Miriam Lord's week

'Late Late' cancellation; big turnout to bid farewell to IFA chief executive; Garret's epic autobiography; Bertie's still got what it takes; Pat Cox may be in line for Europe; and 'Spiderman' Lee is Fine Gael's superhero in waiting

'Late Late' protest

Fianna Fáil deputies took part in last night's Late Late Show discussion on politics "under protest" after Meath deputy Thomas Byrne was booked to appear with three party colleagues, but was then told he couldn't take part in the discussion.

He says that RTÉ were perfectly happy for him to go on the show when his name was put forward on Thursday, and appeared to have no problem with him until the Labour Party protested when they heard he was going on.

"I've been put off the air by the same people who had no problem putting Senator Alex White on the panel for their discussion on the Seanad, even though it was known that he was running in the Dublin South byelection," said Byrne. It was widely reported yesterday that he is to be Fianna Fáil's second candidate in Ireland East in the European elections.

However, he says he has not yet made a decision to run, and has until Monday to make known his intentions.

"It looks like double standards - everyone knew George Lee was considering running for Fine Gael, but he wasn't asked not to appear on screen until he made his ultimate decision."

"We're very disappointed at what happened to Thomas Byrne. He has not declared yet," a spokesman for Fianna Fáil said last night. "There was no problem from the Late Late Show when we told them there was no announcement made, then they came back in the afternoon to tell us a decision had come down from management.

"We are going ahead with the show, but under protest."

In a statement, RTÉ say a decision was taken by the show not to feature any politicians who are running in the forthcoming elections. To this end, the station wrote to Fianna Fáil seeking clarification that Byrne would not declare his nomination on Monday. They did not get a reply.

The show was advised by a steering group which is put in place to monitor election coverage. In relation to White's appearance on a recent panel discussing the Seanad, the programme was aired before April 1st, which was when RTÉ began monitoring output for fairness and balance.

When asked if the Labour Party had protested, a spokesman commented: "Yes, most absolutely, certainly it has. He's in all the papers today saying he will run, he told people in the Dáil he was running. I haven't seen him rushing out to deny it. His appearance would have been fair to other candidates."

As for Byrne, it is very likely he will declare on Monday, although he has reservations about the decision and his party organisation don't want him to run.

"It's very hard to say no to the Taoiseach," he says.

Farmer's farewell

There was a big turnout in the Castleknock Hotel and Country Club on Wednesday night at a function to mark Michael Berkery's retirement as chief executive of the Irish Farmers' Association after 25 years at the helm.

In his speech, he thanked the taoisigh and ministers he has worked with down through the years for their willingness to listen to the IFA.

"Access wasn't always confined to across the table meetings in Agriculture House or Government Buildings," said Michael, going on to detail some of them.

In the early hours of December 6th, 1983, he met Garret FitzGerald at the EU Athens summit, and later that day big gains were secured for Ireland in the superlevy negotiations.

He settled the disadvantaged areas boundaries for North Tipperary in the back of Michael O'Kennedy's ministerial car in Liberty Square in Thurles.

With Albert Reynolds and Alan Gillis, he was a regular visitor to Col Gadafy's tent deep in the Libyan desert, where they negotiated to keep the live export trade open.

In April 1999, in advance of the introduction of the new common agricultural policy, Bertie Ahern, Tom Parlon and Michael met at 6am in Berlin Zoo.

"When Ivan Yates was young and inexperienced, and he was once, I persuaded him one night in a back room in Murphy Floods Hotel in Enniscorthy that it would boost his political career if he was the minister who delivered a 'charter of farmers' rights'. Ivan never looked back, but the department never forgot or forgave the stroke," he recalled.

Tánaiste and former minister for agriculture Mary Coughlan was among the guests who dealt with the canny Berkery. "I know it takes 2½ hours from Donegal to Dublin airport because that was the length of our telephone conversation, discussion, aggressive negotiation, cajoling, and pleading we had one Sunday," he reminded her.

Then he addressed her successor. "Minister Brendan Smith, I am delighted that you are with us tonight; I have a sense you are more relaxed than usual."

Whatever that meant.

Garret's memories

Along with Brian Cowen, three former taoisigh turned out for Berkery's send-off - Bertie, Albert and Garret.

Dr FitzGerald, who seems to be getting younger, is working on another chuck of his autobiography. However, we hear he's a little peeved because his publisher is trying to limit its length. Given the amount of words he is expected to deliver, Garret explained that perhaps he should call his opus Garret Lite.

He'll have to cancel the JCB he had booked to collect the original manuscript.

