TIME OUT:All lives have their share of disappointments
WE TEND to regard emotions as feelings that are powerful, passionate, surging and strong. “Disappointment” is a quieter emotion, even though it may be intensely felt. It is the failure of expectations, a feeling of being let down by oneself, by others, by circumstances or by unfortunate or unexpected events.
Disappointment is felt when what we had expected to happen does not happen, when anticipated responses or rewards do not materialise. It is not achieving what one had expected to achieve. It is when a belief has to be altered, a hope abandoned and a sense of loss accommodated.
Disappointment is different to regret, although people may wish they had made alternative decisions, or believe if they had done so, that life might have been different.
Disappointment can relate to a change of job, promotion and career development, sports, finances, friendships, projects and personal relationships. Situations that disappoint can range from the trivial to significant and the intensity and duration of the feelings will depend on that.
Few lives, if any, are lived without their human share of disappointments. While there are objective disappointments, the subjective appraisal of them also plays a part, influencing whether or not they taint subsequent experiences in life.
Psychological theory says we need to learn to take the knocks in life. It shows that Western disappointment-avoidant cultures are problematic because they do not encourage acceptance and natural resilience when things go wrong, even though these are skills that are needed from childhood throughout life.
Childhood disappointments may be transitory but they have special intensity. The first disappointment a child encounters initiates the child into the experience of disappointment itself. Disappointment in childhood can involve the toppling of parental gods, the revelation that the world is not perfect, nor the people in it, the realisation that promises can be broken, that magic is not available and that all wishes do not come true.
Young people come to understand that there are gradations of emotions in life: of happiness and sadness, loss and gain, acceptance and rejection, triumph and defeat.
Of course, disappointments in middle and later life are often felt more acutely, because there is the sense of having less time to redress them. Major disappointments are distressing when people cannot go back and start again, for example, to parent differently, make wiser financial decisions or take alternative career paths.
As people reflect on their lives, they often realise how much they know now, that they wish they had understood earlier. They can be disappointed about potential that was not achieved, ability not encouraged and risks not taken. It can seem too late to catch up on dreams.
But the past is not such a foreign country that it cannot be revisited, and the future is an even more exciting unexplored terrain.
It would be a mistake to think it is ever too late to redress distress. Negative beliefs close off options. For example, singer Susan Boyle who emerged from obscurity to international musical acclaim, the return in later life to writing by author Molly Keane, the charismatic vivacity of soprano Veronica Dunne, the thrill of sports commentator Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, all confirm that what you do depends more on attitude than age, and that it is better to risk disappointment by daring to do than not doing for fear of failure.
We deal with disappointment by accepting the normal vicissitudes of life, by task analysis and by setting concrete steps towards realistic goals, by planning ahead, by finding role models for what we want to accomplish, by optimism and by abandoning inappropriate frustration, guilt and blame about past decisions.
Clinical psychologist Marie Murray is the director of the Student Counselling Services in UCD. Her radio slot,
Mindtime
on
Drivetime
, is on Wednesdays on RTÉ Radio One