A surprise in the post; TD encourages Dublin recycling; Bertie envies the turkey treatment; political animals kept in the dark; Taoiseach brought to book; a big day at the races; and Richard Bruton's dirty secret i s revealed
Politicians, particularly those representing rural areas, are terrific funeral goers. Some of them can fit in five or six on a good morning, and round off a successful day's condoling with a few removals before tea.
TDs scan death notices the way stockbrokers read closing prices.
The importance of turning up at as many funerals as possible is never underestimated in Leinster House.
However, while prodigious funeral attendance is a well-known trait of the diligent deputy, their duties extend further than mere obsequies.
Births and weddings are not ignored, while milestone celebrations such as significant birthdays and wedding anniversaries are always worth an official communication.
"You should never underestimate the value of an envelope with an Oireachtas harp on it coming through somebody's letterbox. It could translate into a lot of votes for life," a wise Senator told us yesterday.
Which brings us to Fine Gael veteran, PJ Sheahan, who made a triumphant return to the Dáil in May after a spell in the west Cork wilderness.
A couple of weeks ago, the Goleen-based deputy got wind of a big 40th wedding celebration being planned in Bantry.
Determined to get in first with his earnest felicitations, PJ established the identity of the happy couple and the nature of the hooley. Delighted with himself, he immediately dispatched his good wishes - on Oireachtas stationary, of course.
This is what PJ wrote: "Congratulations on your surprise 40th wedding anniversary." Unfortunately, the "surprise" party to celebrate the ruby wedding, which involved a lot of planning and secrecy on the part of the couple's 14 children, wasn't due to happen for another few days.
After his letter let the cat out of the bag, we understand nine very irate sons unsuccessfully combed west Cork looking for a word with Deputy Sheahan.
It might be a good idea for PJ to stick to the funerals for the foreseeable future.
Will Senator Ivor "Lazarus" Callely produce a family-themed card this Christmas? Over the years, Ivor's cheesy customised cards have become a highlight of the Christmas season. Some people are lucky enough to have the complete set, and are known to boast about it when they have drink taken.
It's been a bruising year for Lazarus Callely, the former Fianna Fáil junior minister who lost his Dáil seat to Finian McGrath and then failed to win a seat in the Seanad elections. But just when it looked all over for Ivor, the Taoiseach stepped in and personally nominated him to the Upper House.
In the absence thus far of the latest Callely, we must issue congratulations to deputy Lucinda Creighton, who has broken from the blocks with the first Christmas card of the year.
It features a painting of Leinster House and was dropped into our pigeon hole early last week.
"I like to get out of the traps early," says the Fine Gael deputy, who has a team of volunteers hand-delivering 45,000 cards around Dublin South East.
Think of it: In a few years' time, they'll be able to do the residents a favour and post them straight to the incinerator.
First we're the laughing stock of the world with our aul stubby pencils and ballot papers. The Taoiseach is mortified when he meets fellow leaders and has to admit we still don't have electronic voting.
Now they're sniggering at the way he is forced to live a relatively Spartan existence, compared to other statesmen. No yachts provided to enjoy prolonged holidays or access to a jet for trips to Parnell Park.
The Yanks really rubbed Bertie's nose in it this week, so don't be surprised when he stands up in the Dáil and complains that even turkeys enjoy superior travel perks.
The Taoiseach, who is an avid consumer of the international press, will have read about "May" and "Flower", the two lucky birds favoured by President Bush this year for the annual pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey.
The suspiciously drowsy pair were feted in the White House Rose Garden, where Dubya spared them for life from the butcher's knife and wished them years of "blissful gobbling". Whereupon the two 45 pounders were driven at speed to Dulles airport, their turkeycade escorted by police outriders.
They were whisked past security and conveyed by private bus to the terminal.
Before boarding, they dined and napped in a private room in the United Airlines Red Carpet Club.
Finally, the Americans' top turkeys jetted off on a free holiday to Orlando in Florida, where they starred as honorary grand marshals of Disney World's Thanksgiving parade.
