Testing time for parents

Sometimes parents feel that they are going through the exams as well – so what is the advice from parents who have seen it all before?

ALMOST 120,000 parents will be sitting the Leaving Certificate next month. At least that’s what some of them feel like as their offspring count down the days to June 3rd.

It is hard not to let exam fever take over the household, especially when it is the eldest child, the family “guinea pig”, sitting the State exams. Pressure comes from all directions: from schools, from parents, from peers and from the media.

If being powerless is one definition of stress, surely watching your child take exams more than qualifies.

It is a big deal, but not the life-defining step it is sometimes made out to be. As one mother remarks, there are a lot of screwed-up, middle-aged people around, and it is never because of what they got in their Leaving. So what advice do parents who have been through it with their children have for first-timers?

Agnes Mangan of Barna, Co Galway, whose third and youngest child, Cairenn McDonnell, is sitting the Leaving this year, seems a little bemused at how stressed some families become.

“It has never been that stressful in this house,” she remarks. She heard another mother say that if she had realised how demanding it was going to be, she would have taken the year off work.

“To do what?” Mangan wonders. One of her main contributions to her son Anthony’s Leaving year in 2007, was to bring him breakfast in bed before he disappeared out the door at 8.30am for a day at school, followed by supervised study, and not returning until 10.30pm.

“It was the only meal I had control of,” she comments, so she wanted to get something decent into him.

Acknowledging that a parent’s best approach all depends on the type of child you have, she realised early on that while none of her children would kill themselves working, nagging would have the opposite of the desired effect.

Both Anthony and his older sister, Cadhla, are in Trinity College Dublin now, studying history and politics, and history and Russian, respectively.

As a parent you can’t win, Mangan suggests. If you don’t put any pressure on them, they’ll say afterwards “you should have made me work harder”; if you keep at them, they’ll say, “your nagging put me off”.

Her three children attended Coláiste Iognáid in Galway, and she has been fascinated at how little pressure the school seems to put on the students. “Despite that, the kids do it themselves, they are self-motivated. It is a risk but it seems to work and they do all knuckle down in sixth class.”

She is surprised at the burden of expectations many parents lay on their children and how they directly, or indirectly, let it be known what they want them to do, be it law or accountancy or whatever.

As for promising a rising scale of payments for results, Mangan does not understand that at all. She reckons it is unfair to reward results rather than the effort put in.

She says she heard of one student who did not get enough points for medicine and his parents cancelled his post-Leaving holiday as a result. “It was a double whammy,” she points out, “so unfair on the child.”

This is second time around for Jenny McGrath, of Lucan, Co Dublin, whose daughter Holly (18) is sitting the Leaving. When her eldest child, Scott (21), was doing it in 2006, his sister was doing the Junior Cert. It was an advantage having both of them doing exams at the same time, says McGrath, as they were both studying and there were no distractions, such as the sibling having friends in.

Compared with three years ago, McGrath reckons she, as a parent, is less stressed this time. “The concerns, for her, are still there but there would not be the same turmoil inside me,” she explains.

With Scott, who is very laid-back, she was conscious of needing to apply some pressure on him to study, but not overdo it. “I let him have a bit of free space as well.”

Holly, a pupil at Lucan Community College, is working well, says her mother, and did a fair bit of studying over the Easter holidays. She wants to do veterinary nursing at UCD and, as it is a new degree course, she does not know exactly what points will be needed.

Throughout sixth year she has continued her part-time job in a boutique in the Liffey Valley shopping centre on Wednesday evenings and Sundays. It was a decision which her parents left up to her.

“I felt she was able to realise if it encroached on her study,” explains McGrath. “She was not going to be studying 24/7. Also, she is planning to go on a post-Leaving Cert holiday and she needs spending money for that.”

Mary Roche, who lives just outside Sligo town, had a more hands-on approach with her daughter who was doing the Leaving at Sligo Grammar School last year, while her son was doing the Junior Cert there.