Just to be going on with, he is also working on a book about education in Ireland in the 1820s.

The Bertie factor

De Udder Brudder is making up for lost time with his golden years assault on Leinster House. Although Maurice Ahern has been active in politics since 1977 - helping little brother Bertie keep the show on the road - his own political career began in 1999 at the age of 60, when he was elected to Dublin City Council.

In an interview in 2001, Maurice remarked how "in two years I have gone from being nothing to being a councillor and lord mayor." However, he said the brudder wasn't a great help when it came to landing that coveted chain.

"Bertie is too crafty to take sides, even for his brother," he told the Irish Examiner. "I told him 'All I want you to do is nothing.' And he said: 'That's exactly what I'm going to do - but I hear you're doing well on your own.'"

Back then, De Udder Brudder was hoping to join Bertie and Noel in the Dáil, if he got on place on a ticket in the next general election. "If the ball hops the right way, I'll be running for the Dáil - and if it doesn't, I won't. But I am available, let's put it like that."

Dublin North was mentioned. Maurice didn't get the nomination.

But God loves a trier. In March of this year, when he was interviewed on TV3's Political Party, De Udder Brudder was already pounding the pavements in advance of the June local elections. Talk of running in the Dublin Central byelection was also in the air.

He would be interested now, said Maurice. "Sometimes I read that I was interested in running in other places - that's not true."

With Bertie ruling the roost, "I never got an opportunity to run and indeed, that's true for more of Bertie's team, and they might emerge too. People who've been there in the background helping Bertie over these 30 years."

Compared to 1999, the little brother is more than happy to help the big brother these days. Two months ago, he was already out canvassing with Maurice, along with the full might of Bertie's machine. Although "he only wants to go out in daylight."

Now that young Maurice has the nomination, the former taoiseach is busy knocking on doors.

Party workers are getting savaged, but they have one saving grace and big secret weapon - Bertie. Reports from the canvass say that his admirers haven't deserted him, and he is as popular as ever.

The Bertie factor can't be discounted.

One party member at Wednesday night's selection convention told how he was having a torrid time when canvassing houses on the Navan Road. "Then the Bertie fella walked past, and the aul wan who was berating me nearly shoved me into the hedge as she charged out to hug him, shouting 'I won't let ya down, Bertie!'

"If he fell into the Royal Canal, he'd come out dry."

Pat's EU plans

The word in Brussels at the moment is that Pat Cox is set to replace Charlie McCreevy as Ireland's next EU commissioner.

The move makes sense. The former PD deputy leader, Independent MEP and president of the European Parliament certainly knows his way around Europe. He is well got in the corridors of power and he would give this country heavyweight representation at the commission table.

Last month, Fianna Fáil joined the European Liberal and Democratic Party (ELDR) and Cox is a former president of this grouping.

In terms of domestic politics, appointing Pat would mean Fianna Fáil could avoid the headache of choosing one of his own from Leinster House, thus precipitating an unwanted byelection.

But why are they talking about Pat Cox now?

Apparently a Government Minister let the cat out of the bag in an unguarded moment during a visit to Brussels, and the rumour mill immediately cranked into action.

A Government spokesperson says no decision on a new commissioner has been made at this stage, and it is far too early to speculate on Mr McCreevy's replacement.

Lee's web of power

George Lee was the man of the week. They were hanging from the rafters in The Stillorgan Park Hotel on Wednesday night when he was officially ratified as the Fine Gael candidate for Dublin South.

He spoke for 40 minutes on the night. (Please God, may this not be taste of things to come. He'd made a momentuous decision and had a lot to get off his chest.)

He used the phrase: "Great power brings with it great responsibility." He used it quite a bit during his various outings in the giddy days after his shock announcement.

This has mightily impressed a schoolboy of our acquaintance, who heard it. Why? Because "great power brings with it great responsibility" is a phrase belonging to none other than Spiderman. In fact, it was used as the tagline to the 2002 Spiderman movie.

When bespectacled nerd Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider, he gets superhuman powers. At first, he uses them for personal gain. This results in the death of his beloved Uncle Ben, and he then realises that great power brings with it great responsibility.

Earnest, bespectacled economist, George Lee, is bitten by Electric Inda . . .

Spiderman, by the way, was written by Stan Lee. Any relation?

Plane grounded

The ministerial fleet is to be cut by one-third with the grounding of the Beechcraft turbo prop plane. The Government has no plans to replace it, leaving Ministers with just the Lear jet and Gulfstream to ferry them about.

They'll probably be relieved to see the back of it, and its propellers. The plane has been operating for 28 years and has been taken out of service due to old age.

