When the cheating is over . . .

Forget the seven-year itch, it’s more common to have an affair five or 25 years into a relationship, says one expert. But it is possible for a couple to get back on track post infidelity

FINDING OUT that a partner has had an affair may well be devastating but, according to many relationship experts, it is possible for couples to survive such a revelation.

In fact, some counsellors believe that rather than leading to the end of a relationship, discovering that a loved one has been unfaithful can lead to a strengthening of the bonds that a couple have, provided they are prepared to work through the difficulties that led one, or even both partners, to seek comfort in the arms of another.

According to Andrew G Marshall, marital therapist and author of several books on relationships, the revelation that infidelity has occurred, while obviously distressing, gives couples an opportunity to re-evaluate their relationship and can eventually lead to a deeper and better bond. “It might sound strange but you can turn this crisis from the worst thing that has happened to your relationship into one of the best,” he claims.

Marshall says that learning that a partner has been unfaithful is upsetting, not simply because it leaves people feeling betrayed but also because it leaves them feeling that the person they have been most intimate with is, in fact, someone unknown to them.

“People often don’t understand why affairs happen, but the reality is that the roots of infidelity can always be traced back,” says Marshall, who works for Relate, a British couple-counselling charity.

“Usually there are problems which haven’t been addressed properly in a relationship and the failure to resolve those issues, together with ongoing poor communication, are the starting points for infidelity. Add in temptation in the guise of another person, who shows interest and provides a listening ear, and you have all the ingredients for an affair,” he adds.

Marshall says that in seeking to discover why infidelity has taken place, couples begin to fully re-examine their relationship. He says that if, as a result of this, they decide to address the long-term problems that exist, there is a strong chance that trust can be restored.

This view is shared by Lisa O’Hara, a counsellor with Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MRCS), which has centres throughout the Republic.

“What we tend to see among couples who come to us is that one person will feel incredible betrayal while the other feels huge guilt,” she says.

“Usually one or both partners will say that there was something missing in their relationship or that something changed which affected the dynamic.

“Infidelity is rarely just about sex, there are lots of different reasons and sex is just one of those,” O’Hara adds.

She believes that once infidelity has been revealed, the betrayed person must be allowed to fully express their hurt and anger about the affair.

This is because while their partner has obviously known about it for some time, the betrayed person has not, and therefore they need to process the information. “The betrayed person will be grieving because the relationship they had is gone and while it might not have been the perfect relationship, it has fundamentally changed, and trust, which is the bedrock of any partnership, has been destroyed,” says O’Hara.

“The person who shows the willingness and generosity and understands why their partner needs to express their feelings about the betrayal will already be going a long way to helping get the relationship back on the road, again if they can stay open and honest,” she adds.

While couples are often warned of the seven-year itch, research carried out by Marshall suggest the two periods when couples need to be particularly careful about the threat of infidelity is five years into a relationship and after 25 years.

“Usually with couples, a decision to fully commit has been taken by the time they are a few years into their relationship.

“If they haven’t worked this out by a certain point, then one or both of them may begin to question their partnership.

“Conversely, for those younger couples who have made a commitment, having a child can cause undue stress, and this can also make them vulnerable to having an affair,” he says.

“Around the 25-year mark is even more troublesome though because this usually coincides with middle age and the realisation that no one lives forever.

“Such thinking can lead individuals to realise they want more out of life and makes them vulnerable to having an affair,” he adds.

According to Marshall, there are eight different types of affairs that individuals can embark upon.

Moreover, he claims there are seven stages that all couples go through after infidelity is uncovered.

These range from shock and disbelief to intense learning and, if these stages are successfully navigated, can lead to a stronger relationship.

“Couples find that after an affair is revealed they talk more in a period of two weeks than they have ever done. There is a huge amount of information which comes out during this period including secrets which might not have been revealed before such as revelations about sexual abuse, etc.

“While incredibly painful, the knowledge that a couple gain about each other during this time can create the basis for a stronger bond, which ultimately also means that they are less likely to stray again,” he says.

AFFAIR: WHAT TYPE?

According to some experts, there are eight different types of affairs that people have with the last three types being the hardest to recover from.

1. ACCIDENTAL AFFAIRS:Tend to be short-term relationships that often occur with work colleagues who develop sexual chemistry due to spending long periods of time together.

2. CRY FOR HELP AFFAIRS:Tend not to be overtly sexual and usually happen only when a person has tried to express their hurt and dissatisfaction to their partner but has been rejected.

3. RETALIATORY AFFAIRS:Are usually shortlived and arise because a person feels "entitled" to the affair because they have been ignored.

4. SELF-MEDICATION:Undertaken when one or both partners feel trapped by duty, children, marriage, financial circumstances or habit and seeks escape elsewhere.

5. EXPLORATORY AFFAIRS:Occur when a person is at a crossroads and wonders what might have been if only they'd lived their life differently.

6. TRIPOD AFFAIRS:Usually long-term relationships in which there is a lot of emotion invested in the affair partner.

7. DON JUAN OR DONNA JUANA:Involve individuals who engage in multiple affairs who often think that infidelity isn't really a big deal.

8. EXIT AFFAIRS:Develop when a person is seeking to send a clear message to their partner that their relationship is over.

SEVEN STEPS TO RECOVERY FROM AN AFFAIR

The following is the process that couples must take in order to come through infidelity:

1. SHOCK AND DISBELIEF:The moment when someone discovers their partner has been unfaithful and the affair is named for the first time.

2. INTENSE QUESTIONING:The first six months after discovery when the "wronged" partner seeks answers to why the affair took place, how long it's been going on, etc.

3. DECISION TIME:The "should I stay or should I go" moment.

4. HOPE:The time when couples first begin to see that there is a chance to save their relationship.

5. ATTEMPTED NORMALITY:The moment when couples seek to move on from infidelity.

6. BODIES FLOAT TO SURFACE:A time of despair when new information may come to light and individuals deal with self-esteem issues.

7. INTENSE LEARNING:A moment of reparation in which individuals discover the difference between forgiving and forgetting.

5and 25

Years into a relationship is when couples need to be particularly careful about the threat of infidelity