It all depends on your child’s personality and studying style, she points out. While she and her husband had the interest and the time to be quite closely involved, it might not be what other people and their children would like.

A “mish-mash” of coaching, parenting, advice and tutoring is required at exam time, she suggests, “whatever works for the particular child you are experiencing it with”.

In the run-up to the Leaving, her daughter moved her studying to the kitchen, where they could discuss topics and answers to questions.

“It might sound intrusive,” says Roche, “but it puts the student into the teacher role and I learned amazing things. You feel you have shared in the process.”

She also found it very valuable to listen to RTÉ Podcasts with her daughter on how the different subjects are examined. “It was particularly helpful in biology, just to get a handle on how the subject is approached, which questions carry most points, the structure of the paper, etc,” she explains.

At the time of the exams, she advises parents to make sure their teenagers have a decent breakfast, get enough sleep and give them lifts to and from the exam centre, especially back home at lunchtime if feasible.

She reckons you can’t tell them often enough to read the exam papers properly, and to advise them to start with their best questions so they can get into the swing of it.

While she never had the stomach to go over an exam paper with her daughter, her husband did. He kept a running tot of how she was doing which helped them to be realistic down the road and have a fair idea of how she had done overall.

Teresa Hart, co-founder of Help Me 2 Parent which runs parenting courses, has a 19-year-old son doing the Leaving this year and at this stage is looking forward to a return to normal life once the exams are over.

“From a parent’s point of view, you can get so stressed out but it does nothing except cause resentment on both sides.”

If she sees him sitting around, she admits she sometimes has to press the “pause” button to stop herself instinctively asking “why aren’t you studying? It is all about trying to get a balance,” she says. “He still has time for socialising, as I feel that is important.”

The big thing is to make sure your child takes responsibility for his or her performance in the exams, she says.

Ask them where they want to be in five years’ time, how they are going to achieve it and assure them that you will be there to support them.

“Maybe what you want for your child is not what they want and that is the hard part as a parent,” she adds.

Her colleague in Help Me2Parent, Martina Newe, is trying to motivate her 15-year-old daughter to work harder for her Junior Cert.

She may be going up to her bedroom, but whether she is actually studying is another question, with all the distractions mobile phones and Bebo can provide these days.

However, Newe reckons the “carrot” is better than the “stick” and has agreed to set financial rewards based on grades achieved.

“It is an incentive,” she explains. “It gives her extra reasons to try harder. We get financial rewards for how hard we work in every walk of life.”

Having already seen her eldest daughter through the Leaving, Newe’s advice to parents who are “in bits” over the exams is that there is no point in stressing over things you cannot control.

“It is their problem. We are not in control and we can only support them.”

Another Dublin mother, who has seen two children through the Leaving, says the best words of wisdom she can offer in hindsight is “get off their backs”.

“First time around I got far too involved. It was not my Leaving Certificate. The second time, it was a very different child but I was more hands off.”

As the exams approach, acknowledge that it has been an incredibly tough year, she suggests, and look after their bodily comforts by providing good food and frequently washing their favourite tracksuit bottoms and T-shirt.

The final year at school is hard on everybody. For parents, the Leaving can seem to be the last opportunity to have a say in what they are doing. The youngsters will be cut loose after that, going on to college, to work, abroad.

So it’s a big milestone for parents too. While their children are excitedly anticipating the future, they are mourning the passing of childhood. Undoubtedly, they need a post-Leaving holiday too.

swayman@irishtimes.com

Advice to parents: from the class of 2008

JAMES MCCLEANE-FAY, first-year Arts student at University College Cork; formerly Ashton School, Blackrock, Co Cork and Cork College of Commerce:

“Make sure they are doing the work but don’t be too confrontational,” is his advice to parents of Leaving Cert students. “Reassurance is the best thing. Tell them it is not the end of the world but it is a great opportunity if you want to go to college before the age of 23!

