Miriam Lord: Last waltz for The Whinge Quartet

It was the last inharmonious performance of The Whinge Quartet. As a group, they won’t be harping on when the next election comes along. But that’s enough good news for now.

The conductor of the Prime Time election debate, Miriam O'Callaghan, outshone them all. She wielded a stern baton, beginning with a strict instruction to the four players not to "talk over each other."

Coughs duly softened, it was the best part of half an hour before their sedation wore off. Then they started talking in tongues.

One of the podiums was creaking something terrible. Either that or somebody hadn't oiled their pointing hand before going on. Micheál Martin spent much of the time denying he drove the bus over the cliff. Then the Taoiseach compounded matters for the Fianna Fáil leader by alleging he left "clapped out" vehicles for the gardaí to drive around in, not content with having wrecked the bus.

"I'm not at sea" said Gerry Adams, floundering somewhat.

"What kind of cloud cuckoo-land are you living in?" Joan Burton asked him. It's an amphibious bus. Then she teamed up with Enda to attack Micheál, and him still struggling to clear his name on the motor vehicle front.

“I was a small group of people” declared Gerry, by way of explaining why “I never tried to hide my association with the IRA”.

The Fianna Fáil leader was wearing his FG blue tie for the second debate running. Could it be a sign?

He was the meat in a coalition sandwich, and Enda and Joan were peckish. They got stuck into him over his past record when in government with Fianna Fáil.

"I'm delighted to be here tonight" burbled the Tánaiste on her way into RTÉ. "It's very exciting." Joan may have been criss-crossing the country on her election campaign over the past few weeks, but she clearly doesn't get out much. It's the fashion now in TV circles to treat these debates as some sort of political Oscars ceremony, complete with red carpet interviews with the arriving celebrities. Or in last night's case, arriving party leaders desperate to come away at the end of the evening with a win.

So they rocked up to the little bank of microphones in front of the logo-covered backdrop and did their thing. “What are you wearing?” shouted the journalists. (Or something like that.)

Lucky red coat

Gerry Adams was wearing his election manifesto. He had it elegantly pinned to his shirt as he faced the press. Joan stuck to her lucky red coat. (Although some say it’s stuck to her and she hasn’t been able to take it off since January.) Micheál, looking very shiny under the lights, was pretending he wasn’t accessorising a little too much on the blue side. And

Enda Kenny

, thank God, kept all his clothes on.

Mercifully, the public didn’t have to witness a repeat of last week’s wardrobe malfunction which saw the Taoiseach swaggering into the seven-way debate in his shirt-sleeves.

There was a full moon last night. Draw your own conclusions. But back to Miriam, who moderated well, like a good referee: rarely blowing the whistle and allowing the game to flow. Or in the case of The Whinge Quartet, allowing them to blow with the minimum of interference.

Gerry Adams continued to refer to his three fellow leaders as “these three folks.” “These three folks have been in Leinster House, between them, for over 80 years,” said Gerry (68), who has been President of Sinn Féin for 33 years and was a Westminster MP back in 1983.

He pledged that a Sinn Féin government would make life better for people earning under €100,000.

As O’Callagahan tried to make him come to the point, he asked her if she earns over that figure. The nation sucked in its breath. You don’t attack the ref, or throw your trumpet at the conductor. “Yes” she said.

Quiet night

Both the Taoiseach and the Tánaiste had a fairly quiet night. This was Joan Burton’s best outing to date. Micheál Martin was more reserved than usual, but his familiar, competent self. Enda took to pulling faces when the others were talking, as if feigning deep thought. Gerry Adams had an uncomfortable evening. None of them liked Miriam’s questions about cronyism. Enda was winded when she scored a direct hit by telling him he “out Bertied Bertie”.

Over on the other channel, Barcelona were dispatching Arsenal in the Champions League. It was a slow start, rather like the debate, until Messi stepped up and closed the deal. No Messi emerged last night. The highlight came when O'Callaghan called for a break and told people to make tea. Too late for that. We had a brandy and port. In the closing statements Micheál had the last word. It remains to be seen if that's the case on Friday.

Curtains, applause, and a last waltz for the Whinge Quartet.