No confidence? But there’s no end to his brilliance

Justice is his life. “It is what I do,” murmured Alan.

We don’t deserve him. “When you consider that his whole life has been involved here in dealing with the rights of people, particularly with families and children, it speaks for itself in respect of his judgment,” quivered the Taoiseach.

The most reforming Minister in “certainly over the last one hundred years”, marvelled Enda, so in awe of the awesome Alan that he spent the best part of minutes reading out a list of his achievements to the Dáil.

As Leaders Questions progressed yesterday morning, it quickly became clear that Alan Shatter would have little trouble coping with the no confidence motion tabled against him.

The debate began last evening and it finishes tonight. By the end of round one, Shatter wafted from the chamber trailing clouds of glory. Never, it seems, has one Minister done so much for the people of Ireland in so little time.

If he didn't have a big head before Fianna Fáil moved their motion he'll certainly have one by the time this particular episode is over. His colleagues were gushing in their praise.

Shatter was wrong to use private information against a political opponent during a television interview. It has taken him a long time to properly apologise to Mick Wallace, the man he tried to smear, but he did it last night.

This doesn’t remove the disturbing questions raised by this eye-opening episode concerning the Minister, the Garda Commissioner and the troublesome TD who stepped on their toes.

But Shatter’s indiscretion won’t cost him his job. Nor will the muddled story of what he did or didn’t do when stopped at a Garda checkpoint in Dublin a number of years ago.

He did not blow into a breathalyser, despite, as Enda put it, making “two attempts to blow into the mandatory breath-testing facility”. He may or may not have given lip to the officer who asked him to do so. (No puff, plenty of guff).He was not under the influence of alcohol.

So, as far as the scenario put forward by Mattie McGrath last Friday is concerned, it seems Shatter stands accused of patronising arrogance and overweening self-importance.

So he wasn’t nice to a garda. “Don’t you know who I am?” he is reported in some quarters as having said.

But there is no proof. And it’s hardly a hanging offence.

So yesterday morning we have a bizarre discussion in the Dáil about whether the asthmatic Minister was capable of wheezing into a bag and whether gardaí at the checkpoint were right to wave him on his way when he could not.

"Was his asthma an impediment to a urine sample?" asked Clare Daly.

“He failed twice to fill the breathalyser,” stressed Enda, getting his specimen apparatus slightly mixed up.

There were three senior Ministers sitting with the Taoiseach when he launched into his recitation of the great works of Alan. Ruairí Quinn, Michael Noonan and Pat Rabbitte struggled to keep a straight face as the list of achievements kept coming.

You could see they were wondering if there was any point in them turning up at all – Alan could probably do a better job for them.

It’s an impressive list. Shatter wasn’t there to hear Enda read them out, but no matter. He read them into the record again himself last night.

Was there no end to his brilliance? He has even passed legislation to allow the temporary closing down of mobile phone transmissions where there’s a serious threat of a terrorist bomb.

Across the floor they were getting a bit sick of the Shatter fan club. Timmy Dooley began to sneer.

“Oh, you may laugh about it, Deputy Dooley, but it’s no laughing matter when it happens, believe you me!” chided Enda. “No laughing matter at all.”

At the end of this paean of praise – even Enda was finding it hard to keep a straight face – Junior Minister Dinny McGinley shouted “Match that now!”

And Michael Healy Rae perfectly punctured the Shatter love in.

“He wouldn’t even say ‘hello’ to anyone!” he snorted, to universal laughter.

By the evening most people around Leinster House knew the sting had gone out of the Shatter story. But Fianna Fáil had to come in and argue its case. It fell to Niall Collins to do it. He stressed that he was not making a personal attack on the Minister. "This isn't personally-driven."

Shatter removed his glasses and laughed.

Collins repeated the same Fianna Fáil speech on the issue that has been made on numerous occasions since last week. “Series of strategic errors...fatally compromised credibility...damning list of failures...missed opportunities.”

In the course of this predictable catalogue of cliché, Shatter twiddled his pen, sat back and peered over the top of his glasses at him, smiling a knowing smile.

Collins spoke of his "toxic" relationship with an Garda Síochána. "De tin blue line is stretched even tinner," he declared.

All the while Shatter looked on serenely, eyebrows peaked in utter disdain at the Opposition.

Éamon Ó Cuív told him the rural people were disgusted by his behaviour. “I’ve always wanted to be introduced to rural Ireland by someone from Dublin 4,” whooped Pat Rabbitte.

Then Alan rose to have his say. It began in the time-honoured tradition of this Government. When he was appointed to government “this country was on its knees”. Now, thanks to the Coalition and, in particular, to his own great work, this country is now on its arse and by the time the next budget is over we should be, with any luck, up to our oxters.

He gave a credible account of what happened at the checkpoint.

“Whilst I can be accused of being a workaholic, no one can truthfully accuse me of ever abusing alcohol or of driving over the permitted limit.”

No. Alan is only ever drunk on political points.

Unless Mattie drops a bombshell today, this surreal interlude is over.