Miriam Lord's Week

As the Oireachtas throws its doors open to the public this weekend there was a distinct feel of the silly season about the place all week . . . TDs and Senators sense their holidays approaching

Bertie's summer clearout . . . helped by giant shredder

YOU WOULDN'T believe what you see around Drumcondra these days.

More of Bertie Ahern, for a start, who has been out and about enjoying himself now that he has time on his hands. Besides attending concerts, football matches and picking up awards, the former taoiseach has also been busy attending farewell parties thrown by various members of his ousted regime.

However, an unexpected sight at his St Luke's constituency headquarters yesterday was a very large, mobile document shredding machine. While Bertie's Merc was parked in its usual spot outside the front of the building, the truck-sized shredder was positioned at the back entrance to St Luke's, where upgraded security gates and security cameras were recently installed.

It was a sensible thing to do - driving it around the back. People can be very suspicious about these sort of things, particularly where politicians are concerned. You can blame the Mahon tribunal for that.

Perhaps the driver had stopped for a rest in the quiet cul de sac. Or perhaps Bertie was doing a big clearout, now that he isn't taoiseach any more and is about to move into humble rooms across the road from the Dáil. The OPW has just refurbished his bijou suite of offices in Statoil House at a cost of €220,000. The senior political correspondents who were moved out to make way for his arrival must have been a very slovenly lot if it took that much money to clear up after them. Although, in their defence, they would not share Bertie's expensively high standards in the interior décor department, as chronicled in Dublin Castle.

It seems like an awful lot to pay for a refit, but when the money is coming from the public purse that doesn't appear to matter around Kildare Street. Take the refurbished sweet shop recently opened in the grounds of Leinster House. A beautifully designed little glass box, it's no bigger than your average domestic garage and cost €800,000, excluding internal fittings and VAT.

Willie pose for Tunick? Well perish the thought

WHAT did Willie O'Dea find so amusing the other day when he and Taoiseach Cowen were photographed at a ceremony in McKee Barracks? The Taoiseach was asked to spill the beans in Tullamore yesterday, but he insisted he doesn't know what he said to cause his Minister for Defence to go into such paroxysms of laughter.

"I don't just tell one joke a day, you know," said Biffo.

Perhaps the two were reliving Cpl O'Dea's verbal gaffe on Monday's Questions and Answers, when the topic up for discussion was legislation for civil partnerships.

For those of you who dozed off before the programme finished, chairman John Bowman reminded Willie that the Minister for Justice, Dermot Ahern, was criticised for remarks he made 15 years ago, when he agreed with former Fine Gael TD Brendan McGahon's description of homosexuality as "sad and abnormal". Would Minister Ahern stand over those remarks today? "Ah sure John, you know, we can't all answer for what we said. We all said queer things . . . er . . . strange things 15 years ago."

Or perhaps Cowen and O'Dea were sniggering about the show's final question, which was directed solely at the Minister for Defence. Had he considered posing for Spencer Tunick? Willie feigned ignorance. "I don't understand the question," he said at first, before a giddy Bowman explained that Spencer Tunick is the artist who photographed hundreds of naked volunteers in Dublin last Sunday.

Willie agreed with a panellist's suggestion that he may have been visiting Chad at the time.

"No you were not, you came back on Thursday." Then John Bowman actually cracked a joke.

"Every Tom, Dick and Harry was there. And quite a few Willies as well!" he chortled, sounding like Martin Mansergh on spiked sherry.

But not this Willie.

"Perish the thought," shuddered the Minister for Defence.

'Lady Wickla' is so proud of her grandson

INTERESTING exchange overheard on Tuesday morning in the security office inside the Kildare Street gates.

Labour deputy Liz McManus was alerting the staff that a young man would be coming into Leinster House to meet her later in the day.

"He has lots of studs in his face and a red Mohawk," she told them helpfully.

The officers assured her they would be unlikely to miss such a distinctive looking chap.

Beaming with pride, the elegant Lady Wickla exclaimed: "It's my grandson. He looks just like me!"

Fancy a nice shiny new bicycle? Deputy Mary White of the Greens might be able to oblige. In her latest Carlow/Kilkenny constituency newsletter, Deputy White is running a competition, with an impressive looking bike as the first prize.

All constituents have to do is answer a simple question to be in for the draw.

Here it comes: "What is the main greenhouse gas?" (References to Trevor Sargent and parsnips will not be entertained.) Entries to marya.white@oireachtas.ie

Horse with no name finally gets a monicker

WE recently told you how The Grand Alliance, the oldest racing syndicate in Leinster House, bought a new horse on the day founder member Brian Cowen was elected Taoiseach.

It was a horse with no name.

Syndicate shareholders are drawn from Fianna Fáil, Fine Gael and the PDs, and comprise past and present parliamentarians. The new nag - a four-year-old National Hunt horse - cost €25,000, and is in training with Noel Meade. It's their third animal, successor to the winning Arctic Copper and the not-so-hot, Arctic Moon.

Finally, the horse has been named. Giddyupneddy? Lisbon Lad? Biffo's Boy? Boom and Bust? Forjackyheelyray? No. The Leinster House horse with no name will henceforth be known as "Donna's Palm." (By Great Palm out of Donna's Tarquin, apparently.)

Just because he is owned by politicians, the name does not imply anything about crossing Donna's Palm with silver. Anyway, horses have hooves, not hands.

O'Donoghue's stand-up routine a roaring success

THE new annex known as Leinster House 2000 provided a rather cavernous and clattery space on Tuesday night for the launch of former Fine Gael deputy Ted Nealon's book of political anecdotes.

Even though it's titled "Tales from the Dáil Bar," it seems the authorities wouldn't relax their rules to allow Ted's publishers Gill Macmillan hold the bash in the aforementioned bar. Apart from the fact that the acoustics made it almost impossible to hear the speeches, it may have been a good thing to keep guests away from the bar.

Ceann Comhairle John O'Donoghue did the honours for Ted, adding a few anecdotes of his own in the process.

John is hosting the Oireachtas family day this weekend, where the attractions include a hot air balloon. In respect of fuelling it, Leinster House is fully self-sufficient.

His gag about the angry Cork county councillor went down particularly well. During a meeting, the councillor protested over the poor service offered by the local maternity hospital. It was a disgrace, spluttered the incandescent politician, who was personally aware of "one poor woman still on the waiting list for admission after 12 months".

Meanwhile, Michael D Higgins, who gets an honourable mention in the book, was among the many politicians who dropped in to the reception. Ted tells of when the late Frank Cluskey was leader of the Labour Party and Michael D was chairman of the parliamentary party.

Labour was beset by infighting, and the party leader needed the support of his chairman at an important showdown. Unfortunately, Deputy Higgins was in South America attending a meeting of the World Peace Organisation, moving Cluskey to comment: "Typical of Michael D. Give him the choice of saving the world or saving the Labour Party, and he'll always go for the easy option."

However, on Tuesday, Deputy Higgins insisted Cluskey didn't make that famous remark about him. But he refused to say who it was.