Two years ago, it made the headlines when it went on fire while Dermot Ahern was on a flight from Cork. The aircraft turned back and landed safely. The Evening Herald pulled out all the stops and screamed of the Minister's "Towering Inferno."

It's just as well that Dermot wasn't considering the blasphemy laws back them. When passengers realised what was happening, the air turned a lovely shade of airforce blue.

FF letter hoax

As if Fianna Fáil general

secretary Seán Dorgan hasn't enough to contend with at the moment, a bogus letter supposedly signed by him has being doing the rounds of websites in the last couple of days.

Written on party-headed notepaper, it appears to convey instructions to party workers on how to deal with difficulties faced when canvassing.

"We understand a lot of our canvassers are finding it tough on the doorstep. This is understandable in the current climate and a lot of the voters are using their hardship as an excuse to attack Fianna Fáil."

The letter goes on to advise canvassers to listen and make sure they are seen writing points into a notebook.

"Comment on the media and the way they have talked down the economy" is one piece of advice. "With the All-Ireland championships starting up in May - open up with something about the county team."

Seán Dorgan received a copy of the letter yesterday morning. "It's not genuine. Clearly, it's my signature, but nothing else. This is juvenile politics and nothing else. It's a complete and utter fake and forgery."

Having studied the letter, which is on out-of-date FF stationery, Seán worked out that it was from a letter he had written to somebody about a famine commemoration event.

The body of the letter had been replaced with the bogus communication. "It looks, on the face of it, genuine. But look at the poor syntax - it wasn't written by me. We've far more important things to be dealing with in Fianna Fáil at the moment."

Martin's Wyse words

The late Pearse Wyse, the former Fianna Fáil turned founder member of the Progressive Democrats, was a very committed pipe smoker.

He was also a gentleman, as Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin revealed after the recent funeral of his Cork neighbour.

Both men shared the same

local in Ballinlough - The Orchard. Pearse loved to light up his pipe - a la Jack Lynch - and had a chat with the younger man in the days before the smoking ban.

Thanks to Micheál's legislation, Pearse was forced to go outside to have his smoke, something that annoyed him deeply. However, he never said a word to the Minister. If they didn't fall out over the PDs, they never would.

Starry-eyed De Burca

From our Mad as a Bag of Cats department:

Green candidate for Dublin

in the European elections, Deirdre De Burca, filed the following to her Facebook page on Thursday:

"Okay - I know many of you are concerned that I am working too hard during this election campaign and having no fun. But now my secret is out, as you can see from the pic." (See left)

"I have been hanging out with Matthew McConaughey who is clearly very taken with me! So whenever the pressure of the campaign and defending myself/the Green Party gets to be too much for me, I just take some time out to and I spend it with Matthew.

"Can you blame me? Jealous girls?"

Better not tell Deirdre that Matthew's family are big in the Texan oil business.

To be fair to Senator de Burca, who issued a bizarre press release last week crowing that Fine Gael's Mairéad McGuinness copied her election poster by wearing a trouser suit and folding her arms in a full length campaign shot, there are also flashes of lucidity.

On Thursday she called on the European Commission to establish "a Europe-wide Do Not Call list."

Deirdre cited the American system, whereby people can call a toll-free number to be automatically placed on the Do Not Call register.

"People should be able to eat their dinner in peace and keep salespeople off their phone lines," she said.

She neglected to mention politicians and doorsteps.

Pioneering Senator

Congratulations to Senator Donie Cassidy, who was presented with a golden pioneer pin in his hometown of Castlepollard yesterday, marking 50 years of total abstinence from alcohol.

Winds of misfortune

Strong winds, high lamposts and election posters are a dangerous combination, as Green Party local election candidate Martin Hogan discovered when he was putting posters of Dublin's South Circular Road.

He broke his ankle, his foot and his elbow when he fell on Thursday night and he underwent a two-hour operation in St James's Hospital yesterday to rewire the elbow.

"A gust of wind just caught me when I was standing at the wrong angle. I was about 15 feet off the ground at the time.

"Thankfully, the hospital is nearby and party workers drove me to A&E. I was in a fair bit of pain."

The father-of-one, who is standing in the south west inner city, says the medical staff let him leave hospital that night to see his eight-year-old daughter in her school play. He expects his leg will be in plaster for at least eight weeks.

"I'll be getting out of hospital on Sunday and I plan to be back on the doorsteps, in a wheelchair, on Monday."

"I won't let ya down, Bertie! If he fell into the Canal, he'd come out dry