringing. Being self-employed, he wasn’t entitled to unemployment benefit or jobseekers’ allowance and wasn’t eligible to register with Fás.

“I’m in limbo. Jobs are being advertised but I can’t apply for them and at 55 I can’t wait for trade to pick up.”

He says the loss of income was a real shock because he always assumed the work would be there. “I used to be Michael Groves the carpenter, and the last 18 months have been about finding out who I am as a person.”