When you say no, mean no

We must be able to say "no" to our children if they are to learn to copewith adult life, writes Tony Humphreys 'They have not learned how to tolerate frustration'

How many parents put up with a child whining or screaming "I want it, I want it, I want it"? How many give into the child's unreasonable demands for the sake of peace and quiet or so they don't appear to be "a bad parent" in the eyes of others or out of some misguided notion that a child's needs must be always given into.

Sometimes the latter can be an attempt on the part of the mother to compensate when they feel a child is being cheated by not having an "at-home" father due to separation or divorce.

Some parents literally "spoil" children and then wonder why those children have difficulty tolerating frustration and taking responsibility for their own lives as young adults. Parents have a major responsibility to acquaint children with the reality that not all their needs can be met due to limited resources, or fairness, or the fact that some needs have priority.

When a parent has difficulty saying "no", she shows not only a lack of respect for herself but also for the child. Sometimes the parent who pleases can also show lack of respect for order and for the needs of other adults who have to listen to the child acting out until he gets his need met.

Parents would be astonished if they were to count the number of times they give into "just this once" demands. It is a real act of caring when children are guided to see that each person in the family has needs and that co-operation between all members of the family is required to meet each person's needs whenever possible.

The consequences of pleasing at all times can seriously limit a person's ability as a child, and later on as an adult, to form mature relationships with others. Children who are spoiled have been led to expect that their needs are all important and that the needs of others do not count. They have not learned how to be considerate or to tolerate frustration and delayed gratification. The sad outcome is that when children who are spoiled meet situations in life where no one is concerned with pleasing them, they can feel helpless, let down and can experience deep depression.

It is understandable that the short-term harmony resulting from giving into children blinds parents to the long-term consequences. However, mature parenting means preparing children for the inevitable frustrations that will arise in adult life. It is sheer neglect to assume that children will be able to meet frustrations when they are older if they are not prepared in the early years, especially during the "terrible twos", and then throughout childhood and adolescence.

Routine, order, co-operation, fairness and mutual respect require parents to say "no". Many children can respond violently to this; nevertheless, the parent's responsibility is to maintain order and respect for self and others. However, when a child is attempting to gain his own way through aggression or intense sulking, it is not the time for reasoning with the child - emotion is always stronger than reason. What is required is positive and firm action that indicates that the "no" response is going to be maintained. No matter how much the child escalates his attempts to get his own way, no attention is to be given to those behaviours. This lack of response shows the child that when you say no you mean no.

When a child has calmed down it is important to acknowledge his resentment by letting him know that it is frustrating not to have a need met and to explain why this has to happen at times.

When a parent tries to please a child as much as possible, they need to address their own insecurities. Worrying about what other people think, having an over-involved relationship with a child or living your life through a child are just some of the deep emotional issues that may need to be addressed.

Dr Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem the Key to Your Child's Future