They flew first class, May in seats 3B and 3C and Flower in 1A and 1B. The aircraft was renamed "United Turkey One, Flight 6519." The pair are now enjoying a prolonged holiday on Disney's pet farm.
In fairness, you can see why Bertie might be feeling a little undervalued. If it's good enough for a turkey, it's good enough for a Taoiseach.
Buswell's Hotel was packed on Wednesday night for the launch of the new Nealon's Guide to the 30th Dáil and 23rd Seanad. Just before the Taoiseach arrived to perform the launch, the room was plunged into darkness, but the doughty crowd of politicians, diplomats, spin doctors and hacks managed valiantly not to spill a drop.
It turned out the culprit was Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, who leaned up against the light switch.
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern did the honours. "My daughter says it's not only at Christmas that people buy books," he quipped. His youngest girl, Cecelia, of course, is a hugely popular novelist with a worldwide following.
He had a special word of welcome for former FG deputy Ted Nealon, who founded the guide and had come from his Sligo home for the event.
Ted has not been idle in his retirement years. He has just completed a book on Irish politics over the decades called Tales from the Dáil Bar. It's due to be published in March by Gill and Macmillan.
The advance word is that it's a big read, stuffed with good yarns.
New Nealon's Guide editor Stephen Collins, of this parish, said he was aware that that his two predecessors - Ted Nealon and Geraldine Kennedy - are both former members of the Oireachtas.
"When I was going through Eoghan Harris's entry, I thought: there might be hope for me yet," said Stephen.
We haven't seen Bertie laugh so heartily in ages.
The little stall set up by the publishers to sell copies of Nealon's Guide was swamped by customers, many of whom darted across to Buswell's from Leinster House and bought their copy before the speeches started.
In no time, the meager stock of 100 copies was sold out. At which point, some bright spark realised there wasn't one left for the Taoiseach. More importantly, there wasn't one for Bertie to hold during the photo opportunity.
A copy was hastily procured from a guest as he arrived. So when the pictures were taken, Bertie held a book bearing the inscription "To Seamus, best wishes, Enda Kenny."
Here's a co-incidence. On the day Bertie Ahern was given his first "dig-out" by pals, he attended Leopardstown Races. It was December 27th, 1993. The official going was "soft".
After their jaunt to the southside, the party repaired across the Liffey to St Luke's, Bertie's political headquarters.
It was here that the £22,500 raised for him a few weeks earlier by six pals was handed over to a surprised Bertie, who didn't know they had taken up a collection for him. He insisted he would look upon it as a loan.
One of the Friends of Bertie who kicked in £2,500 in cash for the then minister for finance was publican Charlie Chawke. His flagship establishment, the Goat Dublin Sporting Pub, sponsored the third race on the card that day.
It carried a total prize fund of £6,000, with more than £4,000 going to the winning horse.
Little did Bertie know, as Ferrycarrig Hotel crossed the line in first place, that he too would be the beneficiary of Charlie's largesse before the night was out.
The horse got more, though.
Four hundred guests converged on the Regency Hotel in Dublin's Drumcondra on Wednesday night for a dinner to mark 25 years in public life by Fine Gael deputy leader Richard Bruton.
Party Leader Enda Kenny was joined at the top table by former leader Garret FitzGerald at the celebration, which was hosted by deputy Bruton's Dublin North Central constituency organisation.
Richard's brother, John, former FG taoiseach and current EU ambassador to the United States, was unable to leave Washington for the occasion but his wife Finola filled in for him.
There were three speeches - deputies Kenny and Bruton went down well, but the speech by Richard's son, John (23), was the highlight of the night.
The language student revealed how his dad is notorious at home for playing Leonard Cohen music and baking brown bread.
He spoke of the regular battles between Richard and his wife, Sue, over the television remote control and whether they should watch Prime Time or Sex and the City. "Sue usually wins and they watch Prime Time," said John.
The general consensus among the party faithful on the night was that if John has an interest in politics, the constituency's FG seat is safe.