THAT'S MEN:Start planning now to make things easier on everyone, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
THIS IS the time of year when separated parents need to consider how to handle Christmas with their children. Here are some tips that assume the traditional arrangement, namely that the children live with the mother.
Talk to your ex
Organising Christmas when people talk to each other is difficult enough; if they fail to communicate at all, it’s likely to be a mess. If you and your ex are not on speaking terms, perhaps a mutual friend or relative could help. Do not use the children as negotiators or go-betweens: they should not have to carry this responsibility. If possible, keep solicitors out of it: little peace and goodwill can survive their incendiary letters.
Work out the where, when and how Can both parents be in the room when the children open their presents? If not, when and how will you give them their presents? Where will you meet them? If either or both of you has a partner, will/should the partner be there? This needs working out, with mutual respect in the conversation.
It doesn’t all have to happen on Christmas Day. If you can’t be with the children on Christmas Day, perhaps they can be with you on St Stephen’s Day. Perhaps the children might have a Christmas celebration at your place before Christmas Day by agreement with the other parent.
Consider extended family. Grandparents matter to children so try to arrange for them to see both sets of grandparents.
Avoid jealousy
If your child is living with half-siblings from your ex’s new relationship, could you include presents for these other children as well? Children are children, after all, and this could be a smart move to cement relationships.
Respect the live-in parent’s opinions on presents. If you want to give your child an iPhone 4 and the live-in parent thinks it is a bad idea, it’s important to respect the opinion of that parent and not to undermine them. This is not a time for competition.
Preserve traditions
If you recently separated, think about what sort of activities the children are used to at Christmas. How much of this could they still do with co-operation between both parents? Visits to grandparents might form part of this tradition, for instance.
Plan ahead
What is the role of the new partner or partners? What involvement should they have in the planning? What involvement should they have when you are with the children on the day? Now may be a better time to work this out than December 25th.
Consider the children’s needs. Will coming to you completely disrupt their Christmas because of distance? Will they have to miss their Christmas play or some other important (to them) event? If so, consider changing the arrangement to accommodate them.
Keep things in perspective . . .
. . . if it all breaks down. If you simply cannot arrange to see the children, think of sending cards and presents. Take care of yourself on Christmas Day. There will be other days: keep yourself in good shape for them.
I would like to acknowledge that some of the ideas in this article came from the Family Mediation Service of the Family Support Agency and others from the Equal Rights for Separated Dads website, Separateddads.co.uk. It’s an excellent site that I recommend to separated parents.
I am sorry if any of what I have written here is patronising. I have never been in the situation I am writing about and if I have struck the wrong note with those who are living through it, that’s why.
However, I am well aware that Christmas is an emotionally difficult time for many separated parents. The key message is to start thinking about and planning the Christmas arrangements right now – do not wait until Christmas Week.
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is accredited as a counsellor by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind, Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail