Shaky foundations exposed in Biffo's Nama drama

DÁIL SKETCH:AND FIRST, some good news. We hear Mattie McGrath is a little hoarse. (Or hoss, as he might put it himself.) Laryngitis, apparently. From all the talking. He was due to be interviewed yesterday morning on TV3's Ireland AM, but was unable to participate because he had lost his voice.

Doesn’t God work in mysterious ways? We all need a break.

Happily for the radio producers of Ireland, Mattie gradually recovered as the day went on.

Now back to the depressing stuff.

The two Brians, young Dev and the requisite Green unveiled an interim report on mortgage arrears and personal debt. It recommends, among other things, the introduction of a Mortgage Arrears Resolution Process, henceforth to be known as Marp.

This is to help out families having difficulties keeping up with their payments. It is not for the high rollers of Nama.

But this was a little bit of a good news story for the Taoiseach, and Ministers Lenihan, Ó Cuív and Ryan. (It might be worth noting here that Biffo never appeared anywhere in public yesterday without at least two Ministers riding shotgun. Anyone would think there’s a political contract out on his head.)

It would have been heartening to hear Cowen speaking passionately about the young homeowners who are finding it hard to make ends meet in their negative equity houses. He could have told them the Government is not blind to their problems.

He could have announced that they are adopting the proposals in the report and then outlined the main points in simple terms. Instead, he read a dull script and managed to make the event even more boring than might have been expected.

The quartet stood on the steps of Government Buildings with the media coralled at a safe distance and a vicious wind whipping around the courtyard. The politicians were buffeted and blown during a lacklustre question-and-answer session, shouting to be heard above the gusts and the screeching seagulls.

Then they all beat a hasty retreat because the Taoiseach had to take Leaders’ Questions, where he would further distinguish himself by delivering yet another mind-numbing masterclass in monotony.

For we were back to Nama, which brings out the mind-boggling best in Brian.

Enda Kenny quivered, with relish, that the billions poured into Anglo Irish Bank had “gone down a black hole” never to be seen again.

Whereupon the Taoiseach accused Enda of fuzzy thinking. To go with his own fuzzy talking, presumably.

A touch of Cromwell overcame the Fine Gael leader. “Will you at least take your courage in your hands, as leader of the worst Government in the history of this State, and go to the country and let the people decide what they want!” This man of steel thing has gone to his head.

Cowen, for one, is sick of it. “I’ll try deal with that stream of consciousness as best I can,” sniffed Biffo, sourly.

He had a lot on his plate, not least an imminent parliamentary party meeting at which he would have to justify his existence, again.

“You should go off for the summer and try, with your new finance spokesman, to come up with a policy.”

Meanwhile, Eamon Gilmore declared that Nama had turned into a “financial fairy tale”. Its projections had not been fulfilled. It was supposed to have 40 per cent of performing loans and now that figure was down to 25 per cent. It was going to turn a big profit. Now, we’d be lucky to get anything.

The Taoiseach denied this was the case and he outlined “three scenarios” for Nama. It might make a big profit, a small profit or it might make a loss. Who said that man isn’t smart? The draft plan for Nama is beginning to look like “a daft plan” added Gilmore, overdosing on the soundbites.

Afterwards, Lenihan said the Government knew all along the initial figures would not stand up.

Best of all was the boss of Nama, who said on the news that they were “shocked and surprised” that the banks had been economical with the truth when filling in the agency on the state of their books. Imagine that. The banks lied.

And the lauded innocents who know all about high finance swallowed their guff? Very worrying. Best not to believe a word out of anyone’s mouth on Nama. Just go to the church and light a candle. At least the evening ended on a high note for the Taoiseach. He made a stunning speech to his parliamentary party, we hear. It’s a pity he only seems to sparkle behind closed doors.

Every second TD and Senator seemed to be tweeting from the party rooms. Some said he got a standing ovation when he told his detractors to put up or shut up.

Others said this was because the division bells were ringing and the TDs had to race off to a vote.

That should stop the talk of heaves for a day or two.