Not a snigger to be heard as Coughlan plays it dreary

DÁIL SKETCH:Safety in dullness for a Tánaiste who hasn't covered herself in glory as Taoiseach's stand-in

ABOVE IN Hillsborough, the politics of the elocution class was slowly unfolding at the latest round of Northern Ireland talks: How Now, Brown Cowen? This meant that below in Leinster House, in Biffo’s absence, it fell to Mary Coughlan to take Leaders’ Questions.

Rounding her vowels was the least of Mary’s problems. The Tánaiste hasn’t covered herself in glory during her brief caretaking duties in the Taoiseach’s chair and it was clear yesterday that her objective was to make it to the end of the session without putting her foot in it.

Alas, for female politicians, what they say isn’t all they have to worry about. A stellar performance can be ruined by wardrobe issues. As a rule, Brian Cowen can throw on any old pinstripe and nobody will notice.

But the ladies don’t have it so easy – it is not unknown for a faultless routine in the chamber to end up overshadowed by analysis (preferably with pictures) of a racy hemline or a pair of killer heels or an unusual choice of couture. Our stylish Tánaiste is no stranger to this.

That’s always been the way. Unfair, but there you go.

So yesterday, Mary Coughlan left nothing to chance.

She turned up for duty looking like an extra from The Song of Bernadette, wearing a black pinafore which allowed just enough room at the neck for a sensible glimpse of a pristine white collar. In terms of prim austerity, Mary Hanafin was Gypsy Rose Lee in comparison, and that's saying something.

In keeping with this sartorial statement of intent, Leaders’ Questions with Coughlan turned out to be every bit as dull as the ones presided over with tedious monotony by her boss.

Still, we lived in hope. A rebellious smear of crimson lipstick held out some promise that the Tánaiste might cut loose if the Opposition’s needling became too much.

With Biffo otherwise engaged, the Fianna Fáil backbenchers didn’t bother coming into the chamber to show solidarity with the leader. Why would they? All was well, so they stayed in their offices, safe in the knowledge that the A Team was in charge.

Indeed, it was a sight to make the heart soar and inspire confidence in these days of uncertainty. For running the ship from the front bench were the twin towers of Mary Coughlan and Noel Dempsey.

You’d nearly have been tempted to run out to the nearest stockbroker with your post office savings book in anticipation of a bounce in the market this morning.

And then there were three, when Dermot Ahern scuttled in to add a bit of muscle.

To the Tánaiste’s credit, she got through Leaders’ Questions without raising as much as a snigger from a disappointed press gallery. For heaven’s sake, even with the bad influences of the smirker Dempsey and the heckler Ahern beside her, the Tánaiste remained resolutely dreary. But then, Noel and Dermot were also characteristically unresponsive.

The general torpor of the afternoon seemed to get to Enda Kenny and Eamon Gilmore too. Perhaps they weren’t bothered attacking the second in command, such was the listless nature of their contributions. They merely went through the motions.

The best line of the day came from an observer in the gallery, who whispered wearily as Inda rose a second time to question Mary: “It’s the Clash of the Titans.” Eamon Gilmore echoed the Fine Gael leader’s earlier sentiments when he began by hoping that the talks in Belfast would reach a speedy and successful conclusion. Obviously keen to get Biffo back so normal service could resumed.

That’s not to say the Tánaiste is a slouch when it comes to indulging in Civil Service speak. But even she would have to bow to the boss when it comes to this particular form of verbal Mogadon.

We’re still reeling from Brian Cowen’s statement during a radio interview on Sunday when he declared “the cost to the economy would have been far greater if the counterfactual had been allowed to develop rather than the intervention that we had to make”. If he talks like that up in Hillsborough they’ll reach agreement in jig time so they won’t have to listen to him any longer than necessary.

As for Tánaiste Coughlan, all in all, it was a good, gaffe-free day’s work.

Although, counterfactually speaking, that Mother Mary look won’t last.