RADIO REVIEW:DAVE FANNING presents his own self-titled evening radio programme, The Dave Fanning Show (RTÉ Radio 1, weekdays) so why is he filling in on The Tubridy Show (RTÉ Radio 1, weekdays) for the summer? asks Quentin Fottrell.
Meanwhile, a willing-and-more-than-able Eoin Sweeney is fronting The Dave Fanning Show. Confusing, I know. If I were a fan of The Dave Fanning Show I'd be miffed by him hopping off for this morning glory. What the buck? Developing his own Radio One programme should be his first priority. There are lots of new kids on the block who deserve a prime-time break. Like Sweeney. What's next? Maxi and Pat Kenny playing musical chairs?
Fanning can fly by the seat of his pants on entertainment shows, but it's a mistake to take his evening persona to morning radio. On Monday, he was discussing crisis management with a panel. He said, "Alistair Campbell might be on the phone, but I'm not 100 per cent sure." That sounded 100 per cent sloppy.
Turns out Campbell was on the phone. Fanning asked him, "Is it a true test of who or what we are to be able to manage a crisis?" That was like a temporary question written halfway through the research. Campbell said, "Make sure it's a crisis before you go into crisis mode" and, "Understand that it will end."
Campbell also said New Labour only had about six crises. "Okay," Fanning said, "staying with that . . . " He then asked about the death of Princess Diana of all things. That was not a Blair crisis. I wish he'd asked about Campbell's dirty half-dozen. They finally got around to a few of them: Iraq and the late Robin Cook.
Fanning has also had persistent technical problems, hitting the wrong buttons. Monday's sign-off, "Good luck and take it easy. Oh, wrong one. I meant to play this one!" Not exactly a polished finish. Tuesday's sign-off: "Oh, yes. I played the ad break already, I keep forgetting that!" He should have gone to bed early.
On morning radio, presenters need to be sharp, articulate, perky, attentive, engaged and showing that they care 100 per cent. After dinner, listeners are tired too, so on evening radio, they can afford to be slouchy, luxuriate in soft consonants and lazy vowels, be more laid-back and coast a little. The two don't easily mix.
On an island somewhere in the South Pacific, I envision a slim man in sunglasses, gold medallion and Paul Smith togs, sipping a cocktail by the bar. His mobile rings. The name "Dave Fanning" flashes up on his screen. The man answers: "Oops! Sorry, Ryan. It's a new phone. Didn't mean to dial you. Take it handy . . . "
Having taken the O'Shea out of RTÉ 1's Seoige O'Shea, Joe O'Shea is also filling Seán Moncrieff's Jesus sandals on Moncrieff (Newstalk, weekdays). He never seemed entirely at home in the squeaky clean soft-focus pastel politeness of afternoon telly, so this is a nice gig to get so soon after packing his make-up case.
While Fanning's closing remarks were the equivalent of repeatedly banging his head off the bar on the emergency exit, O'Shea showed he is more comfortable on radio. He said of the sun: "We've reported it to the gardaí and it will be gone by tomorrow." Then he went straight into an item on crystal meth. As you do.
Gardaí and customs officers found 6kg of crystal meth in Co Offaly, of all places, on Tuesday. "Could it now become the next drug plague to hit Ireland?" O'Shea asked, setting up his item. Another drug plague? Oh, crap. That's all we need. He said the gardaí hadn't even figured out how to calculate its value yet.
Trust intrepid reporter Henry McKean to find a woman who had tried it. In fact, she said it's been available in Dublin and Cavan - I don't know why she singled out Cavan - for three to four years: "I've already taken it, I'm an ex-addict." McKean asked her how many hours it lasts. "It can last for two days," she said.
This woman knew how to give a reporter what he wanted to hear. "There is definitely going to be an explosion on the street!" she said. McKean asked, "They say gay people like the drug?" She replied, "They love it!" He asked about the immigrants.
"It's the foreign people who are bringing it over," she replied.
She also said it was popular in Ballymun, editorialising, "They don't need that!" This was a cockamamie line-up of the usual suspects: dirty immigrants, dirty homosexuals and dirty working classes. A texter said, "I got it from a Polish person". A gay texter added, "We're not all pill poppers." Amen to that, brother.
Drug expert Harry Shapiro said of crystal meth, "This is a far more powerful drug than ecstasy." He said crystal meth may find a level in the market. Time will tell . . . Another listener had a more unusual addiction, though it was not a crisis: "I've been over-using cotton buds and they gave me a headache. Any advice?"
Nope . . . But I do have some advice for RTÉ. It should find more Eoin Sweeneys and Joe O'Sheas. The former used to work for Newstalk, so their loss could be RTÉ's gain. Meanwhile, Tubridy can at least relax for the summer as his seat has been kept lukewarm while he's away which, if he's smart, is exactly how he should like it.