The Bigger Picture: We're so used to people expressing comments about what is true in a critical way. It makes life exhausting. Reality isn't critical. Opinion doesn't have to be either.
We can say the things we think and feel and be delighted with both ourselves and others. Knowing we are good and believing in ourselves really help in developing our honesty and expressing it with warmth.
As human beings, we are constantly reflecting and thinking anew. Living is learning and growing. It's a wonderful, thrilling thing to do, and we do it naturally. It's only hindered when we are systematically put down by others. We lose faith in ourselves. Negativity becomes a cycle with our life agenda shifting from our own growth to judgments about the growth of others.
Critical people live in small worlds where no one is very happy. Those in our proximity find it difficult to enjoy themselves and feel vulnerable. We ourselves don't feel free to let down our guard for fear of being criticised (this is, after all, the world we know). Thus, our relationships narrow. We learn and grow less. We live less.
However, many of our comments are unnecessary, especially the critical ones. Life isn't really about making improvements or 'fixing' things all the time, and expressing ourselves doesn't have to be about giving judgmental opinions. Life is about experiencing and relishing things in the moment. Everything changes. Letting those changes develop is important.
We can become focused on other people's struggles and stop enjoying their strengths. It's an unhappy affair. Moreover, a lot of our need to be critical comes from a place where we find it frustrating to watch others struggle. It is difficult for us. We are vulnerable. We need hope and search for it all around us. When our surroundings seem overwhelmed with struggle, we can feel compelled to try to sort it out, if only just so that we can look out and see some hope for ourselves again.
I know it's a cliché, but the fact is that our need to 'fix' and 'correct' others exposes our own difficulties more than anyone else's. It's okay to have struggles. We all do. They all pile up and disrupt our relationships. We each have a job to emerge from our own struggles - particularly those that interfere with our lives on a chronic basis. We must be trusted to do it.
Moving forward in our lives, challenging ourselves and growing improves our lives immensely. We can only do this, however, if we can feel good about ourselves. Criticism was never going to help.
More than anything, people need good attention, support and love. With this, we can reflect on our own difficulties (from our perspective which is phenomenally more accurate than the opinion of others), and develop strategies to move and change things.
Taking hold of our own need to see hope around us - reflecting on the experiences that made us believe it wasn't there and noticing our habit for focusing on things that confirm hopelessness rather than hope - all help to develop perspective.
It allows us to gain insight into our own strengths and weaknesses, work towards healing our own struggles, and make decisions to let them go. Ultimately, it allows us to be relaxed with ourselves, delighted with others, and let each person take their own journey.
It is much more enjoyable to listen to others and learn from what they know and where they are at, rather than see it as an opportunity to advise or 'correct' their viewpoint with your own.
Part of living in the moment is listening to where things are at in the moment, and not worrying about pushing them into the future.
There is a time for future movement, but this is a job each of us has for ourselves. Nothing realises our future better than satisfaction in the present. If our present is one that breeds unhappiness, there is no chance for our future to be different.
Still, I do not wish silence for anyone. It's important to have a voice. It's important to give and take, engage and take turns. We are not building a world of 'unaware users' and 'benevolent givers'.
Strengthening yourself completely so that you don't need others to fulfil your needs, all the while neglecting to give of yourself, isn't liberating either.
We are co-operative, loving beings and need to be in communication - sending, acknowledging and receiving from each other. Sharing ourselves is deeply important. What we have to share won't always be in line with what is already out there. Rather than cause us distress, this too is wonderful!
We are unique, deeply intelligent and with distinctive perspectives. We don't have to find conflict everywhere we find diversity.
The more we believe in and are delighted with ourselves, the more natural it will be to express ourselves without either feeling or causing threat. By being relaxed, we can really enjoy each other.
Shalini Sinha has worked as a life coach and counsellor and presents the intercultural programme, Mono, on RTÉ Television. She has a BA in comparative religion and anthropology and an MA in women's studies.