Talking 'bout the me generation

For anyone in an unhappy marriage, it used to be a case of put up or shut up. Now breaking up is easier to do. But has the pendulum swung too far the other way, with too many of us walking away from our partners and children before we have given things a real chance?

Two pieces of advice about marriage and children: Number one, don't name your child Chardonnay; number two, make sure that being married with children is what you really want.

There are two kinds of marriages, the problem is that many people haven't decided what kind of marriage they want before they become parents. Many people get married for their own personal fulfilment, for intimacy and sex, because they want to be in love and have a life partner who will be there for them, always. They marry believing that if they become disappointed in the relationship, they can always separate and look for another, which they hope will be better.

When you haven't got children, this isn't a problem. There are only two hearts being broken. It's a fact of life that marriage doesn't always work. Or maybe it works for a while.

When children enter the picture, it's a completely different story. Marriage with children isn't merely about personal fulfilment, intimacy and sex for the married couple. Marriage with children is about creating a secure environment for the children you have brought into the world.

Children need stability, intimacy and understanding. They want to be able to share their feelings, knowing that they are safe. They cannot share their feelings unless they feel safe. It may seem that they are asking for the world - but really, they're not asking for a lot.

Pink's latest single and video, Family Portrait, tells the story of marriage breakdown from the child's point of view. "Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I'll do anything," she sings. "Promise I'll be better. Daddy, please don't leave. In our family portrait we look happy."

She appeals to Daddy to please stop yelling, to make Mommy stop crying, but in the end, Pink knows her efforts could be futile, as she sings "don't have no choice, no say".

If children had a say - and fortunately many now do, thanks to enlightened parents who seek counselling with organisations like Accord and the MRCS - they would be telling their parents to work things out. There is no magic wand in these situations, although children often wish they had one. There are situations were the marriage is a lost cause, with or without children. There are other situations in which parents can at least try to grow beyond resentment, learn to communicate more effectively and discover enough compassion and empathy to keep their marriages going. And that's asking a lot. But aren't children worth it?

It's unfashionable to say that some people should stay married for the sake of their children. We know that in situations of spousal abuse or addiction, keeping the marriage together for the sake of the children can be damaging for the abused party. Children often feel relieved when the marriage ends, especially when the children can enjoy healthy relationships with both parents separately. But there are other marriages, where the partners have simply got bored with one another. Both mother and father are lovely people, neither abuses the other, yet they have grown so far apart that they cannot imagine being lovers again. These are the confusing relationships, where you wonder why the couple just can't work it out. These couples usually have issues around shared responsibility, finances, career competition and child-rearing. These people have a choice to go through intensive counselling and learn to negotiate a loving relationship for the sake of the children, or break up.

Breaking up is not the easy option, but often it's presented as more of a solution that it actually is.

THE predominant value in our culture is self-actualisation and personal gratification. There's no doubt that the 1950s value of staying together for the sake of the children was repressive. But now the pendulum has swung the other way. We have gone to an extreme of personal fulfilment, where people who could stay together in relative contentment, decide not to because they want something more. And that's okay where there are no children involved. The problem is that where children are involved, there are situations where the children's unhappiness far outweighs any potential happiness that the parents may experience as a result of separation.

All Pink is saying to parents is try a little harder before you decide to break up your families. And she has a good point.

We know what the children want. They want their parents learn to love again and, in the process, to show the children what love is about.

As Pink sings: "It ain't easy, growing in the world and not knowing what love can be".