“It is their responsibility and you can’t do the work for them. If they mess up, it is on their own heads. If they do really well, it is on their own heads too. That realisation helped me – eventually.”

He suggests that having a friend or two over to study with can work well. Such study groups are “best in the kitchen where you can see what they’re up to”. Two hours of work and one hour of fun is his recommended formula.

It is not a disaster if a student has to repeat the Leaving, he says, as someone who did. Although initially he did not want to do it all again, the second time around he was able to focus on getting what he wanted.

“But if they want to do something instead of repeating, let them go off and do it,” he adds.

ELAINE LAVERY, first-year student in business and law at University College Dublin; formerly Alexandra College, Dublin:

“I was so motivated my parents really did not have to say anything,” she explains. Total non-interference was her preferred parental approach. She resented even well-meaning advice to take breaks because she reckoned she had everything under control.

“It is important for parents to ask the child what they want to do after school because if they can focus on that goal with the child, they have a reason to study,” she suggests.

She knows students who just do not care about the exams and she does not think there is much their parents can do.

“If a person does not work for themselves, I don’t think anybody can make them.”

A lot of it is down to maturity, she adds. “It is different for boys, they are that bit less mature. There are some lost causes out there!”

ROBIN ALLEN, first-year Arts student at NUI Galway; formerly St Augustine’s College, Dungarvan, Co Waterford:

“Don’t put too much pressure on your child, it doesn’t work,” he warns. “It worries them and they won’t get the work done.

“Ask what subjects they are weakest at and what they need help with,” he suggests. Discuss this with them, rather than just going by school reports and exam results.

“A lot of people do the work themselves, others will come round to it eventually,” he suggests, “like I did.” The second time around, he says, he told his parents to back off.

He repeated the Leaving because he did not get quite enough points for what he wanted. “I was close enough and decided another year wouldn’t kill me if it got what I wanted.”

Parents can help by . . .

PARENTS DO get het up at exam time, particularly when it is the first child in the household who is sitting the Leaving Certificate, says guidance counsellor Michael Gleeson. But their anxiety simply adds to all the other pressures on the teenager. Exam time is a particularly vulnerable time for suicides and cases of self-harm, he points out.

Parents need to be communicating with their son or daughter and be vigilant if their behaviour changes. The student may be extremely anxious and bottling it all up.

The confidential helpline Childline reports that exam-related calls peak in August, on the day before and the day of the Leaving results. Callers are often worrying about their “perception” of their parents’ expectations, says Tess Noonan, a regional manager with the ISPCC (Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children).

“It’s an important exam, but the person is more important,” stresses Gleeson, who works at Ardscoil Rís on the North Circular Road in Limerick and is public relations officer for the Institute of Guidance Counsellors.

He offers the following tips for parents:

* Put a copy of the exam timetable in a prominent place, such as on the fridge door, so you can double check dates and times for the different subjects.

* Make sure they are eating before and in between exams. They should not go in on an empty stomach.

* Ensure well in advance that they have the necessary material and equipment for exams, such as pens, rulers, calculators and stock up if necessary.

* Make sure they have their exam number and know where the exam centre is – this can change as centres amalgamate for the less popular subjects towards the end.

* Try to make sure they are getting sufficient sleep in the days leading up to and during the exams; last-minute studying all night is not recommended, as they will have little energy left to tackle the paper.

* Students should avoid substances to calm them down or keep them alert, such as caffeine drinks, cigarettes or illegal drugs – and so should you!

* During these final weeks, make sure they are getting enough exercise and taking breaks in between periods of study.

* Ensure they are on time for the exams, neither late nor too early – anxiety among waiting exam candidates is contagious.

* Avoid arguments in the home around exam time as these can cause extra stress.

* Don’t make comparisons between siblings, as this can provoke jealously or damage self-esteem.

* Don’t do post-mortems on exam papers. There’s no point; they need to move on.

* Encourage, praise and affirm as much as possible.