Missing voices

Radio Review:Why aren't the tribunals broadcast? A radio broadcast would, in the scheme of the overall costs, be as cheap as chips and could be streamed on the web or even medium wave without displacing anything else.

I've no doubt that, back in the last century when the tribunals were established, the broadcast issue was discussed and dismissed and in fairness, mostly the carry-on in Dublin Castle is so tedious it'd make your head explode. But still, there are times, such as this week, when it would have been of real value to hear the actual voices.

Still, the re-enactments by Joe Taylor, Malcolm Douglas and Deirdre Monaghan - once of the now defunct Tonight with Vincent Browne show - continue to be a stroke of radio (and acting) genius. Those re-enactments were an audience-puller for that show, something Drivetime (RTÉ R1, Mon-Fri) has cottoned on to and so this week we heard Deirdre as Celia and Joe as Bertie (no disrespect intended - I'm simply taking a leaf out of Celia's "see how nice I am, I'm on first-name terms with everyone" shtick).

Newstalk and Today FM's drivetime programmes covered the events at the Mahon Tribunal (mostly with print journalists giving their take on it) but Mary Wilson's show went to town on it, which might have made sense if something particularly new or sensational had emerged or, indeed, if the electorate had showed any sign last May of giving a damn how much cash was piled up on Bertie's kitchen table.

On Wednesday, as well as the regular reporting and the re-enactments, Wilson had Philip Boucher-Hayes giving a brain-bogglingly long, forensically detailed breakdown of the sums of money involved and a panel featuring Terry Prone to analyse (why?) Celia's performance, and Joe Higgins, who is the top choice if you're looking for some quotable colour.

Joe Duffy came back from his holidays with a classic Liveline (RTÉ R1, Mon-Fri). "Where I get the duck?" a man called Sammy was screeching when I tuned in on Wednesday. "You do admit that you're killing ducks in your back yard in Captain's Avenue in Crumlin?" asked Duffy, clearly enjoying himself. Sammy did, no problem, and basically he thought the neighbour who called in to the show the previous day to report it and the DSPCA who came and rescued the remaining ducks were a bunch of racists for not respecting his right to engage in blood-letting in his yard.

He was, he said, providing his family with halal meat as his religion demanded - not, as had been alleged to supply a couple of restaurants, though the volume of fowl did suggest a great fondness for, as Joe put it, Crumlin Crispy Duck. It was, repeated Sammy in a hysterical tone that suggested he might be about to burst a blood vessel, no one's business but his own.

Culture clashes rarely sound so grimly entertaining - though the image of such a barbaric bloody mess in a suburban back garden doesn't do much to advance the cause of multiculturalism, not that Sammy seemed bothered by that.

The day after the soccer team made a show of themselves in Slovakia, the rugby chaps did much the same in Bordeaux, so Tom McGurk was back on air talking to Gerry Ryan (2fm, Monday) about the team's performance. He sounded unashamedly sore that he, George Hook and Brent Pope had lost their rugby commentary gig when RTÉ lost out to TV3 for the rights to broadcast the World Cup.

"We feel like we're in mourning, we've lost our legs," he said. Though if he tuned into Newstalk he'd hear his old mucker Hooky sounding quite cheery anchoring that station's live coverage of the matches.

McGurk shot a couple of broadsides at the TV3 coverage, broadcast, he repeated several times, "from a garage on Burlington Road". He had a go at the new kit. The jersey he said looked like a low rent soccer team's. "Truly they're big girls' blouses slips," he harrumphed, and as for the shorts, "Paul O'Connell looks like he's wearing demi-knickers. "Well, he played like he was wearing demi knickers," sniggered Ryan, (though it's not something he'd probably say to O'Connell's face) and no, before you ask, I have no idea what demi-knickers are.