Understanding the touch taboo

Good touch, bad touch: Respecting the signals: The embrace, the hug, the silent holding are the most powerful ways of communicating love and security to children. In adult relationships touch is an important indicator of warmth and affection. In medical and psychological practice touch has long been regarded as healing and, indeed, there has been a whole range of "touch" therapies developed to help those who are in pain, under stress or emotionally vulnerable.

It is a sad state of affairs that parents, teachers, relatives, child-minders, nurses and others are now often afraid to hug a child spontaneously or physically to comfort a child who is in distress or who just needs the security and comfort of an adult body.

I know of fathers who are nervous of being physically affectionate towards their daughters due to the rise in estranged partners accusing their husbands of sexually violating their daughters. Many of these claims are not substantiated and can sometimes be a ploy used in situations of bitter child custody battles.

It is also the case that teenage daughters in conflict with their fathers can threaten to or actually accuse them of sexual violations. It would appear that it has become extremely unsafe for men to express their love for their children physically.

Women, too, though less threatened, are nervous of physical contact with children. In school, both male and female teachers are warned not to be alone with a child and to refrain from physical contact.

In any physical expression of love and comfort it is the intention that counts and the readiness to respect the physical, sexual and emotional boundaries of the child or adult. When physical contact is between an adult and a child, the adult has the extra responsibility of not crossing physical and sexual boundaries. There are times when children do not feel safe enough or are not disposed to physical affection and it is essential that adults respect those boundaries.

There are adults who, with the best of intentions, have the idea that children always want to be picked up, hugged or engage in "horse-play", but the reality is that children, like adults, are not always in that receptive physical place. It is then invasive not to stop - children's bodies communicate very quickly when they do not want to be held. The child's body may stiffen, retreat, curl up, battle or protest when physical contact is not welcome.

When children are receptive, it would be a profound privation not to give them the demonstration of physical affection and comfort. As adults, rather than being controlled by media hype about sexual violation and paedophilia, we need to hold onto what is natural and know that our intention is to communicate love and not in any way to violate children's physical and sexual boundaries. Not only does taking on the fear of potential sexual accusations result in a privation for children, but it is a great loss to adults, who can receive and give so much in their physical contact with children.

Parenting and caring for children are self-sacrificing occupations and the enjoyable physical contact that children give would be a severe loss to those who love, rear and educate children.

All possible safeguards are required to ensure children's sexual safety, not only from adults, but from older children as well. But safeguarding must not lead to a touch taboo.

There is no doubt that we still have a long way to go in celebrating sexuality and, regrettably, openness about sexual matters is still taboo in many families, churches and classrooms. For example, the one subject that 80 per cent of adolescents do not talk about to their parents is sex. The more that the sexual taboo disappears, the less likely that the touch taboo that is emerging will continue.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Examining Our Times