Stable doors shut for Biffo's 'timely' inquiry

DÁIL SKETCH:AS LEADER of the Government's elite Rapid Response Snore, Brian Cowen moved with his trademark lightning sluggishness when the banking crisis hit.

Pausing only to remain anonymous for as long as he could get away with it, Biffo finally mobilised his crack Emergency Reaction Pundits. They fanned out across the airwaves with military precision and soon, the chilling rat-a-tat of ministerial waffle rang out across the land.

“The Lehman Brothers done it.” “Victims of global financial downturn.” “We all got carried away.” “Stability in the banking system is critical.” “The media is undermining confidence in the market.” And so on.

The problem came to light in September of 2008, just two weeks after America suffered a similar banking fate.

However, while the US authorities acted swiftly to investigate the disaster and went after the bigwigs behind it, nothing much happened here.

As Fine Gael’s Michael Noonan observed in the Dáil yesterday, more than 40 people are now in jail across the Atlantic, their investigation is nearing completion and the banking system is recovering.

“They’re nearly through it and we’re wondering about an inquiry,” snorted Michael.

If Brian Cowen needed a motto for his term in office, he could borrow a slogan from Bulmer’s Cider: Biffo’s Government – Nothing Added But Time.

For while procrastination may be the thief of time, it’s only a white-collar crime in this Government’s book. (Unless somebody kicks up a major rumpus or rings Joe Duffy, they don’t really mind that sort of thing.) But then, most things move at a leisurely pace around Leinster House. The Westminster and Stormont parliaments have been rattling along merrily for ages since the Christmas break; the Dáil finally resumed yesterday.

And the Seanad will drag itself in today. Mind you, it seems half the residents of the Upper Chamber are participating in a television slimming experiment. Accordingly, many Senators are currently experiencing hallucinations as a result of lard deprivation and many are unable to walk any distance without collapsing.

“I’ve lost 4½ pounds” announced a plaintive David Norris. “I’ve a pain in my tummy from the lack of food,” he wailed, racing along the corridor to the members’ restaurant for his lunch.

The canteen put on special low-calorie menu in solidarity. The chickpea salad was particularly nice, although one of the political dieters confessed that he’d never seen a chickpea and was afraid to eat one.

At least all the healthy new year resolutions took minds off the banking crisis, and what sort of inquiry the Government was intending to hold into it. Even some of the diehard smokers were missing from the plinth on the first day back. That’ll change.

But back to Taoiseach Cowen, and his trademark lightning sloth. The Opposition was deeply suspicious of the type of investigation the Government has in mind. Both Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore dismissed the inquiry as a whitewash, designed to take the spotlight off the politicians who stood by while the banking system went down the tubes, rapidly followed by the economy.

It was an attempt to relegate the Dáil to the sidelines, complained Enda Kenny.

Biffo had a stock phrase, which he repeated again and again. The investigation will be “timely and cost effective”.

But you could see that his heart wasn’t really in it. In the distance, we could hear the sound of stable doors shutting.

The wild horses had done their jobs and dragged the Government into announcing an inquiry.

It was Patrick Honohan, new governor of the Central Bank, who pushed them into it before Christmas by calling for an investigation. Otherwise, even the wild horses would have been wasting their time.

His Government is doing “what we’ve been asked [to do] here when the governor first brought up these matters to look into these issues and that’s what we’re going to do”, the Taoiseach told Gilmore, with the utmost bad grace.

The idea of holding an inquiry obviously didn’t even enter his mind, before Patrick Honahan embarrassed him by suggesting it should be done.

But now, it’s full steam ahead. Until, as the Labour leader predicted, the “eminent people” who will initially carry out the investigations come to the Government asking for more time. And with any luck, a general election will intervene before any awkward questions have to be asked.

The Taoiseach glowered.

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan returned to the issue when the Dáil discussed “the banking crisis”. As usual, he made a far better fist of explaining the inquiry that the Government may, or may not, have in mind.

Opposition leaders, before commencing hostilities, wished him well in combating his current health difficulties – he was diagnosed with cancer before Christmas.

Sinn Féin’s Arthur Morgan raised a laugh when he began “before I start attacking him, could I wish the Minister for Finance, and indeed all his family, well at this difficult time”.

It must be said that Brian Lenihan came under strong scrutiny when he appeared in the chamber.

People thought he looked thin. Others said he looked pale. He must have known all eyes were on him when he took his seat, and again, when he rose to speak.

That’s probably going to be the way for the foreseeable future. But he handled himself with his usual aplomb.

As for Cowen, leader of the Government’s Rapid Response Snore, he got more brickbats for the tardy reaction to the big holiday freeze. And so, just to show how on the ball he is, he said he hoped local authorities will move quickly to repair the roads, left in a terrible state after the heavy frost.

Priority should be given to “surface dressing”, he declared.

One area, at least, where his Government has ample experience.