You've been driving for hours and four little words - "are we there yet?" - threaten to do your head in. Your passengers have turned into cranky, whingey, demanding creatures. And that's just the adults. You've long ago given up hope on the children.
Stressful car journeys can be attributed to three things: boredom, impatience and bank holiday traffic. Today will offer perfect conditions, as the country takes to the roads. And so, since cryogenists haven't figured out yet how to freeze children (not to mention backseat drivers) into suspended animation - and since GPs refuse to prescribe knock-out tablets for children - parents need a little ingenuity.
1. Keep conversation light.
There are some people who think that, once the car is on the road with the windows rolled up, they have a captive audience. Many couples and families say their only chance to talk together is in the car, but a long journey is not the time to discuss heavy issues like financial, sexual or relationship problems, not least because tense parents make tense children.
2. Relax.
We all know the type of driver who is so anxious about "making good time" that s/he doesn't want to stop long enough even to let people go to the toilet. Don't rush and set targets for the journey, especially in heavy traffic. And that goes for passengers too.
3. No back-seat driving.
Anyone who is not sitting in the driver's seat does not see the road the way the driver sees it. The best place for nervous drivers (other than home in front of the telly) is the passenger seat behind the driver because there the perspective is closer to the driver's. The best advice is: shut up.
4. Think health. Turn your car into a minihealth spa. Soothe away travel tensions with aromatherapy and massage. A lavender-imbued cloth or scarf placed in the car will calm everyone down, whatever their age. Sit with your spine erect and your back supported so that you can breathe deeply and fully. Make sure drivers rest at least once every two hours and offer them a neck and shoulder massage (while the car is stationary, please). A travel pack of five aromatherapy remedies which promote relaxation, prevent anxiety, ease headaches and soothe travel sickness are available at £20 from Unicorn Products at the Galway Aromatherapy Centre, Lower Abbeygate St, Galway 091-567955, e-mail Unicorn@Ireland2020. freeserve.co.uk.
5. Eat well.
Good nutrition can help control stress and mood. Stop for regular light meals, avoid overdosing on caffeine and don't snack on sweets and chocolate out of boredom. Instead, bring little packets of healthy alternatives, such as dried fruit and nuts (no peanuts for children under three), fresh fruit, crackers, individual cheese portions and so on. Some parents pre-pack bags with one serving each of snack foods, to prevent spills caused by passing packets of food around the car.
6. Make it musical.
Music is an ideal way to entertain bored passengers, whatever the age. A huge variety of stories and sing-along tapes are available for young children. Parents willing to sing "head, shoulders, knees and toes" over and over again will be rewarded with happy offspring. For older children and teenagers the issue of who plays what music can be contentious. Some families give each child their own personal CD-player with earphones to prevent squabbling. Others play a game: have each child write down their favourite songs on slips of paper and put them in a bag. One by one, the children choose slips of paper and that is what gets played or sung, depending on age.
7. Tell stories.
Children love hearing about parents' and grandparents' own childhoods in story form. Embellish wildly. Realism is optional. Take your time telling the story. Answer questions.
8. Play travel games.
Try counting cows (or sheep, post boxes, blue cars, petrol stations); identifying registration plates by county; 20 questions and Alphabet (spot the letters of the alphabet, in alphabetical order and one by one, from road and advertising signs).
9. Buy their silence.
Bring along a roll of coins for each child to spend at the destination. Every time a child says "are we there yet?", whinges, its a sibling or the like, one coin is taken away. They get the message pretty quick.
10. Reward good behaviour.
Before the journey, buy inexpensive little toys and keep them hidden away. Every 45 minutes to an hour of pleasant behaviour, reward the children with a little present.
11. Stop and stretch.
Do this for 20 minutes at least once every two hours. This is especially important with young children, who should not be forced to stay strapped into carseats for hours at a time (unless they are asleep). Park the car somewhere safe and let the children run, shout and climb, if you don't want them climbing and shouting around the car.
12. Pretend to be tourists.
Get an Irish guidebook and stop at one or two interesting sites along the way. See what they see. You might be surprised. Fake American/German accents optional.
13. Keep them busy . . .
Arts and crafts projects are ideal back-seat entertainment. Bring a tray for each child to set in his/her lap as a table. One mother I know brings materials for her daughter to make cards for the friends they will meet at their destination. Other ideas: making edible jewellery (red liquorice whips strung with cereal loops), modelling clay or Playdough, and threading yarn onto card (inexpensive kits are available).
14. . . . and busier still.
Bring an activity bag for each child, filled with new and never-before-seen age-appropriate activities. Babies like anything shiny and noisy. For older children, try magnetic or stick-on story boards; stickers; puzzle books - Crayola's wipe-clean plastic colouring and puzzle books come with washable markers attached; finger puppets; costume jewellery; pop-up books; inexpensive sets of plastic figures (animals, dinosaurs, etc); miniature worlds: little houses with figures, hand-sized playsets, small 3-D puzzles. Gameboys are distracting, but may annoy other passengers unless the sound effects are switched off.
15. Map the journey.
Children enjoy using linear maps of the journey. Take a little spiral notebook and before you set out, write down names of all the towns you will be passing through. Then as you get to each town, point it out to the children so they can check it off their list.
16. Look at nature.
See how many different wildflowers and birds you can spot. Appletree Press has small handbooks describing the wildflowers and birds of Ireland for £3.99 each. But be careful not to brake for everything you see.
17. Make a contract.
It works for Ally McBeal, so why not for you? Richard Mower of Washington, DC wrote to the Washington Post's travel tips column: "Our son (12), and daughter (16), constantly fight. Could they share the back seat of the car without resorting to physical force for the duration of the trip? They could not promise! " The solution? "We wrote a `Conditions of Behaviour Contract'. The children signed. At the slightest disagreement, I flashed `The Contract'. It worked... it's magic! " How fiendishly adjudicatory! How Washington!
18. Turn on the TV/VCR.
The Blair family of Downing Street have TV/VCR players in their people carrier and - when every other distraction has been exhausted - many a parent wishes they had the same luxury. You can get TVs with built-in VCR that plug into a voltage converter, which plugs into the cigarette lighter.
19. Beating car sickness.
The inner ears detect that the car is moving, but the eyes - focused within the car - do not. The brain gets conflicting signals and nausea results. Usually the child will first complain of queaziness - allowing some time to prevent vomiting. Encourage your child to focus on a distant point outside the car by playing I Spy; bring along books or songs on cassettes or CDs; your child can listen while looking out the window; limit activities such as reading, watching TV (see 18) or playing hand-held video games, where the eyes stay focused within the car. Open a window, offer a child a dry cracker, don't let child get hungry and avoid greasy food. Also, drive smoothly: the less braking and swaying the better. Motion sickness drugs are available, but to be effective they need to be taken before the trip starts.
20. If nothing works . . .
The ultimate solution: stay home.